Impatience

[StarsAbove]

I cant help but feel impatient when it comes to re-implementing things in my life that could help. I am going to the gym, doing yoga, forest preserve walks, meditating, reading, all on a near daily basis. But I am just going through the motions and they feel hollow and I feel empty. These things used to work for me. What more should I be doing? I am frustrated that I am not seeing results. I know it can take time, but the need for instant gratification is so strong.

 

[broken serenity]

I think I spent like 10ish years trying to recover. Lately I've been pursuing whatever the hell I want with the thought that I'll ctb next year. Been finding a lot of the things i did for my recovery were not really things i wanted to do. Maybe try other things? When u have free time, instead of filling that with Yoga and meditation, maybe switch things up?

When i was just recovering for recovery's sake, i got annoyed and said 'fuck it' regularly and threw everything away, but that's not it either. Could be what u need is some variety not completely throwing all good habits out the window, just trying new things that are still aimed in whatever direction ur moving ur life rn?

 

[StarsAbove]

Thank you, I feel like this is good advice. I do actually like most of those activities, but maybe I need more variety. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "recovery for recovery sake" youve been trying to get batrer for 10 years?

 

[NZkiwi]

I cant help but feel impatient when it comes to re-implementing things in my life that could help. I am going to the gym, doing yoga, forest preserve walks, meditating, reading, all on a near daily basis. But I am just going through the motions and they feel hollow and I feel empty. These things used to work for me. What more should I be doing? I am frustrated that I am not seeing results. I know it can take time, but the need for instant gratification is so strong.

I think you make a good point, the mind/brain "feels"/responds stronger to "instant gratification"

ie sex
drugs

And from experience (and science) we know we perciev/feel negative stimuli much more strongly than good vibes

I wonder if part of the mechanism behind self harm is the direct strong rush that occurs that satisfies that craving

But for long term good feel, it's not as strong and that itch can't be scratched


As I write this I have an itch on my left shoulder right now


Where was I going with this

I don't know

I opened up to one of my close friends friends about more that was going on and she mentioned that me writing suicide notes/buying things was a form of self harm, similar to how she used to (much better now) restricts diet, and talks about her food noise

She also told me about the ED forums she went on, which had similar vibes to I guess how sanctioned suicide is talked about amoungst suicidal people


I'm just thinking about this outloud, I guess her food noise she hears is similar to the suicidal thoughts that I have

 

[StarsAbove]

I wonder if part of the mechanism behind self harm is the direct strong rush that occurs that satisfies that craving
Its no different than drugs. havent done it in 15 years but I still think about the high. But much like drugs, it becomes a crutch and you become intolerant to even the slightest discomfort and you keep needing more extreme SH to cope, it really traps you.

As I write this I have an itch on my left shoulder right now
its not a good coping mechanism but one many of us have used to prevent suicide. Wish you could be free of your pain

I'm just thinking about this outloud, I guess her food noise she hears is similar to the suicidal thoughts that I have
Its nice to know someone can relate but Sorry your friend is also struggling. EDs are insidious and a way to self destruct for some. Ive been a part of those forums in my past and it is ugly. A competition to be the sickest of them all. Hope she finds her way out of it.