Venting im stuck. I cant get myself to do anything

[soributton]

The past few years i havent felt any want to do anything. I spend all my time lazing around in my room just being so useless. I failed all my college courses and disappointed my parents and I don't want to go back. I don't want to get a job. I don't want to do anything even though there's this guilt weighing over me 24/7 because of it.

I hate myself for being so lazy but theres no will inside me to want to change. I would rather be dead and I know it would be better for me and for parents so theres one less leech for them to take care of. I've felt suicidal for a long time now and I hate that I'm still here. Every time I think about dying it reminds me of my own faults as a person. I'm alive still only because I'm too lazy to research methods let alone go through with them. It's easier just to waste another day moping in bed. I hate being stuck in this limbo. I wish I was a victim of sudden cardiac arrest or something.
Sorry if it doesnt make sense im not too used to venting about this

 

[SkeletonFlower96]

Nah, this makes sense, it is similar to what i feel, i already have my methods almost ready, i have a rope, SN, Clonazepam, Metoclopramide and everything, but i'm so tired and don't have any motivation to do anything, need to sort some things out before i CTB. And i took a whole year just to do this.