Story Imposter syndrome

[Nangijala]

Imposter syndrome is usually discussed only as a part of our professional lives, e.g. not feeling like you are as good at your job as others think you are. But since I was a young child I feel imposter syndrome at a more social level. I've always considered myself an imposter in the sense that I feel "less than human", while others still somehow perceive me to be human. I constantly feel the threat of others discovering I am actually worthless, where I expect to be abandoned by all those I care about once they find out. At the same time I feel terrible about deceiving my family into thinking I am worth as much as other human beings, but I also feel that were I to expose myself, I would hurt my family even further.

I know now that I am older that at least on a rational level I should not see my existence as without value, as I have feelings like everyone else does. But still this feeling is one I carry with me even now as a young adult. Even the most trivial things already trigger this feeling in me. I feel like I am lying to people simply by attending university, sitting in a train, or helping someone with their suitcase. Here it feels like through these simple actions I am claiming that I am human and deserve to be considered as such, while in truth I feel like people should be looking at me with hatred or disgust. I often feel like that would actually be preferable to me, as when people no longer consider me a human being I will feel like the truth is out and I am no longer lying. I wonder if there are people out here who can relate to some degree.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I can relate to a certain extent. I often don't practice what I preach, and it largely comes down to my belief that all human beings are valuable and worthy in a certain way, but that doesn't apply to me because I perceive myself as something fundamentally different, as if I was only pretending to be a human being and in fact wasn't and the rules that apply to everyone else therefore wouldn't apply to me. I can also relate to being uncomfortable when others are nice to me and like me, especially when a new person is nice to me without really getting to know me, because of the constant fear of them somehow discovering that I am not really a likeable person and being disappointed. And I can feel relieved when someone stops being nice to me. I think this social imposter syndrome is largely why social anxiety doesn't go away by exposure unlike other phobias where you can "try and see that everything went okay" because even when it's "okay" you still think "maybe they just didn't notice yet and are going to hate me later".

The truth is, there is nothing that you could do or say that would make me look at you and say "Oh my god, this person was lying to me, they are not really a human being". And I'm pretty sure it's not just me. Our brains are just being really weird sometimes.

 

[Nangijala]

I can relate to a certain extent. I often don't practice what I preach, and it largely comes down to my belief that all human beings are valuable and worthy in a certain way, but that doesn't apply to me because I perceive myself as something fundamentally different, as if I was only pretending to be a human being and in fact wasn't and the rules that apply to everyone else therefore wouldn't apply to me. I can also relate to being uncomfortable when others are nice to me and like me, especially when a new person is nice to me without really getting to know me, because of the constant fear of them somehow discovering that I am not really a likeable person and being disappointed. And I can feel relieved when someone stops being nice to me. I think this social imposter syndrome is largely why social anxiety doesn't go away by exposure unlike other phobias where you can "try and see that everything went okay" because even when it's "okay" you still think "maybe they just didn't notice yet and are going to hate me later".

The truth is, there is nothing that you could do or say that would make me look at you and say "Oh my god, this person was lying to me, they are not really a human being". And I'm pretty sure it's not just me. Our brains are just being really weird sometimes.

I am glad I made this post, I often feel really alone with this but several of the observations you make here I have made in the past as well. I also have in general a positive attitude towards humans, I don't wish for anyone to suffer and if I had faith I could somehow contribute to the happiness of others I would give it my all to do so. But exactly like you said I feel like all the reasons I see value in humans simply don't apply to me as I feel like I am some different kind of being.

I also agree with your last point, it's not very realistic someone will actually start thinking of you as "not human", but I feel like my brain just starts to think of ways in which I could be considered not human. For example when I feel depressed I feel numb, and then with this lack of emotion I feel like because I don't "feel" I am missing an important part of what it is to be human, and therefore deserve to be rejected. This is of course not really true and I absolutely don't want to imply depressed people are in some sense less valuable, but I feel like I am always looking for reasons why I should be treated differently from others.

