Venting I'm Tired

[WinterFaust]

Sometimes private journaling is not enough and as loathe as I am to admit it I need to be seen right now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the grief from losing people a year ago that I just can't shake. It's embarrassing to not only be left behind physically but also mentally and emotionally. To them, I'm forgotten but for me the wound is ever present. I'm 26. Where are my emotional regulation skills? Why can't I move beyond my shame, guilt, and regret? I'm tired of the ruminating thoughts that remind me of the mistakes I've made, how truly pathetic I am for not being able to pick myself up.

I'm tired of being alone. The loneliness hurts so much and it's embarrassing. I used to enjoy solitude. But it's different when you can't away from it, when it's not a choice. Why can't I be self-sufficient? Why can't I just do what I need to do, get out bed, figure out how to work again? Why can't I figure out how to be okay by myself?

But it's just me. I live in a home where I'm despised by my mother because I'm not functional. I can't ctb here, I can't die here. For the ounce of pride I have left, I can't die in a place where my very existence has been hated since I was a child. But I'm so tired and even the few moments I'm not, I just can't do what I need to do to get out of here. How did I even fuck up bad enough to end up back here? I hate being here. I hate her and her disdain. I hate hearing her talk on the phone or slam a door. I have never felt comfortable here. And that makes me hole up in my room even more. I already struggle with completing tasks necessary for my basic well being but when I know my mom is home, I'll stay in my room to avoid her for hours. I won't eat until she's gone, sometimes I won't even use the restroom. It's weird and strange, I know. But stranger still is that I haven't left this house in months (long before covid), that I've been unable to use my complete and utter discomfort as fuel to get me the hell out of here. I want to leave, I've been trying to take the steps to get there but I just... Can't. My mother calls it laziness among other things.

I've spent my entire life feeling utterly exhausted or stuck, defective and unable to move. Even during the very rare moments where I'm not depressed, I've struggled with this. Something is really wrong here. And I'm so tired of being like this. I don't know how to help myself. I don't know why I can't just recover, why I keep breaking down, why I feel so scattered.

I'm alone. And I need to care for myself and figure out a way out of this. But it just hurts and I'm tired. Am I really going to die here without managing to get myself to safety, for a breather? Will I die being the failure that I've been all my life?

I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm tired of being this broken and pathetic. It's been so lonely.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

people just like to call others failures because they don't want to help them or acknowledge that they're a part of the reason why so-called "failures" are "pathetic".

it's not strange to avoid somebody like that, especially someone who hates you despite being a blood relative. i can understand going through great lengths to avoid somebody.

i think that the reason you can't recover is because you're stuck in a place living with a person that has no intention of supporting you, or at the very least, making amends. being stuck with that negativity all day prohibits any kind of progress you may make (speaking from my experience, but everyone is different).

i'm awfully sorry you're stuck in this situation. i hope you find your own peace one day.

 

[WinterFaust]

@VIBRITANNIA Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. It's true that this isn't the best space to be in. I was actually advised not to come back here several times by different mental health professionals but I had nowhere to go.

It was very strange having to rely on the person I spent a long time trying to get away from after everyone dropped me (understandably I suppose. I was having a severe manic episode and didn't know I was bipolar at the time). And she tried to help at first but it had to be her way and she was still very domineering. I feel so ashamed about relying on her in the first place but I was emotionally raw and had no one else.

Later when telling me she was going to kick me out, she reminded me that I'd have nowhere to go because no one would want anything to do with me after my manic episode. I feel disgusted with myself for relying on someone who has hurt me in the past and still shows very little regard towards my feelings. Who would stay in a situation like that? My ex had a somewhat similar upbringing and would never move back and certainly wouldn't have stayed for an entire year. My goal was to leave and never come back after she threatened to harm me, yet here I am. If that's not failure, I don't know what is.

You're absolutely right that recovery is that much harder here. She doesn't speak to me these days but the other shoe will drop. I hope I figure out how to get it together soon.

Sorry to go on like this. I used to be better about dealing with things on my own. I don't know what happened. But thank you again for being so kind.


Off topic but, I love your pfp and username so much. But I'll gush about it in the manga thread at some point lol.