imposter syndrome

[Cauliflour]

I'm not normal enough to be worthy of being an active member on this forum.
Normal people are supposed to be hating life and wanting to reach the afterlife as painlessly as possible because of an issue they very much know about.
Normal people aren't supposed to find the thought of dying enjoying.
Normal people are supposed to be making plans and asking questions and having a vision.
Normal people are supposed to be having issues that enough therapy could (maybe) fix.
Normal people aren't supposed to be attention seekers.
Normal people are supposed to have mental health issues.
Normal people are supposed to hate living.
What am I?
Some kind of freak?
Someone the mods have to eyeroll whenever a post gets brought up?
Someone who if died, could seriously fuck up the public image of this site if the media ever got their grubby little hands on my computer?
I am not mentally ill.
I am healthy.
I am fine.
I will be fine.
It'll go away.
It's just a long phase.
The thoughts will shut up eventually.
I'll look back on this time period and cringe so bad I'll want to go back in time and shoot myself.
It's gonna happen.
Any time now...
Should keep my mouth shut to minimize damage.
I have to keep this up.
I don't want to hate myself anymore than I do.
If I change my mind then I'll want to peel of my skin.
If I change my mind then I would've wasted my teenagehood over nothing.
I'm not special.
I should not talk like I'm special.
Nobody is special.
I am just a freak.
I should willingly get myself in an abusive relationship.
I am an idiot.
Why won't the feelings go away?
I don't like this, it's too complicated.
I can't deal with this.
I won't deal with this.
I crave it and when I get it I want it gone.
It's funny how stupid this all is.
I am not valid.
I don't deserve to be valid.
I am a stain on what these people stand for.
I'm not sick enough in the head for the alternative.
I want to be but I don't want to.
I'm too attractive.
I'm too healthy.
I'm trying too hard.
I shouldn't.
I'll be all depressed and shit but I'll deserve it.
You can't ignore your feelings forever.
god i'm so edgy lol

 

[wonderingwhen...]

u get it

too fucked up for normal people but not fucked up enough to warrant all this pain. i'm probably doing it for attention or something and if that's the case i need to die sooner