 

[Scriptchick55]

I feel the exact same way. My imposter syndrome stems mostly from work but I resonate with social imposter syndrome a lot as well. I developed a learning disability from led poisoning as a small child. It has impacted my life tremendously. It takes me forever to learn new things and I can be very slow at completing task. I was told by a teacher when I was 5 I was unteachable basically. I do come across patient people at work from time to time but most of the time people are cruel. No one ever really likes to say things more than once or really "teach" they just expect you to know. Of course for some stupid reason the universe gave me the desire to want to pursue a career in the film industry. Definitely one of the worst careers to have any sort of disability. I have terrible anxiety on set I cried everyday even if I didn't screw up because I always knew I would just mess up eventually. I always feel another person deserves better than me no matter who they are. I feel someone else deserves the good job, the opportunity to make more money than me and to have a spouse who isn't toxic. It's like I feel well if theirs any good jobs, money and good men left for me I'll take what's left. Kind of hard to explain. I fear any kind of work. I just don't have the "grind" and "hustle" that my peers have. People think I'm lazy but it's so far from the truth. I feel if I was lazy I wouldn't be hurting this much. I simply would just not care. Right now I'm just dog sitting haven't been able to go back to set for two years and I want to but just so scared. I'm working with a therapist now to achieve that. The first two couldn't really help me maybe third times a charm lol idk I'm 27 now and if I don't get over this fear or syndrome in the next 5 or 6 years I have to ctb . I'm not about to be chewed and spit out for the rest of my life. Your seen as worthless on this planet when you don't have "drive" "passion" or "hustle" whatever people wanna call it today. It's just not something I can continue to live with much longer. I was all over the place but never posted here before glad I was able to get out a fraction of what I feel on a day to day basis.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I SO wish I could make this better for you. I definitely suffer from a lack of confidence and it's SO damaging. I imagine living like this must be debilitating.

It's none of my business and I don't mean to pry into your private life but do you think there has been an event/ person who has made you feel this way? I find it hard to fathom you would be born thinking like this. I know I sound like some lame therapist (which I'm not). I guess I just feel angry FOR you. I know (to some extent) what it's like to feel constantly embarrassed and even apologetic about your own existence and I can't help but wonder if you have been bullied into this state at one point?

Anyway. What I really want to say- even though you logically already know this and it likely won't help a bit- You have as much right to be here as everyone else. If you truly were some monster, I doubt you would have the conscience to realise it and- if you have been accepted into university- it is because they saw your potential.

I expect your family love you. Maybe it's a totally lame exercise but try and bear in mind- when things get really bad- that most people don't see you like you do. It was one of those self help books I read this but they said- try and picture the person who loves you standing in front of you and try and see yourself through their eyes. I REALLY hope you can win over this horrible affliction. All the best.

 

[Nangijala]

I SO wish I could make this better for you. I definitely suffer from a lack of confidence and it's SO damaging. I imagine living like this must be debilitating.

It's none of my business and I don't mean to pry into your private life but do you think there has been an event/ person who has made you feel this way? I find it hard to fathom you would be born thinking like this. I know I sound like some lame therapist (which I'm not). I guess I just feel angry FOR you. I know (to some extent) what it's like to feel constantly embarrassed and even apologetic about your own existence and I can't help but wonder if you have been bullied into this state at one point?

Thank you for your kind words. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, so I don't remember anything significant happening before then that could've caused it. I honestly think that it's partly a consequence of simply having extremely low self-esteem. If you feel like you know you are a horrible being, yet everyone treats you decently it kinda makes sense that eventually you draw the conclusion that you are in some way deceiving people into believing you deserve to be loved like they do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for your kind words. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, so I don't remember anything significant happening before then that could've caused it. I honestly think that it's partly a consequence of simply having extremely low self-esteem. If you feel like you know you are a horrible being, yet everyone treats you decently it kinda makes sense that eventually you draw the conclusion that you are in some way deceiving people into believing you deserve to be loved like they do.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a nightmare. Have you ever spoken to a therapist or anything? I did see a therapist a couple of times at uni. Honestly, it was kind of scary and invasive but looking back- they did actually come up with some useful insights. Might be worth considering at some point (if you haven't already).

