Story I'm still depressed but...

[WornOutLife]

I'm still depressed but I'M FIGHTING BACK!

I actually have four powerful enemies:

1. DEPRESSION:
Due to having bipolar disorder, I have more DOWNS than UPS and during these downs is when depression kicks my ass. It hits me so hard that I can barely leave my bed but the thing is, some days/weeks ago I couldn't do it at all and nowadays I CAN! I just stayed indoors thinking about CTB and which method I would use ALL DAY AND NIGHT LONG.
I'm somehow improving and I think this is because I've realized I don't have the guts to CTB so the only choice is to fight and keep on living.

2. ANXIETY.

I just can't turn off my brain. I'm thinking constantly of something while doing XX thing and that is EXHAUSTING. I think of both negative and positive things such as: "when will I die?" "Will I get fatter?" "Will I love again?" etc
Fortunately, I'm taking some "sleeping pills" which help me lots (risperidone and lorazepam) so, that's my way to fight anxiety; I just do whatever I should be doing while thinking of something else but I can at least turn this feeling off while I sleep between 5 and 7 hours a day.

3. ALCOHOL

This one is the hardest for me. I used to drink everyday and tried to quit alcohol many times but the thing is that I just can't go from drinking 3 champagnes a day to ZERO.
So, after thinking a lot, I've come to the conclusion that the best to do is trying to drink LESS and drink alcoholic drinks (no pun intended) which have A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL such as beer or Dr Lemon! (have you heard of this one? it's yummy lol)
I feel like I'm fighting Mike Tyson in his best years here but, I think little by little, I could win some rounds.

4. CTB THOUGHTS

Last but not least, the reason why I (and probably you) am here.
Let me tell you this: even if you decide to keep on living just like me, if you're suicidal, YOU WILL PROBABLY BE ALWAYS SUICIDAL. The thing is, can you cope with it and live anyway? When I say "live" I mean not just breathing and being in a bed 24/7. What I mean is study, work, have friends, get a gf, work out, read a book, etc.
Well, some days/weeks ago I COULDN'T DO IT AT ALL and something similar to what I mentioned on DEPRESSION happened. So, I said to myself:

"OKAY, BOY. YOU CAN'T KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS NOR THE METHOD SO WHAT CAN YOU DO? GET FATTER AND BE A NEET UNTIL YOU DIE? WHERE WILL YOU GET THE MONEY FROM? WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? "

Thus, I realized that the only option was to fight back and here I am.


I don't know whether I'll ctb or not someday but what I know is that this will be my last battle. I'm doing my best to move on and also I'm so happy to be here on SS.
I got really scared when I realized the domain .COM didn't work anymore but FELT DELIGHTED when I learnt about .IS and .ORG. I wish more people found about it!

You've helped me lots and trust me, with every single post I post (no pun intended again), I try my best to help you out.

I'm 33 years old and seeing many of you are much younger than me, I think some of my tips might "enlighten your path" somehow.


Well, this is it.


Thanks a bunch for reading me,


Please give me your thoughts,

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[rs929]

This is inspiring. I've been also been thinking that maybe I don't have the guts to CTB, so I might as well try to live the best I can

 

[WornOutLife]

This is inspiring. I've been also been thinking that maybe I don't have the guts to CTB, so I might as well try to live the best I can

Wish you the best, amigo.
I hope the fixthe26 guys read this so that they can see that some of us are really trying to live.

 

[Chischek]

I've been thinking thesame lately. I'll probably be suicidal for the rest of my life but I after losing everything the past year and having the worst depression ever , I have decided to fight back.... at leaat for now.

As long as I haven't ctb'ed I might as well try and see if I can make my life a bit better.

Good luck to you! I hope you'll have the strenght to keep fighting

 

[life-eternal]

i was thinking the same you and Chischek mentioned, that i will always be suicidal, and i think it is the truth. No matter how much i try to escape it, it will always be on my mind as a sort of backup plan, it's kind of fucked up, i really wish my brain was like normal people who think "suicide is not an option!!" I think once you fully open the "suicidal" door it is impossible to close it :/


Are you still drinking? I recently started new medication after i blew up at my family and told them about how i felt in this planet, i didn't get angry at them or insult them, just was honest with how i felt. I regret that so much. I haven't had a drink in a week and life is just so fucking dull without it.

thanks for sharing. it's always nice to read your posts as i can relate to them a lot, good luck bro!

 

[WornOutLife]

i was thinking the same you and Chischek mentioned, that i will always be suicidal, and i think it is the truth. No matter how much i try to escape it, it will always be on my mind as a sort of backup plan, it's kind of fucked up, i really wish my brain was like normal people who think "suicide is not an option!!" I think once you fully open the "suicidal" door it is impossible to close it :/


Are you still drinking? I recently started new medication after i blew up at my family and told them about how i felt in this planet, i didn't get angry at them or insult them, just was honest with how i felt. I regret that so much. I haven't had a drink in a week and life is just so fucking dull without it.

thanks for sharing. it's always nice to read your posts as i can relate to them a lot, good luck bro!

Being open about our real thoughts with our family is certainly hard. I've tried it before and ended up as a prisoner in my parents' house for 5 months lol.

Yeah, I'm still drinking but much less and only drinks such as beer. I don't get drunk at all because I was used to champagne and vodka so my tolerance level is VERY HIGH but I realized I actually enjoy THE ACT OF DRINKING.

My idea is to drink less days a week and if I do, just soft stuff such as beer and Dr. Lemon.

It's always nice reading you too.

Hugs and love, bro!