Venting Im so tired of being unregulated

[capi]

My emotions have no rhyme or rhythm. Ive been trying to die for a while but 8 hours before it happens suddenly i love my life. When i wake up the morning after, i regret it so much and i just wanted to die.

And my brain convinces itself that it doesnt need to die because i feel fine, but I LITERALLY logically know i ONLY feel fine because i feel like im going to die, because once my method is threatened i break down and panic.

I want to die but my emotions are doing everything just to prevent discomfort and pain with death. I loved living sure but i want to die, and its not as simple as "just dont die then", like i really want to but my body and emotions are never the same, im so tired of it everyday!!

And there are times in absolutely convinced i never even loved life!! Holy shit someone KILL ME!!!!!! I am so tired of being mentally ill. The worst part is that i can LOGICALLY SEE EVERYTHING BUT I AM STILL TIED DOWN LIKE IM IN A CAGE!

 

[justanotherfailure]

I'm sorry, jatty. I hope you can find peace, whether from life or death

 

[looking4partner]

My emotions have no rhyme or rhythm. Ive been trying to die for a while but 8 hours before it happens suddenly i love my life. When i wake up the morning after, i regret it so much and i just wanted to die.

And my brain convinces itself that it doesnt need to die because i feel fine, but I LITERALLY logically know i ONLY feel fine because i feel like im going to die, because once my method is threatened i break down and panic.

I want to die but my emotions are doing everything just to prevent discomfort and pain with death. I loved living sure but i want to die, and its not as simple as "just dont die then", like i really want to but my body and emotions are never the same, im so tired of it everyday!!

And there are times in absolutely convinced i never even loved life!! Holy shit someone KILL ME!!!!!! I am so tired of being mentally ill. The worst part is that i can LOGICALLY SEE EVERYTHING BUT I AM STILL TIED DOWN LIKE IM IN A CAGE!

Omg I relate to this so much. I have been suffering & experiencing chronic ideation for so many years. And then once I finally decided and acquired all the materials I need and get the privacy circumstances to attempt (which are literally impossible to plan for, so I can only attempt when everything lines up correctly, for some reason the ideation will suddenly stop during or in the middle of those moments This may have been a good thing because I did realize that my ammo was not powerful enough to be successful right before I was about to do something. And my emotions actually were lined up with hopelessness & intrusive berating thoughts & attempting that time, but I went to check something about the ammo online and during that pause, suddenly the ideation feeling and thoughts stopped. Even though I normally literally have ideation 24/7 and as a reaction to every annoyance/irritability that comes up, confusing & unsolvable problem, & emotional hurt feelings)

Even though I know that I am going to regret not attempting once the week starts again and the ideation will become obsessive again along with unbearable fear, torturous anxiety & depressive thoughts, and a return of loneliness, hopelessness, self-disgust, & emotional pain/hurt deeper than I have ever experienced. And I won't have the privacy to attempt as soon as it returns and I become desperate again and remember how overwhelming & scary life is and how torturous & debilitating certain symptoms are and how much independence and life I am missing out on because of them.

And I also forget how overwhelming being forced to socialize so much & 'act normal' no matter how much I'm suffering is which I will be forced to do much more in the future and how lonely not being able to socialize with who I want to because of my symptoms is and how much I am left out and treated like a burden because of them is and how much responsibility I have to be in charge of so that everything doesn't go wrong even though I desperately need help, advice, & advocacy.

And then when I decide that I do need to attempt, there is no privacy and I can't get away when I am free because things don't line up. And it is only possible for me to attempt when everything lines up perfectly.

Literally I have almost never had ideation stop until I am finally able to attempt. Wtf is this? I did not think that was what SI meant.

And I actually don't love life and haven't for an extremely long time. And I need to be able to complete this before the deadline where I will become even more controlled by other people, more alone, & with even less independence, help, or guidance.

 

[capi]

Omg I relate to this so much. I have been suffering & experiencing chronic ideation for so many years. And then once I finally decided and acquired all the materials I need and get the privacy circumstances to attempt (which are literally impossible to plan for, so I can only attempt when everything lines up correctly, for some reason the ideation will suddenly stop during or in the middle of those moments This may have been a good thing because I did realize that my ammo was not powerful enough to be successful right before I was about to do something. And my emotions actually were lined up with hopelessness & intrusive berating thoughts & attempting that time, but I went to check something about the ammo online and during that pause, suddenly the ideation feeling and thoughts stopped. Even though I normally literally have ideation 24/7 and as a reaction to every annoyance/irritability that comes up, confusing & unsolvable problem, & emotional hurt feelings)

Even though I know that I am going to regret not attempting once the week starts again and the ideation will become obsessive again along with unbearable fear, torturous anxiety & depressive thoughts, and a return of loneliness, hopelessness, self-disgust, & emotional pain/hurt deeper than I have ever experienced. And I won't have the privacy to attempt as soon as it returns and I become desperate again and remember how overwhelming & scary life is and how torturous & debilitating certain symptoms are and how much independence and life I am missing out on because of them.

And I also forget how overwhelming being forced to socialize so much & 'act normal' no matter how much I'm suffering is which I will be forced to do much more in the future and how lonely not being able to socialize with who I want to because of my symptoms is and how much I am left out and treated like a burden because of them is and how much responsibility I have to be in charge of so that everything doesn't go wrong even though I desperately need help, advice, & advocacy.

And then when I decide that I do need to attempt, there is no privacy and I can't get away when I am free because things don't line up. And it is only possible for me to attempt when everything lines up perfectly.

Literally I have almost never had ideation stop until I am finally able to attempt. Wtf is this? I did not think that was what SI meant.

And I actually don't love life and haven't for an extremely long time. And I need to be able to complete this before the deadline where I will become even more controlled by other people, more alone, & with even less independence, help, or guidance.

I have to come to an unfortunate realization I just need to do it. I need to do a hard thing. Just like many things in life that people have had to face. This is mine.

Unless something outside kills me. But in life you cant depend on any hope for anything.