It's clear that you're smart enough to realise what kind of impact this will continue to have on you and despite what you may think- you deserve a better life. I hope you can find it.

 

[Pluto]

I have this in a major way and it makes most social situations awkward and uncomfortable. It is said that the experience of awkwardness is literally painful for others, hence it is one of the worst qualities that one can possess. Considering I wish I could be a source of upliftment or happiness for others, it is doubly miserable. It is possible to work at improving the situation in various ways, though.

I've worked professionally with children and I can promise you that nobody has low self-esteem by accident. In my case, my Nfather not only liked to deliberately neglect and belittle me, but encouraged the rest of the family to do so until mistreatment became all that I knew. I attracted bullies in school like a magnet and was unable to finish school at all. That led onto years of unemployment, phobia of people, etc.

Because I know where it all started, my feelings are partly the intrinsic unworthiness that you speak of, and partly a well-earned rage at Nfather for getting away with engineering the perfect crime against another being.

 

[actual_fox]

Well, Op I can relate. Maybe I don't feel It that severe but I do feel less of a human or not human. Probably because of my Asperger's and me being a bit autistic. I have to mask a lot. Even around family.
I feel this even more when around sociable people.

I can't help but wonder if you have been bullied into this state at one point?

Idk about op but I was magnet for bullies. I had them for first 8-9 years of education. I developed cptsd because of this. I cannot trust anybody.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Well, Op I can relate. Maybe I don't feel It that severe but I do feel less of a human or not human. Probably because of my Asperger's and me being a bit autistic. I have to mask a lot. Even around family.
I feel this even more when around sociable people.

Idk about op but I was magnet for bullies. I had them for first 8-9 years of education. I developed cptsd because of this. I cannot trust anybody.

I'm sorry for your childhood experience and I relate. I know this isn't the 'recovery' section but have you ever watched 'Crappy Childhood Fairy' on YouTube? She deals with a lot of CPTSD issues. Might be worth a look. Hugs to you.

 

[actual_fox]

I'm sorry for your childhood experience and I relate. I know this isn't the 'recovery' section but have you ever watched 'Crappy Childhood Fairy' on YouTube? She deals with a lot of CPTSD issues. Might be worth a look. Hugs to you.

I gave It a try, but for me this is just overwhelming. I already have disabilities and things I cannot change only menage- my slight autism, weirdness, weird worldviews, anxieties and cptsd. Depression and such. I feel I would be better giving up.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I gave It a try, but for me this is just overwhelming. I already have disabilities and things I cannot change only menage- my slight autism, weirdness, weird worldviews, anxieties and cptsd. Depression and such. I feel I would be better giving up.

Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry life has treated you so poorly.

 

[Nangijala]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a nightmare. Have you ever spoken to a therapist or anything? I did see a therapist a couple of times at uni. Honestly, it was kind of scary and invasive but looking back- they did actually come up with some useful insights. Might be worth considering at some point (if you haven't already).

It's clear that you're smart enough to realise what kind of impact this will continue to have on you and despite what you may think- you deserve a better life. I hope you can find it.

I have gone to a therapist for a while but it didn't help much. At this point I just want to secure a reliable CTB method so that I know I have a way out.

 

[Hoppybunny123]

I don't understand why not being a human would be an issue? There are so many other species on this planet alone. I'm guessing you're only lying to them to protect yourself, in which case either they turn out to like you either way and there is no real danger, or the lying is warranted and understandable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have gone to a therapist for a while but it didn't help much. At this point I just want to secure a reliable CTB method so that I know I have a way out.

Yes, I know what you mean. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.