I'm writing notes today and jesus christ

[its-about-time]

I just am so emotional. It fucking hurts. I feel so sorry for how much I've hurt those I love in my life, for being the way I am, for being so fucked up. There are only two people I want to leave a letter to and I just am overwhelmed with gratitude for how much they loved me and helped me, and a major sadness for how unable I am to receive or feel that love. If I could feel love I wouldn't be killing myself.

One letter down. That was really fucking tough. Going to push through the other one today. I want a hug but I have nobody here to hug me.

 

[Manaaja]

At least you can see what you have done/said wrong or would like to do otherwise. That's already good. You aren't a bad person if you can admit your mistakes. And sometimes people make mistakes because they have no other way. It's like choosing between two bad things. Sometimes a person does or says something mean because they don't have a choice or possibility to say or do something good. Victims of circumstances often have little authority over how they behave, how they feel, what they think. It's good to want to be better, but don't be hard on yourself. You most likely did your best.

I know it's not much, but I'm sending you internet hugs!

 

[its-about-time]

At least you can see what you have done/said wrong or would like to do otherwise. That's already good. You aren't a bad person if you can admit your mistakes. And sometimes people make mistakes because they have no other way. It's like choosing between two bad things. Sometimes a person does or says something mean because they don't have a choice or possibility to say or do something good. Victims of circumstances often have little authority over how they behave, how they feel, what they think. It's good to want to be better, but don't be hard on yourself. You most likely did your best.

I know it's not much, but I'm sending you internet hugs!

Thank you for the hugs. I haven't been mean in my life, I've just been overwhelming. I hurt those I love because I hurt myself. I've put them through so much pain and worry. My greatest hope is that they can relax and not have to worry anymore. They'll have to grieve, but that's better than what I've forced them to endure up to this point. There's nothing I can do better to change the pain I cause.

I appreciate the hugs

 

[Manaaja]

Thank you for the hugs. I haven't been mean in my life, I've just been overwhelming. I hurt those I love because I hurt myself. I've put them through so much pain and worry. My greatest hope is that they can relax and not have to worry anymore. They'll have to grieve, but that's better than what I've forced them to endure up to this point. There's nothing I can do better to change the pain I cause.

I appreciate the hugs

You're welcome! One thing I'd advice doing, is giving yourself a hug. That helps me sometimes. Even though it's just me hugging myself, it still makes me feel better.

Sorry, I misunderstood. I understand now what you mean. I have felt the same thing. I don't want people to be unhappy because I'm unhappy, even though I appreciate how they care so much about me. It's very kind of you to care about others's feelings. I wish more people were as kind and caring.

Life can be really cruel and hard. It would be nice to have better and easier solutions, but I don't know what they would be, though I wish I did.

 

[its-about-time]

You're welcome! One thing I'd advice doing, is giving yourself a hug. That helps me sometimes. Even though it's just me hugging myself, it still makes me feel better.

Sorry, I misunderstood. I understand now what you mean. I have felt the same thing. I don't want people to be unhappy because I'm unhappy, even though I appreciate how they care so much about me. It's very kind of you to care about others's feelings. I wish more people were as kind and caring.

Life can be really cruel and hard. It would be nice to have better and easier solutions, but I don't know what they would be, though I wish I did.

Thank you <3 I'll give myself a hug. I'm taking a little break from the doom and gloom to lay down and watch tv or something. I wish there was another answer, too. It's just been so long of trying so hard, and it always ends up in the same situation where I feel like a massive burden. And I am one. There's really no good way out but to stop the cycle permanently.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry man. I'm sure it's tough to be at this point, putting your life on paper, trying to explain yourself.

btw, your avatar picture always cracks me up, every time I see it

 

[Gsvko]

Good luck, I hope you can feel okay
I just hope they will understand one day

 

[Thequietone]

It is an emotional thing. When I wrote my 6 letters, I had a beer next to me.

They are well packed in my backpack with my vodka and pills.

