I'm tired. I gave myself a false hope that everything will be better. But that truth was it is difficult to get out on the cycle of isolation and a disconnection with myself, my family, and my peers. Over the time, I always destroy all of the personal relationships that I've build. I was a self-interest and self sabotaging prick. I could never maintain a permanent friends or be likable in general. I matter how easy for me to relationship I could never maintain them. They consistently end after a year and the common denominator is me. I am the only toxic person in the life. I lied, I over promise when I'm happy or when I'm emotional. I don't know how fo handle personal conflicts. I'm a joke because I enrolled a college program that focus on mental health yet my life is falling apart. I'm a fool, I'm an idiot for selfishly thinking that would fix me. I'm s fool because I lasted on this program without any improvement. I'm s hypocrite and I don't feel comfortable yet I have no choice because I didn't think enough and only act impulsively. I lost so much because I only focused on what I was missing. I am a fake friend because I fake my interest on enjoying bl genres,battle games and even animes or whatever is popular to my ex-friends. I fake because I was desperate to have a circle who cares. But I got tired of pretending and everything fell apart. I am a bad person because I take advantage their kindness, I gave them false hope that everything will be piece back when I know I mentally check out. I ghosted many of them because I can't handle conflicts and definitely a coward. I am stupid because I couldn't remember what I learned from the past. My teacher from senior high was correct I don't remember what I learn from the past. I am prideful and arrogant because deep inside I think I am better than everyone. Despite proving time and time again that they are better than me. I am scared to be an adult and I felt like I'm stuck being a mentally retarded petulant child. I become toxic and overly dependent over around me. I'm disgusted of myself inside and outside because I am unorganized, unfunny, lack of self-compassion and self-love. When the glimmer dies death is only on my mind.
-
Hey Guest,
We wanted to share a quick update with the community.
Our public expense ledger is now live, allowing anyone to see how donations are used to support the ongoing operation of the site.
👉 View the ledger hereOver the past year, increased regulatory pressure in multiple regions like UK OFCOM and Australia's eSafety has led to higher operational costs, including infrastructure, security, and the need to work with more specialized service providers to keep the site online and stable.
If you value the community and would like to help support its continued operation, donations are greatly appreciated. If you wish to donate via Bank Transfer or other options, please open a ticket.
Donate via cryptocurrency:
Bitcoin (BTC):Ethereum (ETH):Monero (XMR):You might want to investigate to see if something like bipolar 2 is at work. If one can be charming enough to make friends and then swing the opposite way and lose them, it might indicate this sort of dynamic.
Some have found some degree of control with supplements like the Omega 3 in fish oil or with Lithium Orotate.
Research and experimentation might help you discover options.Actually I never had supplements before. Your intuition is onto something however, I can't even go to mental health practitioners like psychologist to verify this because I wouldn't be able to afford their consultation fee or session I think it's around one thousand per session.Sadly medical practice is often done conveyor-like and people looking for mental health help are often charged $150 and given a prescription for an SSRI.
Those of us on the fringe often have to seek out the experiences of others that might be useful for ourselves. The Lithium Orotate I heard about from a Youtube video of a guy named Pete from the UK who has bipolar 2 himself. The fish oil I heard about from a doctor who had bipolar and was intervened by Steven Fry in his video.
Another source of information can be found in medical studies published by the NIH. For example you can look up using search terms such as "bipolar", orotate", and "NIH". This can give you access to studies that can support or refute a particular line of inquiry.
Supplements generally do little. However, if you find one that actually helps, it can be a great relief.
The key is that we are pretty much on our own to experiment.
DirtCommie
Student
- Aug 22, 2025
- 108
well at least you have enough insight to say negative things youve noticed about yourself which is much more than a lot of other people
otoyikim
Member
- Jun 8, 2025
- 52
I'm in the same boat as you in some ways. Personally, when i try to fit in with others i always half ass it and when i try to be by myself it always leads me to suffer. Besides that, when i try to be in communites that are too difrennt from what my regular intrests/hobbies are(In which case i don't have many hobbies of my own so i don't have communites i can join.) I always end up finding something that ticks me off and my aspie brain self sabotages itself. Thus, I can never branch out into other communies nor can i be self sufficent with what i have. As in the latter case, i always end up trying to impose my crudely made(and i mean REALLY crudely made) opinions on others which alienates others from me. Thus i suffer. Maybe if i kept my mouth shut and listened to others more often i wouldn't have ended up here.
I fucking hate being alive.
(At least, in this form. If i was in a better state of mind, i think i would like being alive.)
Ngl, in my class they say counselling is for everyone or therapy is same and so and so forth. But my biggest realization in this profession is this type of thing is an expensive validation of what you are going through. Yeah, you're right, we are left to experiment on our own.
I get you a lot! It's hard to pretend just to be likable. Like we know that we can't be friends with everyone, but the urge to have the sense of belonging makes us even more selfishly cling to someone once they show warmth to us until they are sick of us. I did that a lot in the past now half of my class hated me. True personality really do come out once you get to know the same people for a while and in my case, these people are in my class where half of them are no longer talking to me and I sense the awkwardness. I am really a shitty person and I'm ripping what I saw. I also wanted to escape and end it at December as I always have this moral anxiety affecting me so much it hurts my heart. Introspection is really hard.... Cuz what now? So what? It's like recognizing these patterns and having this self fulfilling prophecy mentality. I thought I escaped this cycle of turns out its not. (Tad bit of rant ends here).Last edited:
Cloud Busting
Formerly pinkribbonscars
- Sep 9, 2023
- 583
If op said this to a mental health professional (and they should know better than anyone as they're studying the field) they'd be told they're having cognitive distortions and need to reframe their core beliefs to be self-compassionate. lol
Humbleness and humility are very underrated values in western culture
@Anomaly_death48
I'm a dark soul. I cannot offer hope. I can only offer copes in an abysmal hellscape that feels like a mistake; a morbid dream. Honestly, isn't that all anyone can offer, even health professionals?
1) it troubles me that a lot of advice for depressed people are things that depressed people find difficult to do, which leads to more guilt for the depressed person. This isn't something that people really account for. When my anhedonia was at its peak in 2023, the well meaning advice of finding gratitude made me feel worse because I couldn't be grateful for anything when I didn't enjoy anything. This guilt was enough to lead me to attempting to hang myself that year. I felt I deserved to die if I couldn't be grateful for living.
Self-compassion is a good goal to strive for. You're not a bad person if you can't reach such a state. Just meet yourself where you're at. This is how you feel now, it's not how you'll necessarily feel forever. It sounds cheesy, but self compassion is like bodybuilding. You have to work to build gains.
If I could tell myself anything two years ago, it's that my anhedonia renders me incapable of feeling gratitude, and that doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I'm suffering. It means I deserve grace. I don't know if that will be useful for you, as I'm not you.
2) honestly most people who work in mental health or social services have a personal stake in the field. You're human, you're not a bad person for hoping studying the field would help you. A lot of people try that. Could you switch majors possibly?
3) well you're in the right place. I'd say most people here are lonely; it's a common thread. While reading your op I felt attachment was your mistake, and then later on you stated you have an issue with clinging! It seems your insight and self awareness is larger than you give yourself credit for.
It's a painful realization that nothing is forever; all experiences are impermanent. You're more enlightened than average for realizing this. What you say about feeling a lot of pressure to fit in reminds me of Jung's persona. It's the idea that humans adopt a mask they wear to the point of losing themselves. It may resonate with you.
Sorry this was so long. I could tell you're suffering a great deal and took great care to try and not be tone deaf or offer generic platitudes
