I'm Sure Why is that so unbelievable

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

This may not be gramatically correct because I'm so tired and so lazy that I decided I would just speak and let my phone type out my words.
The things that go through my mind on a daily basis seems so hot to me yet. I also wonder if anyone thinks the same way
I'm extremely sure that I want to pass away. I keep going over and over in my. Mind? What exactly is it that I have to live for
Then I think I don't actually need a reason to live I don't want to live
I even thought what if I could figure out what would bring me peace. Joy and happiness and out of all those things is still not enough because I'm so tired and done with life that I don't even want those things. Anymore
I don't fantasize about those things anymore. I don't daydream about those things anymore and When I try to it doesn't last very long
I get jealous when I see that someone's passed away because 9 times that I 10 they actually enjoyed life they had what they needed or could get with. They need and their life was cut short
Here I am Not wanting life and I keep waking up every day knowing that I don't want to be here. I just have to go through the motions and survive
Now instead of daydreaming about love Family or great friends. I wish that someone would walk up behind me and just put me out of my misery. Wouldn't even see it coming
I pray in my sleep that maybe God will Grant some type of complication where I just won't wake up and it's My time to go
I have this strange thought that. What is the most hurtful thing that I've experienced close to my first breakup
My first breakup was when I was sixteen and I didn't handle it very well at all I spiralled out of control
But nothing hurt more than when I finally reached out to dig to see if it was able for me to have assisted passing and because they don't do That for mentally ill people. I wasn't able to go through the process but I paid money for it basically just to be a member
I have this Shania Twain concert. I'm supposed to go to this summer and the plan was to go and have one last Good time seeing someone that I've never gotten to see and someone I love and admire so much than afterwards I will go ahead and attempt to pass away but for some odd reason if I don't have things planned out I just can't do anything.
It really hurts that I'm not even smart enough to figure out how to off myself
I don't want to be here anymore I don't need to be here anymore. I'm 42 and that's a lot further than I thought. I would ever make it and I've done just the bare minimum of what I thought. I could never do so i'm satisfied with that please I want out of here

 

[FuneralCry]

Never waking again certainly does sound so incredibly ideal, that's also what I wish for. But anyway I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here so I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.