xXiloveyouXx
"was" is the saddest word of all
- Jul 27, 2024
- 42
Drove all the way out to West Virginia to jump and I couldn't do it. I wanted to get there for sunset so I could die looking at something beautiful - well, halfway through my trip I started panicking because I realized the crossroads I was at. Keep going to die, turn around and go home and live. Equal distance in both directions. I took about 45 minutes driving around rural nowhere Virginia attempting to find a Catholic priest to see if he could talk me out of my philosophy but not a single church was open, even though it was Sunday.
I took this as a sign to keep going, so I started heading to the bridge again. It really was beautiful and I had a great drive, the mountains and valleys at the edge of Virginia are so pretty. I mostly spent that time blasting the Velvet Underground and some of my favorite songs about dying. Unfortunately, that 45 minutes of hesitation made it so that by the time I was close by the sun had already set, and West Virginia is creepy as fuck at night with all of the twisty roads and I swear I heard screaming going up that mountain. A cop tailed me for about 15 minutes as I was driving through the smallest town I perhaps have ever seen in my life and I was sweating bullets that I'd be stopped and scrutinized for obviously not being from around there and suspiciously close to the famous suicide bridge.
Ultimately, it was too dark to see once I actually reached the bridge and there were also way too many people driving by since it wasn't even that late yet. But I knew that I couldn't die in the pitch black like that. I'm too much of a pussy. And so I sat in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts for about an hour calling my closest friends who were kind enough to help me calm down and also not call the police on me.
On the drive home I finally was able to cry and I felt like such a fucking empty pathetic loser at rock bottom who can't even live or die right. I couldn't stand looking at the sunset. Alone. Like it was making fun of me. Sometimes I feel like this world doesn't deserve the few beautiful things it has within it. I drove through the rich people part of the Fairfax-DC-Almost Baltimore area and had some fun imagining that I was the son of an important politician but then my whole family dies tragically and I never get over it, and that at least was midly entertaining.
And now I'm home and still too tired to do much of anything. I have no energy left in me and have been dissociating most of the time since I've gotten back. Nothing feels real. If I die, then that's it. Eternity is forever and nonexistence is forever. Forever is longer than the lifespan of a person. I don't know what to do, I almost want to try again somewhere closer and make sure I get the timing right this time. Living in a world without her is just too empty. But if I die, then that's it, but it has to come sooner or later, do I really want to be old? I want to immortalize the way I am, my problems, and everything else how it is right now by dying, so why can't I die??
I took this as a sign to keep going, so I started heading to the bridge again. It really was beautiful and I had a great drive, the mountains and valleys at the edge of Virginia are so pretty. I mostly spent that time blasting the Velvet Underground and some of my favorite songs about dying. Unfortunately, that 45 minutes of hesitation made it so that by the time I was close by the sun had already set, and West Virginia is creepy as fuck at night with all of the twisty roads and I swear I heard screaming going up that mountain. A cop tailed me for about 15 minutes as I was driving through the smallest town I perhaps have ever seen in my life and I was sweating bullets that I'd be stopped and scrutinized for obviously not being from around there and suspiciously close to the famous suicide bridge.
Ultimately, it was too dark to see once I actually reached the bridge and there were also way too many people driving by since it wasn't even that late yet. But I knew that I couldn't die in the pitch black like that. I'm too much of a pussy. And so I sat in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts for about an hour calling my closest friends who were kind enough to help me calm down and also not call the police on me.
On the drive home I finally was able to cry and I felt like such a fucking empty pathetic loser at rock bottom who can't even live or die right. I couldn't stand looking at the sunset. Alone. Like it was making fun of me. Sometimes I feel like this world doesn't deserve the few beautiful things it has within it. I drove through the rich people part of the Fairfax-DC-Almost Baltimore area and had some fun imagining that I was the son of an important politician but then my whole family dies tragically and I never get over it, and that at least was midly entertaining.
And now I'm home and still too tired to do much of anything. I have no energy left in me and have been dissociating most of the time since I've gotten back. Nothing feels real. If I die, then that's it. Eternity is forever and nonexistence is forever. Forever is longer than the lifespan of a person. I don't know what to do, I almost want to try again somewhere closer and make sure I get the timing right this time. Living in a world without her is just too empty. But if I die, then that's it, but it has to come sooner or later, do I really want to be old? I want to immortalize the way I am, my problems, and everything else how it is right now by dying, so why can't I die??
