Venting I’m so tired

[Freedom21]

I keep trying partial with almost all my weight and all I get is some head pounding and not being able to breathe after a minute or two. I have had a terrible experience will full that failed and now unless I black out I don't want to do full. I can't keep practicing because I keep getting broken capillaries and sore throat. I have chronic illness that are exacerbated by stress so that's great. I feel like such a loser when I can't get it right. I don't want to go in pain and now I feel trapped. I am nowhere near functional right now and honestly considering disability. I now need to work on being more okay and try to apply for a gun or get access to drugs. I want out now but I have to get a little better to kill myself. I feel like that's so fucked up. I'm so tired, depressed and guilty . My parents love me so much and I feel like such a burden. I'm alone in my house right now and I honestly need someone to help me take care of my dog. I cry the whole day and I need to take him on walks and pay attention to him which I'm not doing. I'm might call my brother to come stay with me but I feel so guilty. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 9. I am now 25 and have health conditions on top on those. I'm just curious to see if anyone also has ic and ibs. Both keep my on the toilet for hours. I just tried bladder Botox and fuck I was in so much pain for the entire day after that. I also couldn't really wipe for 4 day after. I don't know how I'm in so much pain but can't fathom the idea of suffering for 20 minutes in full suspension. I know I'm absolutely miserable right now but I also refuse to feel that much pain in my final moment. Sorry for this monster of a paragraph. I also want to say I really only post on here when I'm in crisis but I love this community . I wish I could met and hug all of you. I never have met someone irl that I can talk about suicide stuff with. This community makes me feel less lonely even if I wish you guys were happy and pain free.

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

No need to apologize. This forum is for people in their darkest moments anyway. I hope you get better

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really horrible what you have to experience and it must be torture feeling so incredibly trapped in that situation. We really shouldn't have to suffer so much in finding ways to finally be free from this hellish world, I've never even attempted hanging before as I would just fear it going wrong. I've read about others failed attempts with that method and it really does sound easier than it actually is when you hear of all those succeeding. But it's just so awful how people have to struggle so much to achieve the only true solution to all problems, none of us should have to stay here a second longer than we wish to.
I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.