impulse

[uniqueusername39]

been feeling like the only way I'll ever get myself to do this is by impulse.i know I've wanted this for a long time and i have the things I need,but this tension between life and death frustrates me. thoughts about what will happen after haunt me, I don't have the right to hurt the people who care about me but that's exactly what im going to do. i would be denied a burial by the church which would hurt my catholic parents.i know i shouldn't worry about that because I'll be too dead to worry when it comes. it's just...ive fasted for 8 hours now.i could literally just pop the meto and drink the sn and lay down for a nice long sleep,and never wake up again JUST like how ive always wanted. there is no way i would regret something ive wanted for a long time now.ive made irreversible life decisions before so im not a stranger to this. but i probably won't end up doing it tonight, no matter how ready i am to go.overcoming instinct is my only hurdle now.

 

[thewalkingdread]

been feeling like the only way I'll ever get myself to do this is by impulse.

I think about this a lot. People are always saying that suicide should be a rational, reflected decision, with lots of time to think about it, not an "impulsive" act. And, at face value, that's a right — sound — assertion, to a very large extent.

The thing that bothers me is that, even when you've reflected about it for so long and finally concluded that the best thing to do is to CTB, taking action will always feel like an "impulsive" act. Because this is an intrinsic part of changing the course of our lives... To make any big, "revolutionary", decision, we always need to "break the inertia".

Think about it like this: you've worked for years on a job that you didn't really like and always thought about getting another job. When you finally get another job, it feels like maybe you might be doing an "impulsive" thing... Afterall, even If you don't really like your current job, you are used to it. It feels hard to take that first step towards change, without being somewhat "impulsive".

Without a first impulse, we end up doing the same thing over and over again...