flutt3rshy
hopeless NEET
- Oct 22, 2023
- 7
At this point, I'm 100% sure I've got BPD. I'm supposed to get it diagnosed soon, but I'm not even sure if I can hold on that much longer.
Now, my favorite person has abandoned me at last and made all my most dreaded fears come true. Or rather, I'm abandoning her now so I can mentally prepare for the pain of her slowly distancing herself.
She was my soulmate, we always somehow found back together and she was the reason I stayed alive for years and years. But I don't want her that close anymore, firstly after what she's done and secondly so I can maybe finally leave this world without the guilt of hurting her. I'm planning on making her hate me and since most of my other friends are mutual friends of ours, they'll begin hating me too. The difficult part is making my family hate me as well. But I'll try my best.
I feel so incredibly betrayed. And I know that even if I get over it, I will get into these situations again and again. I really thought we would grow old as lifelong friends. But I can't even look at her and feel disgusted by just the thought of having her hug me. If I could, I'd erase every single memory I have with her.
None of this feels real and I just hope I can leave this world soon.
If this feeling persists, I will try to ctb by the end of January. Then all important events that I want my loved ones to enjoy will have passed.
I'll need to start writing letters. What does one write into a suicide note? I feel like I don't have the energy to write any and I don't think they'd make any sense either.
In bad episodes I try and write them in my head sometimes, but then they come out spiteful. I'd write things like "this is all your fault" but I shouldn't actually be writing that into a suicide note. Even though I want them all to hurt, I want them to regret not having treated me better. At the same time I want them to just be happy and live a good life.
I don't know, I'm just ranting here.
Now, my favorite person has abandoned me at last and made all my most dreaded fears come true. Or rather, I'm abandoning her now so I can mentally prepare for the pain of her slowly distancing herself.
She was my soulmate, we always somehow found back together and she was the reason I stayed alive for years and years. But I don't want her that close anymore, firstly after what she's done and secondly so I can maybe finally leave this world without the guilt of hurting her. I'm planning on making her hate me and since most of my other friends are mutual friends of ours, they'll begin hating me too. The difficult part is making my family hate me as well. But I'll try my best.
I feel so incredibly betrayed. And I know that even if I get over it, I will get into these situations again and again. I really thought we would grow old as lifelong friends. But I can't even look at her and feel disgusted by just the thought of having her hug me. If I could, I'd erase every single memory I have with her.
None of this feels real and I just hope I can leave this world soon.
If this feeling persists, I will try to ctb by the end of January. Then all important events that I want my loved ones to enjoy will have passed.
I'll need to start writing letters. What does one write into a suicide note? I feel like I don't have the energy to write any and I don't think they'd make any sense either.
In bad episodes I try and write them in my head sometimes, but then they come out spiteful. I'd write things like "this is all your fault" but I shouldn't actually be writing that into a suicide note. Even though I want them all to hurt, I want them to regret not having treated me better. At the same time I want them to just be happy and live a good life.
I don't know, I'm just ranting here.
