Venting Im so scared of the future I want to die already

[bloodandshavedhead]

I know as fucked up as it sounds, I don't want to live anymore, I'm scared of living now the fact that I actually have a future. I applied to multiple colleges (I'm a 18 year old still in high school/late birthday) and I don't know why but I just started crying and thought about how I'm actually going have to live. I'm so scared of the future I want to vomit, I'm not ready to graduate high school, I'm not ready to take on actual adult responsibilities, I want to cry because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't make it out alive, I don't know what to do with my life other than what people told me to do, I feel burnt out, tired and scared. I just want to crawl back into my mother's arms like the scared child I am, I'm scared, it feels like I'm drowning, I keep on crying. I wish I never been a high achieving student; I wish somewhere in another universe I never had a chance, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm angry I spent my youth studying for examinations instead of doing dumb shit with my friends, I wanted to experience broken bones, getting into a fight, stupid teenage messy relationships, instead of studying my ass off for exams, maybe it's the stress and the fact that it's past my regular program sleeping schedule but I can't do this.


I wasn't meant to live for this long and now that I have, I'm just standing there staring at the sky asking whatever is up there to give me a purpose and I keep on praying to it to give me some type of horrible disease like cancer. I wish that if I could, I would take away the cancer from everyone who wanted to live so I could die. I been trying to catch the bus since I was 8, but now I'm 18, nine attempts throughout eighteen years.

I hope the stress kills me

 

[kufajoy]

Very sorry for you. Wish you could breath a little freely without giving yourself much pressure. Hope you feel better soon

 

[OutOfThisBody]

I applied to multiple colleges ... and I don't know why but I just started crying and thought about how I'm actually going have to live. I'm so scared of the future I want to vomit, I'm not ready to graduate high school, I'm not ready to take on actual adult responsibilities, I want to cry because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't make it out alive, I don't know what to do with my life other than what people told me to do, I feel burnt out, tired and scared.

I felt the exact same way before I did my first year of college, like it was gonna be too hard to live by myself/with a roommate, have to feed myself, handle my own transportation, etc. But when I got to the dorm and stuff I felt like I really enjoyed the independence, and like I could have been living away from my parents for a long time by then. For some reason at first I was scared of taking buses in fear of getting lost or not knowing what I was doing, but after taking them regularly I'm fine with buses.

So all in all you should probably give it a try at least and see how you feel. The scary part about adult life is that nothing is for sure, including the future and jobs and stuff, but to get to the future you have to take that leap of faith, move to that city, apply for that job, etc.

sending good vibes

 

[itsgone2]

Wow. So young but you already see the reality.
If you stay, what if you don't go to uni? Or go for a chang to your current plan. A trade school. Police or fire. Something like that.

 

[systemic_livestock]

I know as fucked up as it sounds, I don't want to live anymore, I'm scared of living now the fact that I actually have a future. I applied to multiple colleges (I'm a 18 year old still in high school/late birthday) and I don't know why but I just started crying and thought about how I'm actually going have to live. I'm so scared of the future I want to vomit, I'm not ready to graduate high school, I'm not ready to take on actual adult responsibilities, I want to cry because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't make it out alive, I don't know what to do with my life other than what people told me to do, I feel burnt out, tired and scared. I just want to crawl back into my mother's arms like the scared child I am, I'm scared, it feels like I'm drowning, I keep on crying. I wish I never been a high achieving student; I wish somewhere in another universe I never had a chance, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm angry I spent my youth studying for examinations instead of doing dumb shit with my friends, I wanted to experience broken bones, getting into a fight, stupid teenage messy relationships, instead of studying my ass off for exams, maybe it's the stress and the fact that it's past my regular program sleeping schedule but I can't do this.


I wasn't meant to live for this long and now that I have, I'm just standing there staring at the sky asking whatever is up there to give me a purpose and I keep on praying to it to give me some type of horrible disease like cancer. I wish that if I could, I would take away the cancer from everyone who wanted to live so I could die. I been trying to catch the bus since I was 8, but now I'm 18, nine attempts throughout eighteen years.

I hope the stress kills me

I relate alot with this, frankly I was a horrible student in high-school (gpa of 1.95). I fell into the constant trap of avoiding work because neglecting felt like second nature part of it was because I was lazy but at the same time I lacked the motivation to change my life like at all due to mental life i felt like the only time i actually was at peace was in my sleep. Of note on that I feel I still have an academic subject i like in history dispight my tendency to barely pass all classes I did mange to atlest pass highschool and at community college. Its frankly embarrassing as hell to admit it outloud to people when they ask where I am going but atlest i have the option to transfer out assuming I actually mange to do well. So atlest there is a way out community college method does work for some people but it sucks honestly I know for a fact too that if I ever start slowing down or stop with my academics there is no future no second chance for me to become a historian or really have a life worth living. My grades honestly are a fight for my life so I can transfer and fix my life.

Enough about me I think what you should take way is its not too late. You can make more friends in your post of hs life you can still be academicly successful but in life you offen dont get breathing room slowing down for whatever reason means you fail at which is there reason to live if you cant live up to achieving your goals? I feel you should live for now do college and fix things with your grades and soical life. Sucide will always be there for you in the end. I think ctb should only be there though for when you life is truly over with no way out. I hope we both mange our goals good luck stranger.