Azarlea123
Member
- Dec 17, 2023
- 7
A lot of unreasonable venting, but I'm glad I have a place to share myself.
It's embarrassing to say it hear. I have a good family, really good. I have many friends, whom I know for many years. I have a future, I have a great life. A life which I can't comprehend. Have you watched the movie "At Eternity's Gate" about Vincent van Gogh? Where he feels happy, running across the fields, painting, enjoying nature, talking to his brother. And where most of the time he's sad. Looking nowhere, feeling nothing, unable to understand the cruelness of people around him. Why? What does it even mean to be mentally ill? I want to hug him so much, I understand him like I'm looking into a mirror. To never understand what you should do. To find the thing you enjoy so late. To love only two things, yet to be terrible at both of them - loving people and painting.
I won't ctb, not in near future, but I don't doubt one day I will get lost. though I'm already lost in darkness. I don't understand why I'm here. Why I don't go out every day, talk to people I don't know, to people that in reality I don't give a shit at all? Why I don't go on parties, drink my liver off, spend a night with someone who will forget me the next day? Instead I sit and look inside the void trying to find something, nobody knows what. Maybe I'll leave this place. Maybe I'll leave my friends, my family. I'm a mathematician, but I dream of being an artist. I was drawing for most of my life, after a stop of several years I forgot how to draw completely. Everything became pale. I have a great piano next to my bed, I haven't touched it for years. I dream to be a writer, but I'm struggling to write even a note. I dream to be a good person, yet most of the people laugh at me. They criticize me, and thinking I'm living my worst life. And the problem is in me, not the world. It can't be perfect, but I want it to be. There will never be answers to the questions of life, love, meaning. We will destroy our fragile nature faster than we will discover the mysteries of human brain, emotions, thoughts. Mathematicians, philosophers, artists, it doesn't matter who are you, you will never be satisfied until you accept the world as it is. You either change or you lose.
People I love will die, my friends will go, the memory about me will vanish. Still I have plenty of time to walk in the hell I've created, with the hope that something will change. There were people smarter than me, I wonder why they kept living. And am I as strong as them? What could be worse for a painter to be untalented? What could be worse for a musician to become deaf?
I apologize to everyone I should've said the truth. That sincerely I love them, that I want to be with them. But I was a coward. I apologize to everyone I didn't help when they truly needed it, because it wouldn't take anything from me. I apologize to myself, to be the way I'm, when it would be much better if I was somebody else.
"Oh fellow men, when at some point you read this, consider then that you have done me an injustice; someone
who has had misfortune may console himself to find a similar case to his, who despite
all the limitations of Nature nevertheless did everything within his powers to become
accepted among worthy artists and men" - Beethoven's Heiligenstadt Testament (1802)
It's embarrassing to say it hear. I have a good family, really good. I have many friends, whom I know for many years. I have a future, I have a great life. A life which I can't comprehend. Have you watched the movie "At Eternity's Gate" about Vincent van Gogh? Where he feels happy, running across the fields, painting, enjoying nature, talking to his brother. And where most of the time he's sad. Looking nowhere, feeling nothing, unable to understand the cruelness of people around him. Why? What does it even mean to be mentally ill? I want to hug him so much, I understand him like I'm looking into a mirror. To never understand what you should do. To find the thing you enjoy so late. To love only two things, yet to be terrible at both of them - loving people and painting.
I won't ctb, not in near future, but I don't doubt one day I will get lost. though I'm already lost in darkness. I don't understand why I'm here. Why I don't go out every day, talk to people I don't know, to people that in reality I don't give a shit at all? Why I don't go on parties, drink my liver off, spend a night with someone who will forget me the next day? Instead I sit and look inside the void trying to find something, nobody knows what. Maybe I'll leave this place. Maybe I'll leave my friends, my family. I'm a mathematician, but I dream of being an artist. I was drawing for most of my life, after a stop of several years I forgot how to draw completely. Everything became pale. I have a great piano next to my bed, I haven't touched it for years. I dream to be a writer, but I'm struggling to write even a note. I dream to be a good person, yet most of the people laugh at me. They criticize me, and thinking I'm living my worst life. And the problem is in me, not the world. It can't be perfect, but I want it to be. There will never be answers to the questions of life, love, meaning. We will destroy our fragile nature faster than we will discover the mysteries of human brain, emotions, thoughts. Mathematicians, philosophers, artists, it doesn't matter who are you, you will never be satisfied until you accept the world as it is. You either change or you lose.
People I love will die, my friends will go, the memory about me will vanish. Still I have plenty of time to walk in the hell I've created, with the hope that something will change. There were people smarter than me, I wonder why they kept living. And am I as strong as them? What could be worse for a painter to be untalented? What could be worse for a musician to become deaf?
I apologize to everyone I should've said the truth. That sincerely I love them, that I want to be with them. But I was a coward. I apologize to everyone I didn't help when they truly needed it, because it wouldn't take anything from me. I apologize to myself, to be the way I'm, when it would be much better if I was somebody else.
"Oh fellow men, when at some point you read this, consider then that you have done me an injustice; someone
who has had misfortune may console himself to find a similar case to his, who despite
all the limitations of Nature nevertheless did everything within his powers to become
accepted among worthy artists and men" - Beethoven's Heiligenstadt Testament (1802)
