I'm the most shitty son

[dandan]

I've have said my family that I want to kill myself since very early 20's
i've made them suffer for 18 years... im 36yo....
im now I really plan to ctb... making them suffer a lot , like a lot.. poor of my mom, what a shame to have a suicidal son... it will impact her in every way...
I feel like the most disgusting son ever..... I'm so disgusted at myself....
giuuugh... .... giulg with me... I disgust myself... giuuuuu...
I could live, but what a shitty life would I have?
I'm against the shitty life im going to have if I continue living

 

[SadGirl]

I've have said my family that I want to kill myself since very early 20's
i've made them suffer for 18 years... im 36yo....
im now I really plan to ctb... making them suffer a lot , like a lot.. poor of my mom, what a shame to have a suicidal son... it will impact her in every way...
I feel like the most disgusting son ever..... I'm so disgusted at myself....
giuuugh... .... giulg with me... I disgust myself... giuuuuu...
I could live, but what a shitty life would I have?
I'm against the shitty life im going to have if I continue living

Are you even considering ctb?

 

[DeepMind]

I've have said my family that I want to kill myself since very early 20's
i've made them suffer for 18 years... im 36yo....
im now I really plan to ctb... making them suffer a lot , like a lot.. poor of my mom, what a shame to have a suicidal son... it will impact her in every way...
I feel like the most disgusting son ever..... I'm so disgusted at myself....
giuuugh... .... giulg with me... I disgust myself... giuuuuu...
I could live, but what a shitty life would I have?
I'm against the shitty life im going to have if I continue living

Can I ask what country you are from? Maybe you can wait until your parents passed away.

 

[Donewith_]

I've have said my family that I want to kill myself since very early 20's
i've made them suffer for 18 years... im 36yo....
im now I really plan to ctb... making them suffer a lot , like a lot.. poor of my mom, what a shame to have a suicidal son... it will impact her in every way...
I feel like the most disgusting son ever..... I'm so disgusted at myself....
giuuugh... .... giulg with me... I disgust myself... giuuuuu...
I could live, but what a shitty life would I have?
I'm against the shitty life im going to have if I continue living

I'm sorry your are feeling so hurt..hugs

 

[FauxEmotions]

I relate, I feel like such a horrible son for wanting to ctb, except no one knows of my feelings/thoughts on wanting to ctb except the people here. even then, they don't fully know who I am. I know my mom would be devasted and she's the sweetest, purest person I've ever met. She's, not the brightest being that she was born and raised in the ghetto of New Orleans but her heart is every sense of the word pure. I can't imagine causing her so much pain, but that bus has my name in the window.

 

[dandan]

I totally feel you...
I'm from Mexico....
If I waited for my mom to passed away, I'd had to endure as much pain as her with a son who ctb...
yup, sure im considering ctb... because I find no good alternative....

 

[throwaway777]

im a shitty daughter and person but not bc i want to die

 

[dandan]

im a shitty daughter and person but not bc i want to die

then why?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I hear you. I often think "I am the worst son ever" for the pain I will put on my parents but they don´t know I am suicidal.

 

[throwaway777]

then why?

bc im filled with hate and suffering i hurt people and i disappear when i do it like a coward ... keep living is a shame .. dying is doing a favour to everyone tbh

 

[silentsinger]

bc im filled with hate and suffering i hurt people and i disappear when i do it like a coward ... keep living is a shame .. dying is doing a favour to everyone tbh

I understand the wanting to leave part, I really do. I just don't want you to feel like you would be doing people a favour. There would be so many of us who would miss you, you are a sweet and lovely person with a good heart. I wish there were more people like that in this world.

 

[throwaway777]

I understand the wanting to leave part, I really do. I just don't want you to feel like you would be doing people a favour. There would be so many of us who would miss you, you are a sweet and lovely person with a good heart. I wish there were more people like that in this world.

i cry

 

[silentsinger]

i cry

It's ok to cry ((hugs))

 

[throwaway777]

It's ok to cry ((hugs))

thank u for being my friend !

 

[silentsinger]

thank u for being my friend !

You don't have to thank me, honestly. That's what friends are for and i'm Really grateful to be your friend too.

 

[AmbleNorth]

Feeling guilt for wanting to die, even if it affects the closest people around you, is something I'll never understand.

 

[dandan]

Feeling guilt for wanting to die, even if it affects the closest people around you, is something I'll never understand.

yeah, probably you are years away from the thought of actually catching the bus... maybe you a loving family and to need to be closer to ctb to understand

 

[Gina]

bc im filled with hate and suffering i hurt people and i disappear when i do it like a coward ... keep living is a shame .. dying is doing a favour to everyone tbh

I do the exact same,thing gave hints for years that I'm depressed but no one listened. They said that I have a lot of things, and no responsibility, but I've lying to everyone to hide what my life is actually like.

 

[silentsinger]

I've have said my family that I want to kill myself since very early 20's
i've made them suffer for 18 years... im 36yo....
im now I really plan to ctb... making them suffer a lot , like a lot.. poor of my mom, what a shame to have a suicidal son... it will impact her in every way...
I feel like the most disgusting son ever..... I'm so disgusted at myself....
giuuugh... .... giulg with me... I disgust myself... giuuuuu...
I could live, but what a shitty life would I have?
I'm against the shitty life im going to have if I continue living

You don't sound disgusting, far from it. You clearly love your Mom very much and you don't want to hurt her.

