imcurious
Member
- May 6, 2022
- 96
I've had this feeling that I don't belong anywhere for most of my life. My earliest memories began in middle school when I would aimlessly wander around on the playground looking for a friend to talk to, and then resorting to hiding in the bathrooms because I was embarassed about how visibly lonely I looked. My childhood best friend of 7 years at the time had found a new set of friends and didn't think to include me within them.
I also grew up in a neighborhood with several kids my age as well. There was a "ring leader" of some sort who would ring the other kids' doorbells to ask if they wanted to play outside with them. My doorbell was rarely rung. It was common to look out the window and watch them play together because I did not get invited.
As someone who comes from an ethnic background, weekly family friend get-togethers and dinners were a necessary part of my childhood. I hated attending all of them because 10 year old me had to sit next to my mother while any of the kids who attended did not think to include me in their play or activities. I would often cry and wonder why I could not only fit in with kids at school, but with kids of my own background and age.
High school was not much better. By this time, I had moved to the US and ultimately believed I was not cut out for friendship. My lunch period was regularly spent at the library. I did not talk much in class, did not attend any homecomings, games, or my prom.
I recall many more memories like these. I am 20 now and it feels almost silly and nuanced to talk about them,
especially because so much time has passed since then and that most of the people I grew up with are no longer a part of my life anyway. Though, even as a child, I held onto this feeling that I don't belong anywhere I go, even today.
Well I grew up some more and lived on my
college campus thinking it would be the start of something new. I am nearing my third year and have felt like it's been a waste. I barely made many genuine friends and still did not get to experience the foolery most college kids my age get to do. Although I suppose most of it is my fault. I did spend most of my time studying or rotting in bed.
I fight for my place within my own home. It doesn't really help that my little brother is the golden child. He is smarter, prettier, and much more conversational and likeable than I am. My parents, cousins, aunts, and uncles, have always been more invested in conversing with him
than they were with me. I tend to think it's because my brother and I have a 7 year age gap. My parents had an authorative parenting approach with me, and often used physical violence as a way to discipline me for my less than average grades, forgetting to do chores, or whatever minor wrong doing I had. My coping mechanisms were to bury myself in my room. I felt safe to be within my own shell. But, ever since my brother was born, my parents softened, and was raised a lot more empathetically. There is quite a bit of resentment behind my own home, too.
I think this is one of the biggest reasons I have to CTB. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. I get the short end of the stick no matter where I go. I can't make friends. I can't feel happy around family. I feel left out and like I have nothing to offer. Life has become more and more meaningless.
There's nothing inherently wrong with being a long wolf, but when you're the lone wolf for all your life, it gets tiring. I am human and simply want to live just like how kids my age get to.
I apologize if all of this is convoluted. I will be grateful to anyone who has read this to the end.
I also grew up in a neighborhood with several kids my age as well. There was a "ring leader" of some sort who would ring the other kids' doorbells to ask if they wanted to play outside with them. My doorbell was rarely rung. It was common to look out the window and watch them play together because I did not get invited.
As someone who comes from an ethnic background, weekly family friend get-togethers and dinners were a necessary part of my childhood. I hated attending all of them because 10 year old me had to sit next to my mother while any of the kids who attended did not think to include me in their play or activities. I would often cry and wonder why I could not only fit in with kids at school, but with kids of my own background and age.
High school was not much better. By this time, I had moved to the US and ultimately believed I was not cut out for friendship. My lunch period was regularly spent at the library. I did not talk much in class, did not attend any homecomings, games, or my prom.
I recall many more memories like these. I am 20 now and it feels almost silly and nuanced to talk about them,
especially because so much time has passed since then and that most of the people I grew up with are no longer a part of my life anyway. Though, even as a child, I held onto this feeling that I don't belong anywhere I go, even today.
Well I grew up some more and lived on my
college campus thinking it would be the start of something new. I am nearing my third year and have felt like it's been a waste. I barely made many genuine friends and still did not get to experience the foolery most college kids my age get to do. Although I suppose most of it is my fault. I did spend most of my time studying or rotting in bed.
I fight for my place within my own home. It doesn't really help that my little brother is the golden child. He is smarter, prettier, and much more conversational and likeable than I am. My parents, cousins, aunts, and uncles, have always been more invested in conversing with him
than they were with me. I tend to think it's because my brother and I have a 7 year age gap. My parents had an authorative parenting approach with me, and often used physical violence as a way to discipline me for my less than average grades, forgetting to do chores, or whatever minor wrong doing I had. My coping mechanisms were to bury myself in my room. I felt safe to be within my own shell. But, ever since my brother was born, my parents softened, and was raised a lot more empathetically. There is quite a bit of resentment behind my own home, too.
I think this is one of the biggest reasons I have to CTB. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. I get the short end of the stick no matter where I go. I can't make friends. I can't feel happy around family. I feel left out and like I have nothing to offer. Life has become more and more meaningless.
There's nothing inherently wrong with being a long wolf, but when you're the lone wolf for all your life, it gets tiring. I am human and simply want to live just like how kids my age get to.
I apologize if all of this is convoluted. I will be grateful to anyone who has read this to the end.
