Venting I'm too scared to do it.

[Nervous young man]

I really want to kill myself, in the wake of my failed attempt which only failed because my friends started pestering me and I broke down ( it had nothing to do with the method although I would say nitrite poisoning requires a lack of SI ) and now I've become a complete alcoholic. I can't go a day without drinking or taking xanax or cocaine or anything. I know I'm going nowhere right now I'm just making myself feel a little bit better for a while through destructive means but I just can't seem to bring myself to ending my life. I would also say my dysphoria and trans issues have also gotten worse to the point of being utterly debilitating. I have no hope for a future or a better life and I have no courage or strength to ctb. I haven't been posting as much due to my alcoholism which oftentimes leaves me completely incoherent but if I was it would be more of this same song and dance. I know I'm worthless, I know every second I am alive, every breath I take is a waste of oxygen. It's a waste of space. I just take away from the people of the world who are actually valuable and could do something with their lives. I feel a great need to punish myself for allowing myself to live in any way possible which usually manifests in self harm which has also gotten quite worse. My scars went from scratches on the top layers of the skin to fat purple keloid scarring. I look more hideous than I did beforehand now. I have no friends, nobody loves me, nobody wants me, and yet I persist. My body betrays me, it refuses to let me go. I am completely and utterly dejected and I feel miserable. Any tips on how to overcome this state of compliance and finally ctb? I know if I set a date it'll come and go and I'll just be drunk through it all.