I'm so stupid (seems like I fucked up my body)

[never mind me]

I already know that this post is going to be quite pathetic. So sorry in advance for being such a stupid drama queen.
As the title suggests I seem to have messed with my health by poor decision-making.
I am currently travelling, but had the bad luck to get a really bad flu at the beginning of May. First it seemed not to be too bad, but after already feeling better I suddenly got a really sore throat. Looking back at it I can see that I probably should have given my body more rest, but at the time I didn't realize and simply got angry as I thought being reasonable and not drinking alcohol while being sick was useless (in the 4 months prior I had developped an unhealthy habit of drinking way too much, although I didn't drink daily and am not physically addicted). So out of anger and frustration I was like "Ok, fuck it let's just get drunk". Obviously this made things much worse, the sore throat turned into laryngitis and I got a fever and was generally really sick. As I already had had laryngitis once a couple years previously I knew what you are supposed to do, if you have laryngitis. So I pulled myself together, stayed about 10 days in a hostel that was relatively empty, completely avoided talking, drinking alcohol and even coffee. And I was extremely careful about going back to being active and talking again for another week after that. Eventually everything was normal again.
However at that point I became really worried, because my boy-friend who is currently in our home country didn't answer messages or even come on online for over a week. Actually this happens often that he is not online for days on end (although rarely 10 days like this time) as he is almost permanently taking amphetamines and then forgets everything else. But still after over a week of not hearing from him I became paranoid that something could have happened to him, that maybe he died unexpectedly or something. I tried to tell myself that at his age it's highly unlikely to suddenly die, even looked up the statistics, but to no avail. Although I had had this same experience various times with him always just being at home either on amphetamines or sleeping to recover from them I am still worried every time. I think it also has something to do with the fact that his brother has a heart condition that requires him to have a pacemaker (although he is only in his 30s ). The condition is genetic, i.e. my boy-friend has a higher risk of also having it.
Anyway after worrying for several days and not being able to calm myself I decided to have a drink again. In general I use drugs and especially vaping Cannabis a lot to deal with difficult situations. In the country I am in this is not an option as Cannabis is highly illegal. As I had felt in good health for a week and even long conversations felt ok again I didn't think much of drinking alcohol. However, I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep not being able to go back to sleep. And I had a sore throat again. In the end I decided to use a OTC drug that contains a mix of dihydrocodeine, caffeine and some other stuff against cold which I can't remember in order to get high from the dihydrocodeine and forget the whole thing. Probably that also contributed to things getting worse again.
After that I had a sore throat again and although I didn't completely lose my voice again talking feels painful after a while again. That was over a week ago and although things seemed to improve it still is not good and I guess I am talking too much, but I just can't deal with being completely socially isolated. In the meantime my boy-friend sent me a few messages and then was offline again. He doesn't seem to care in the least for me. (I had told him multiple times that it hurts and scares me, if he just ignores everything for a week or even longer, but he doesn't change).
I am really desperate now. If I were at home I would probably see a doctor , but here I don't have health insurance (although I could pay for a doctor visit myself, but I am worried about the language barrier and that a doctor will probably also not be able to do much) and even at home I don't have health insurance any more and if I were to go back I would need to stay at my boy-friend's place till I find my own appartment. And although he agreed to let me stay there beforehand I am really worried that he will kick me out leaving me essentially homeless. Currently I just wish to have my own place where I can heal, but going back and trying to find an apartment , dealing with the burocracy to get back into health insurance and claiming unemployment benefits just feels too much at the moment. I'm at a complete loss at what to do. I don't want to be in a foreign country as I seem not to be able to recover from my sickness here, but I suspect that if I go back and put myself at my boy-friend's mercy I may make my situation even worse tthan it is.
I also hate myself so much as I have obviously put myself in this situation by being so stupid and always taking wrong decisions. Not only now, but also in giving up my apartment for travel (even if I have done the same earlier in life without complications) and I just feel so worthless as my boy-friend can't even be bothered to message me every few days despite him having lots of free time and knowing that I am in a bad way right now.

 

[Redacted24]

In some places there are places or clinics that can provide some treatments for almost free, especially if there is the potential for negative public health outcomes. Perhaps your accommodation staff can refer you to a local one?

Some private doctors also may diagnose you and help you find the medicine.

You deserve kindness and support when you're not feeling well!
And it's okay to ask for help.
If no one else says it, I'm here for you.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

I dont have that much to say. But just know that i read all of this

Try to calm down. You most likely have something minor and are suffering from cannabis with drawal

i reccomend you cut back later and try to get used to micro dosing

In my experience micro is better cuz once tolerance builds itll be the same feeling as a lower douse from before

Micro lets you save money and use that money to buy more weed. Can alwayd take more for the really bad times where youre really hurttin

 

[never mind me]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I can add an uptdate: I decided to go to an ear-mouth-nose doctor in the country I travelled in and he told me that I should be completely silent for a while and prescribed some medication against cough and the like (which seemed a bit random as I wasn't suffering from cough). But possibly he didn't realize how long I had these issues as we could only communicate with google translate. I decided to fly back to my home country, as it just seemed not realistic to avoid speaking completely while travelling and there were also many other things that seemed to make it worse like cold air outside or cold air condition inside. My boy-friend actually said that I could stay at his place for a bit. However, when I was there he complained about the fact that I was staying at his place after only 2 or 3 days, then went away for a few days for work and after coming back told me that I have to leave within a few days, because he didn't want to have me at his home. Luckily a friend of mine offered me to stay with him and his wife. Although it is quite far from where my boy-friend lives I am actually glad to at least have a place to stay. In the meantime I went to the ear mouth nose doctor again in my home country as the pain in my throat didn't go away even with not talking at all. And this second doctor realizied that I actually have reflux and that is the reason the voice box doesn't heal. so I was prescribed medication for it, but didn't get any other explanation. When I asked, when I can talk again he told me that I can talk as long as it is not painful. So I was somewhat relieved, talked a litte bit, but am still experiencing pain quite often. I started taking the medication I was prescribed and only eat very limited types of food. This seems to help somewhat with the reflux and pain, but I still am so far from having a normal life and I doubt that it will be back to normal any time soon. I suspect that even with limited talking it is still too much, but I really have a hard time limiting it, because I just feel completey isolated. Also at this point I am so discouraged as it didn't help me so far when I did avoid talking and I just feel really isolated and don't know what to do any more.
And I am really worried, because when my friends also kick me out I have literally nowhere to go. I could only hope that my ex-landlord would be willing to rent out to me again (this has worked in the past after coming back from long term travels), although it would mean I am stuck in a city that I actually don't want to live again. But it might be for the best, as I doubt that I can get well any time soon and this seems to completely mess with my travel plans I originally had. I am just so desperate, I don't know how to deal with the situation any more. It seems kind of stupid to ctb over a health issue that can probably be cured, but together with my general unstable situation (not having a home or a job, not having health insurance) and the fact that I obviously was stupid enough to put trust in a boy-friend, that doesn't give a damn about me seems just too much. On top of everything else I am being mad at myself for my decisions regarding my career, as the chances of having a decent income in the field I work in are rapidly declining and it is also impossible to work abroad where conditions would be better. But my qualification wouldn't be recognized outside of my home country. And as working would mean a lot of talking I can't even look for work while I don't have this issue with my voice resolved.
The only positive thing is that I managed to get a prescription for THC drops in my home country, which at least allows me to sleep normally again.