i'm still here

[harmunee]

a lot of shit happened tonight.

i thought my mom's husband was slamming doors on purpose to intimidate me but he wasn't. it was the spring he put on the door to keep the cat out of the basement. the reason he stomps around is because he's a big guy and that's just how he sounds.

basically, i refused to eat so my mom took all my electronics. phone, laptop, everything. she made me keep my door open too. i hid in my closet and napped until i thought she was sleeping.

i took my trap phone and tried to run to my dad's with it so i could tell my boyfriend what was happening. we're ldr but we have met up before and he's not that far away, just 2 hours or so.

when i tried to start my car, the car wouldn't start because i took the dead key. my mom caught up with me and brought me back inside.

she told me i was probably having a manic episode and i finally agreed to eat. i felt like i didn't deserve to eat but i still did. she let me have some wine.

i have a therapist now and i'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. we think i'm bipolar but we're not doctors.

i have a long phone charger noose under my bed from when i wanted to hang myself. i never got a chance to attempt because i had to keep my door open.

i feel really embarrassed and sad. i'm tired. i don't want to die anymore. i know i need help. i desperately need help. i hope i can find some.
p.s. crying while eating WITH my mom watching me was the worst feeling in the fucking world. i know i don't deserve the amount of care i get. i know i deserve to die. i don't know why she keeps trying to salvage me. i'm a broken cog in a broken machine. overwatch voice i need healing

 

[naookoo128]

Hey, that sounds super difficult, but it´s good to read that you hope to find help to get it better!
I know that will be very hard but as a start, try to not actively repeat these "I´m not worth it and I deserve to die"-beliefs on and on again. I know how hard it is to improve yourself if you dont care about yourself, it is such a weird task! But it´s not impossible do get rid of these toxic thoughts.
I´m not sure if I understood everything in your message, but can you reach out to your dad and your boyfriend, if you want to?

 

[harmunee]

Hey, that sounds super difficult, but it´s good to read that you hope to find help to get it better!
I know that will be very hard but as a start, try to not actively repeat these "I´m not worth it and I deserve to die"-beliefs on and on again. I know how hard it is to improve yourself if you dont care about yourself, it is such a weird task! But it´s not impossible do get of these toxic thoughts.
I´m not sure if I understood everything in your message, but can you reach out to your dad and your boyfriend, if you want to?

i think you're right. mom says the thoughts of being worthless are actually delusions. maybe you're both right.

i have a therapist now and i'll probably be getting some new medication. i'm scared but it's at least worth a try before i pick the ultimate final solution lol.

 

[naookoo128]

Definitly worth a try! It´s nice you found a therapist, I reaaaally hope you both fit together, this has the chance to make things much better and to get it rolling.
Try to be curious about what is going on inside you and how you can better understand yourself. I wish you good luck!

 

[harmunee]

Definitly worth a try! It´s nice you found a therapist, I reaaaally hope you both fit together, this has the chance to make things much better and to get it rolling.
Try to be curious about what is going on inside you and how you can better understand yourself. I wish you good luck!

i am really curious.
i used to think it was autism since that runs in my family too, my brother has it, but he functions better than i do right now.
i know there's something wrong. i've never had this bad of a crisis before. i'm tired. i still feel unworthy of help & all the blessings i have. i feel really guilty. but i'm thankful even though i don't seem like it to my parents