Help I'm trying but it's so fucking hard

[Axolotl]

I'm sorry if this is disjointed or poorly written but I can hardly think coherently, let alone organize my thoughts.
I was literally in hell for 3.5 months. Hell. I'm sure many of you have been there. It felt like my existence was condemned to hell, from the moment I woke up, to the moment that I fell asleep. Everything, everything that could go wrong, went wrong in the most catastrophic and disastrous possible way. It felt like I was being tortured. Everything was pain. All of my life has been suffering, but for the most part hope kept me going. Looking forward to high school, looking forward to senior year, looking forward to college. Basically, up until March my life was suffering, but it was tolerable and I was generally able to maintain my hope and productivity and I never thought about you know what. This stupid fucking pandemic has robbed me of everything. I mean, the first thing is that my final two years of college are gone forever and that's never fucking coming back. It sounds trivial but this shit is so fucking terrible you wouldn't believe. The whole point of college is learning, socializing, being young and alive, and then going on to a job or opportunity afterwards. Every single one of those things was ANNIHILATED and I'm now a senior and there's no chance in hell the situation changes in the slightest at my college in the time I have left here and I have no plans for after college, nowhere to go, nothing to do. I was doing really well before, I had so many things lined up and planned that were crushed in March. The economy has basically never been worse and there are no opportunities and even if you get a job it's sitting there staring at a fucking computer screen. THE COMPUTER IS NOT REAL. IT'S NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR REALITY. IT'S NOT REAL! Why don't they understand that? HUMAN BEINGS HAVE NEVER, AT ANY OTHER TIME BEEN FORCED TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I'm like a rat in a cage, and my cage is metal and covered with razors. My living situation is terrible. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate on my "studies." I don't get along with my roommates. I am totally alone, totally alone. I walk every day to get breakfast, lunch, and dinner, alone. I have no friends nor family. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. My family's house is fucking torture, and this is just as bad. I try to get an appointment with counseling - it takes OVER A MONTH for the first appointment. My body is dying. Honestly what I've come to know from my years of suffering is a) everything is tolerable if you aren't alone and you have love and people who genuinely care about you in your life b) there's no way to acquire a), if you don't have it, there's nothing that you can fucking do. You're condemned.

I try so hard to keep going. I've seen beauty and love and happiness before, I've seen it, if only briefly. This wasn't how my life was supposed to go. I was really happy when I was a child. I feel so terrible I want to recover I really do but my life is still hell, it's still fucking hell. AND IT NEVER ENDS.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

You are not alone in this mess called life. I cannot imagine being young, having so many hopes and dreams dashed, at least for a while, all control over your life taken away. It makes me glad I am old.

I have no answer for you, I wish I did. I am so sorry. Hang on as tight as you can.

 

[MrBlue]

I was, and still kind of am in the same situation you're in. I still don't have any connections with people outside my immediate family, and besides graduating I haven't achieved anything in my life really. I definitely agree with your b) point, its almost impossible to get something that you haven't already achieved/have, especially when it comes to socially in adulthood. Being ignored or denied proper help is also something I'm familiar with, and I imagine most people on here have experienced it sometime or another.

I don't have any answers but if you want to talk then I'm more than happy to. We might be alone, but we're not alone in being lonely (if that makes any sense!).

 

[Axolotl]

Thank you to everyone who responded and reacted.

I feel like the start of the pandemic was like musical chairs. If, in that moment in time, you were in a good place in your life, living with people that you liked, in adequate living conditions, then you were just fine. I got caught - if it had just happened five or ten years in the future, I would be OK. But now I'm stuck and the situation is not going to change and my professional and academic life has basically been permanently destroyed and to make it 100 times worse I am completely alone. I fucking hate computers, I hate the internet, I hate having to post on here and other places, but I have nothing and no one else. I'm stuck

 

[LittleJem]

I'm so sorry. I hate what they have done to young people with this lockdown and what they are doing to the economy. I don't think it's worth it at all.

 

[PlathWannaBe]

Hi Axolotl,

I like your name. It sounds somehow very native American to me, or am I just making that up?

I certainly understand your frustration and anger at this situation that is unfortunately completely out of all of our control. I am not exactly in your same situation, but right before the pandemic struck, I was actually really wanting to change jobs.

I work with children, and I've been working with them now for 8 years, and to be completely honest with you, I don't like this job, especially since I don't like kids. It's a long story as to how I ended up in the job, but anyway, I felt like this year, after having completed therapy, that I was finally ready to change jobs. And then Corona hit, and has ensured that I have to stay where I am for now, frustrating me and making me feel a bit trapped as well.

I have anxiety, and so doing presentations in front of people or having to "perform" in front of others in some way is very difficult, and very often causes me panic attacks. At my job, I fortunately don't have to do that, which is one of the main reasons I ended up there. On the other hand, I also don't have to sit in front of a computer all day either, which seems kind of nice, but sometimes doing work that is completely non computer related can also just be super annoying (like working with young kids all day).

One of the things I learned in therapy though was to try to look at a given situation from different angles, and to question it in a way, and ask yourself, what about this could potentially be beneficial to me, or what could I learn?

I know that may sound cheesy, and I guess it is, but I'm trying to apply that in this case, since there's not a lot else I can change at the moment. I have no control over the actual situation itself. The only two things I can control are changing the situation itself (leaving the job in this case, which feels too risky), or changing how I see the situation (trying to figure out what can I learn or do during this time to benefit myself).


You may not be able to get this time back, but graduate school can also be exciting. What other potential opportunities are out there for you? They could be big or small, but are all equally important.

I certainly hope things turn around soon.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

My greatest sympathies. You are so right to say that the computer is not a life we are designed for. Our brain has neurotransmitters designed to recognize and react to real world stimuli.

I wish you the best.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Thank you everyone for risking and posting the above threads:
- i have had such an awful last month that i'm actually shutting down / disintegrating - your threads have made me feel more 'normal': in our abnormality. everyone is 'coping' and adjusting and getting back into life. really?!

my life is a napalm hellhole: i lost one business during lockdown (the landlord locked everyone out and an entire feral cat colony got decimated) i got into trouble for breaking & entering to feed them then it got legal and i hear now they've mostly died. Those animals gave me hope & fighting inspiration. ugh.
i lost my business partner (ocd. fears of covid so moved to rural smallholding) and loads. of money.
what's left of my family are across the world in Portugal /Italy i' alone here (my drugs are here).

now i'm back in advertising freelance and i'm playing at it: all show and pretend - pretend inspiration / pretend doing-so-well / pretend i'm ok: when my heart is like a crumpled up piece of paper.
yeah it's unfair and i seem like a selfish belligerent brat when others have lost so much... will be like Hiawatha (my personal superhero) i will face the bear and get through it. maybe
thanks for letting me know i'm not alone in this insanity i would hug you (only after i set off the grenade!)
(i smile behind my mask)