I'm also tired, and know how you feel.
Considering the depression and suffering you are going through, have you ever stopped to consider that in some other setting, you are seen as courageous and heroic for going through what you are going through?
I am of the firm belief that not only did we choose our lives, it was intricately planned out beforehand. Some people choose extraordinarily difficult lives, and these are usually more advanced beings who do this. Just squeezing your consciousness in to the confines of a physical body is a pretty big feat, but choosing a difficult life is looked at as like an extreme athlete.
You may not be aware of it, but intensity amplifies change and learning. And people who suffer, like myself and everyone else here, are actually seen as advanced beings.
Think of your consciousness as an artist. At heart, you are unknowingly co-creating reality along with all of the other consciousnesses here. You are exploring the creative nature of consciousness. You very well may have been a doctor, a student, a teacher, a ruler, a victim, a poor person, an actor, etc etc etc. There are no limits to the creativeness of consciousness.
Think of wearing a very thick pair of gloves your entire life. So long that you believe that when those gloves wear out, you will no longer have hands. But the truth is once those gloves come off, you instantly recognize that the gloves were nothing more than a piece of wardrobe, YOU are the hand in the glove, YOU are not the glove. You have simply forgotten this on purpose, so the experience isn't cheapened.
I know this all might sound crazy. However if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change. I cannot emphasize how important that statement is. This physical existence and body you are suffering with is temporary, it's a character you are playing. And you are in fact courageous to be able to take that on.
Dwelling on the misery will only make things worse. Easier said than done, I know. Try to imagine things differently. Imagine yourself without any problems. What does that look like? You won't begin to feel even 1% better unless you make the effort to.
I wish you all the best, and by no means am I making light of your problems. I'm simply trying to offer you a different perspective. One that completely changed my own mental attitude after losing my wife, losing my fingers, losing my business, my home, everything, and being put in a wheelchair all within a year.
