Venting Im so proud, but in a bad way

[dumpsterfire]

my dad won an award and is accepting it at a gala event in december, not gonna get into it bc i dont wanna give out info on this site for obvious reasons. But im going too, and i dont deserve any of it, like theres going to be a big dinner and we're riding into it in a limo and i can even bring a friend (if i had any i wanted to bring). But im so proud of my dad, and seeing how far he's come as a person and a business owner makes me so happy for him, but inside i feel so god damn ashamed of how much of a failure i am. I will never be as successful, as good of a person, and as devoted as him. and i hope i dont hurt him too much when i do go. Like idk how i could ctb when he cares so much about me, but if im just no longer, like inexistent and all around gone, i wouldnt have that weighing on my conscience. but it is something that has stopped a couple of attempts in the past, it just feel so selfish. i love my dad.

 

[unfortunatelyhere]

I feel like a failure every day. I know my dad loves me, I'm the only child and my mum is long dead. I don't know if I hurt him more by causing so much drama and pain, or if it will hurt him more if I'm not here. I'm 40, and live on the otherside of the world to him, that has what has stopped me following through in the past. I feel like everyone would be better off without me