i really, really don't want to kill myself. but i feel like i need to

[butterbutter143]

i have both parents in the picture, who love me even if we have a complicated relationship with each other. i have a lot of friends and quite a few of them are close to me. i would take a bullet for them.
i have a stable living situation, and i'm not poor. to be honest, i'm actually really happy right now.

i guess the reason why i want to commit suicide is because of school, and what the future holds for me. i picked a lot of difficult subjects, in hopes that i would be able to persevere and come out on top in terms of grades anyway (i had always been a gifted kid). turns out i'm failing majority of my classes, and now i don't know what i'm going to do. in this society and especially in this economy, you need to have top grades in order to get into good universities, and therefore to get a good job. at least, that's the most stable pathway of getting a high income because anything else is a hit or miss.

i'm also just hopeless about the future in general, because the world just seems to be getting worse and worse by the minute. wars are starting, the economy and cost of living definitely don't seem to be improving, and i can't hold down a job. i keep on seeing these people online who live in shitty one-bedroom apartments living paycheck to paycheck, and no offense, but i don't want to become one of them.

furthermore, i'm neurodivergent and whenever something substantially bad happens to me, i end up in a deep depressive slump. and whenever i feel like this, i run away from my problems wishing i had killed myself earlier. my last slump was the worst one by far, and i don't want to feel like that ever again.

i'm so hesitant to kill myself because the amount of grief my death will cause is insurmountable. i don't even want to think about my parents seeing my hanging body when they're just checking on me in the morning, it makes me want to cry.

is this stupid? should i still ctb? i'm planning on doing it before i have to go back to school, since i'm on break now.

 

[decayingangel]

I think if you're not sure you shouldn't do it.
Did you try talking to your parents about it? Maybe change courses to something that suits you more. It seems like you put too much on yourself (been there still am there lol)
The life of shitty one bedroom apartment makes me want to die too but you can have a good life even without top grades in everything.
It looks like a burn out did you consider going to therapy and asking your parents for help? I'm sure they'd rather have you change something about your school or take a break until you're able to get back on track again rather than have their kid die.
Sorry if it's a bit messy I haven't slept much today

 

[bender]

You should not do it. School is not everything, you were born to exist, explore, experiment, learn and grow. Do what you want in life. I myself am studying pure mathematics and philosophy, is there money in that... not much, but they are the subjects I love. That being said some days (maybe after school I will who knows) I dream of just being a vagabond, what many would consider the lowest form of person here on Earth in terms of aspirations but it is an honest life of beauty and learning. It's not subscribing to the capitalist machine who's only aim is to advance the aspirations and living standards of the top of our society. (side note I study Econ and recognize free markets can be efficient and do actually think capitalism is a good system, it is simply corrupt at the moment so don't jump on me calling me a commie or shit, but you should be allowed to be one if you want).

You are looking at CTB well before you have lived anything beyond your studies it seems to me. Remember there are a plethora of life paths beyond that of "becoming a doctor/lawyer/engineer" if you get what I mean? There is nothing wrong with being in the trades, construction, factories, sales or living life job to job. Or even, for gods sake, bumming around the world learning different cultures. Now, these aren't always easy/possible options or one's you may want but they can still remind you of your goals, how far you've come towards them and where you want to go.

Before you consider CTB anymore, you need to pick up a book (or if reading isn't your thing, but I recommend trying) on philosophy. Don't pick something too dense, it will be lost on you. Start small with something catered to beginners like A Little History of Philosophy. It may change your whole view on CTB, and life itself.

If you still feel like CTB, or like me, after diving into the subject of philosophy come out the other end even more suicidal then I mean, I believe you are free to make your choice and if CTB is right for you only you can know that. But I urge you to look at the bigger picture of life first and talk to people about it, especially your friends.

I wish you luck in school, I know first hand how hard, comparative and stressful academics is. DM me if you ever want to talk, even if it's just about school or you need help in school.

 

[Aflame5926]

i have both parents in the picture, who love me even if we have a complicated relationship with each other. i have a lot of friends and quite a few of them are close to me. i would take a bullet for them.
i have a stable living situation, and i'm not poor. to be honest, i'm actually really happy right now.

i guess the reason why i want to commit suicide is because of school, and what the future holds for me. i picked a lot of difficult subjects, in hopes that i would be able to persevere and come out on top in terms of grades anyway (i had always been a gifted kid). turns out i'm failing majority of my classes, and now i don't know what i'm going to do. in this society and especially in this economy, you need to have top grades in order to get into good universities, and therefore to get a good job. at least, that's the most stable pathway of getting a high income because anything else is a hit or miss.

i'm also just hopeless about the future in general, because the world just seems to be getting worse and worse by the minute. wars are starting, the economy and cost of living definitely don't seem to be improving, and i can't hold down a job. i keep on seeing these people online who live in shitty one-bedroom apartments living paycheck to paycheck, and no offense, but i don't want to become one of them.

furthermore, i'm neurodivergent and whenever something substantially bad happens to me, i end up in a deep depressive slump. and whenever i feel like this, i run away from my problems wishing i had killed myself earlier. my last slump was the worst one by far, and i don't want to feel like that ever again.

i'm so hesitant to kill myself because the amount of grief my death will cause is insurmountable. i don't even want to think about my parents seeing my hanging body when they're just checking on me in the morning, it makes me want to cry.

is this stupid? should i still ctb? i'm planning on doing it before i have to go back to school, since i'm on break now.

ya right yet you are so wrong. here where i am handyman that work on their own earns almost as much as lawyer (is workweek is a bit longer tho)

why? because there isnt a lot of people here that are good with their hands.

so its its not 100% over