Just need to built up the courage, so I can do it in October because I wanna go in autumn, looks beautiful outside.

 

[its-about-time]

Sorry man. I'm sure it's tough to be at this point, putting your life on paper, trying to explain yourself.

btw, your avatar picture always cracks me up, every time I see it

Thanks. My avatar is a pic of a sticker I saw on the back of a stop sign somewhere. It cracks me up too, seemed perfect for this website lol.

Good luck, I hope you can feel okay
I just hope they will understand one day

I hope they find understanding some day too. I think with time maybe. It hurts to know I'm causing them pain one last time but at least it's the last time.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Best of luck writing the second letter, and good job getting through the first. Last night I thought about writing some letters again, but then I don't even know what's left for me to say. But I imagine such heartfelt letters (given how hard it is for you to write them) will really mean a lot to the people you're writing them to. I'd echo to not be too hard on yourself and I'm glad you allow yourself breaks from it.

It really is hard thinking (or knowing) we're a burden on others, not to mention the burden we are on ourselves. It really takes a toll. Wishing you the best whatever you decide to do.

 

[its-about-time]

Best of luck writing the second letter, and good job getting through the first. Last night I thought about writing some letters again, but then I don't even know what's left for me to say. But I imagine such heartfelt letters (given how hard it is for you to write them) will really mean a lot to the people you're writing them to. I'd echo to not be too hard on yourself and I'm glad you allow yourself breaks from it.

It really is hard thinking (or knowing) we're a burden on others, not to mention the burden we are on ourselves. It really takes a toll. Wishing you the best whatever you decide to do.

Thank you very much Being a burden on others really doubles the misery. I've recently ended relationships with people I leaned on quite heavily emotionally. It's helped me feel less bad about dragging others down daily, and has given me space to confirm I want to ctb. My letters are heartfelt thank you's for how relentlessly they were there for me. I appreciate the well wishes

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I also would choose to write notes, to try and give those left behind some closure and will mean that they are not left with unanswered questions. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[DeepSlumber]

Boy, that's an admirable thing you're doing. I think of it as a bit of essential housekeeping. To absolve others, to condemn still others, to explain. Good for you. Very tough and will probably entail another tough phase: revising (which I HATE). But just to make sure it's as complete as you want it.

 

[its-about-time]

Boy, that's an admirable thing you're doing. I think of it as a bit of essential housekeeping. To absolve others, to condemn still others, to explain. Good for you. Very tough and will probably entail another tough phase: revising (which I HATE). But just to make sure it's as complete as you want it.

Thank you. I'm certainly focused on "absolving." I know certain people will feel responsible and I want to be clear that they are not. It might help them with grieving. I'm sure many revisions to come and I'm not excited about that process!

 

[DeepSlumber]

Thank you. I'm certainly focused on "absolving." I know certain people will feel responsible and I want to be clear that they are not. It might help them with grieving. I'm sure many revisions to come and I'm not excited about that process!

I think very highly of your stepping up in compassion for others who might feel responsible. It is your intention, no doubt, to minimize the ripple effect and not have the fallout on their families, kids due to perhaps a person feeling guilty at your passing, then his/her child not understanding and feeling it's something about them. What you're doing is something highly ethical and thoughtful.
I looked at heading and thought Jesus Christ was dictating the notes. So glad that isn't the case. After more than 2,000 years, and Jesus is spotted at Office Depot buying an inkjet printer and an Ipad?

 

[its-about-time]

I looked at heading and thought Jesus Christ was dictating the notes. So glad that isn't the case. After more than 2,000 years, and Jesus is spotted at Office Depot buying an inkjet printer and an Ipad?

Lol, no I just meant it as an expression. More like Jesus spotted at the local gas supply store buying a tank of pure nitrogen and a click flow regulator…

All of the children who will be affected are 9-11 years old and one teenager. I think for the younger it's an age where they will be able to understand a simplified version of what has happened, should their parents choose to disclose. Certainly old enough to understand death, even if suicide isn't mentioned.