Help Im starting to lose myself. What do I do.

[OcularFear]

I'm starting to feel things I didn't feel before towards things I've already experienced. My mother came to talk to me today to comfort me some, however normally I just feel, I dunno, nothing? But today I felt so, irritated, and I told her to just stop until she went away. I'm afraid that I'm finally losing it, losing myself, that maybe I'm finally merging with "him" and that I'll become the person I don't want to be.

I know I said I'd end my life on March 18th. But Its probably going to have to be sooner than that. My family may pickup on my new behaviors and think somethings wrong, and if they do well then its all fucking over for me. I used to be able to lie through my teeth about I felt and keep up a wall with a decent picture to keep them from seeing the reality of what was going on in my maze of a mind. But today, it got noticably more difficult to keep that wall up, in fact when I did have to make effort to keep it up, the noise got louder, and he kept asking me that fucking dreaded question hes been asking me for years!!! "What was it like" I DONT KNOW! I don't know what it was like because what is it! What was what like? I don't fucking know!!!! He won't tell me what "it" is so I can't answer his question but I know he will keep asking until I answer it with the right answer! It's an impossible question because I don't even know what he's asking about! At this point I'm ready to just duct tape a hose to the tailpipe of my parents car and fucking gas myself in it so this is all over. I wish this was all a bad dream. To make it all worse, I used to be able to keep people in my peripheral vision with minimal problems. But now? While they are in my peripheral vision or if I know they are in the same room as me. I just feel like they are looking at me, staring at me. If they are in my peripheral vision even if I know they aren't looking at me I still FEEL like they are! And it looks like they are! But when I look at them they aren't fucking looking at me but it still feels like they are staring at me. I just want to stop be looked at. I don't want to be looked at anymore. I just want to hide away under a mask, cover my face, cover everything. I can't stand the thought of being seen. I don't know what to do anymore. At this point I just live everyday of my life like it's on a repeating disc, everyday, do the same shit, because I have no idea WHAT ELSE THERE IS TO DO ITS ALL PONTLESS.

 

[Zany]

If you are going to go sooner, I'd imagine your best bet would probably be to try and mask your troubles as much as possible and just avoid interaction. The worst thing that could probably happen is that people in your life try to take action when you don't want them to, so as long as you don't appear to change in their eyes, it may be easier to get away with it. Whenever i feel myself breaking down i like to distract myself by just doing anything so there's not space for other thoughts and voices. besides, why would it matter to you what 'it' is, since everything's pointless anyway, it's probably not even worth thinking about