 

[dandan]

You don't sound disgusting, far from it. You clearly love your Mom very much and you don't want to hurt her.

disgusting if I do ctb, sure that would make me disgusting and ungrateful,,, but thats because im ungrateful... and I do hold some ungratefulness in me... cant help it... im a little ungrateful... because I have not enjoyed life since early 17, 18 years old.... and yeah we can say it was My responsability... but I really tried...
did I really tried? yeah I really did...

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I feel this way too. My parents have been good to me. Give, give, give. I've given nothing back, I feel like I'm not able to. Like I'm an incomplete person who always needs help without ever being able to reciprocate. Their only fault is being a little clueless at times, but it's hard to really put any blame on them for that.

 

[dandan]

I feel this way too. My parents have been good to me. Give, give, give. I've given nothing back, I feel like I'm not able to. Like I'm an incomplete person who always needs help without ever being able to reciprocate. Their only fault is being a little clueless at times, but it's hard to really put any blame on them for that.

I talk shit about my dad, but no my mom, she's done her best, she's an angel... im so sorry I'm her son.... poor of her.
she didn't deserved me or my mistakes.... poor mom.... I could hang on, for her... I could endure hell on earth for her, but sometimes its too much...
I mean she's my only reason not to ctb... and they say I shouldn't do it for her.... that I should live for myself.... but its so hard... I have ruined many things... .now I need to do twice the effort to get 1/10 of the result.... or even less..

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I'm a horrible daughter - and confirmed by my mom.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's horrible... The guilt is overwhelming. My "mental issues" really fucked her up i suppose. I can't live with myself knowing that.

 

[AmbleNorth]

yeah, probably you are years away from the thought of actually catching the bus... maybe you a loving family and to need to be closer to ctb to understand

No, I'm just not under any allusions that my suffering is worth less than the judgements, expectations, and desires of others. Ending an agonizing life due to irreconcilable life issues is something I expect those close to me to understand, and with that understanding there is no guilt. Also, I have done nothing to put myself in the position I am nor can I take responsibility for it (nor has and can anyone else), it just is, and as such there is no guilt.

 

[dandan]

No, I'm just not under any allusions that my suffering is worth less than the judgements, expectations, and desires of others. Ending an agonizing life due to irreconcilable life issues is something I expect those close to me to understand, and with that understanding there is no guilt. Also, I have done nothing to put myself in the position I am nor can I take responsibility for it (nor has and can anyone else), it just is, and as such there is no guilt.

from the guiltless point of view, yeah it seems guiltless,
and that's envyous
I wanted to ctb and even tried it before loosing my money...
but now I want to ctb even more... and now I do feel guilty... damm...

but I understand the part of not feeling guilty since you are facing irrencilable life issues that you didnt ask for.... may we know what your life issues are... ?
mine are the fact I cant build relationships , girls or women, I dont seem to know how to "talk" properly to hold convesations, to make friends...
and then I lost my money which is a huge desilusion

 

[AmbleNorth]

from the guiltless point of view, yeah it seems guiltless,
and that's envyous
I wanted to ctb and even tried it before loosing my money...
but now I want to ctb even more... and now I do feel guilty... damm...

but I understand the part of not feeling guilty since you are facing irrencilable life issues that you didnt ask for.... may we know what your life issues are... ?
mine are the fact I cant build relationships , girls or women, I dont seem to know how to "talk" properly to hold convesations, to make friends...
and then I lost my money which is a huge desilusion

I don't feel comfortable writing it down in specificity. Suffice to say, too many mistakes that could not be avoided,, too many indelible aspects to my character that led me down paths with doors that don't open, and an environment of abuse that I could never work my way around. The future is permanently and irrevocably altered and I do not see a place in it for me.

 

[dandan]

I don't feel comfortable writing it down in specificity. Suffice to say, too many mistakes that could not be avoided,, too many indelible aspects to my character that led me down paths with doors that don't open, and an environment of abuse that I could never work my way around. The future is permanently and irrevocably altered and I do not see a place in it for me.

my future is to so much constrained to my past choices... very little mistakes caused huge consequences....

I also dont see a satisfiable future for myself, im just thinking in hanging on for my mom's sake... only for her... but then again doing it for her might not be worth it... well yes she's worth it, my mom, but if im going to live, I better do it the best I can... but then again,
I wish I had what it takes to finish it off today...
but noooo....
fuck fuck fuck
why did I made such mistakes?
why did my mother, brother and father didnt listened to me when they should've? fuck!!

 

[dandan]

I've have said my family that I want to kill myself since very early 20's
i've made them suffer for 18 years... im 36yo....
im now I really plan to ctb... making them suffer a lot , like a lot.. poor of my mom, what a shame to have a suicidal son... it will impact her in every way...
I feel like the most disgusting son ever..... I'm so disgusted at myself....
giuuugh... .... giulg with me... I disgust myself... giuuuuu...
I could live, but what a shitty life would I have?
I'm against the shitty life im going to have if I continue living

Thank you, I'm still here, this was written days before I've found trt. Testosterone relieved me from the depression I had, it's been a year and more than half. Thank you Dbol, Dbol was a member here who suggested a hormone checkup, which I did the very next day in the morning and went to the doctor with the poor results afterwork. Thanks SS.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm glad to know you're still here.
I also feel I failed as a son. My parents gave me everything and yet I was not able to deal with this thing called life.

 

[dandan]

I'm glad to know you're still here.
I also feel I failed as a son. My parents gave me everything and yet I was not able to deal with this called life.

I've been in the same situation for a long time, except for the last year and a half, but 1.2 of that 1.6 I've been on lock-down. I've been fine with trt, best thing that happened to me.

I'm starting to live and work, and trying to make a life, ain't easy, but at least I'm not contemplating ctb, maybe few minutes a months because life can be hard but nothing like the past 18 years.