Venting i’m so tired

[idlelectra]

i'm so tired of always fighting the urges and the thoughts. i'm exhausted!! and the worst part is i feel like i'm doing it for everyone else's sake. if i had it my way i would just be at home every day and do nothing except paint/bake/listen to music but instead i have to 'do things' with my life. i hate it. i bet even if i did that all day i i'd still want to be dead. i'm just tired of always having to fight. it's too much. i just need relief. i feel like i've been stressed every day since i was 11 years old. i need relief for once in my life. i wish i could just log off of life. i'm so tired of fighting it all

 

[warmsand]

similar feelings here, especially with the idea of "logging off" of life. i want to delete my existence, not kill myself, but disappear from the universe altogether, and take with me the memories people had of me.

what's helped me, and this might be stupid, but i've been living as if i'm already dead. as in i have no more attachment to myself or anything around me. that way i've just been freestyling life and doing things because i don't care about what happens anymore. for instance i don't study for exams anymore because if i fail, so what?

i guess it also helps to say that i have a CTB date planned, so everything between now and then is just gonna feel pointless and therefore calm.

 

[idlelectra]

similar feelings here, especially with the idea of "logging off" of life. i want to delete my existence, not kill myself, but disappear from the universe altogether, and take with me the memories people had of me.

what's helped me, and this might be stupid, but i've been living as if i'm already dead. as in i have no more attachment to myself or anything around me. that way i've just been freestyling life and doing things because i don't care about what happens anymore. for instance i don't study for exams anymore because if i fail, so what?

i guess it also helps to say that i have a CTB date planned, so everything between now and then is just gonna feel pointless and therefore calm.

I've been going to therapy so i find it very conflicting. when i go to therapy i feel more optimistic in the days after. then it wears off and i go back to feeling like this.

i really wish i could just disappear, as if i never had been. that would be so much better :(

It's nearly one year since i took the OD that landed me in hospital and i tend to feel really bad in March. not sure why. but i've began looking at methods and seriously trying to put things in case. i like knowing that there's something there, just in case…

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course existing certainly can be very tiring and it's very much understandable just wishing to finally be at peace from all the suffering. It really would be ideal to be able to disappear as after all, nobody can be harmed by not existing.

 

[idlelectra]

Of course existing certainly can be very tiring and it's very much understandable just wishing to finally be at peace from all the suffering. It really would be ideal to be able to disappear as after all, nobody can be harmed by not existing.

agreed. or just go to sleep and never wake up. i love sleeping but i never feel rested when i wake up.