I'm so jealous of you

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Probably, quite a few of us can relate to the feeling of being jealous/envious of those who have similar problems to us, but seem to be coping with them just fine. Let's not even talk about the super successful people flaunting their "blessings" on social media, because that's a whole other layer of envy that deserves it's own rant.

I do feel like less of a person when I come across an account or influencer who makes content about living with xyz condition, and then manages to maintain a happy exterior all throughout their posts/videos/etc. While I'm aware that a lot of people do a great deal of acting and putting on appearances for the camera, that's undeniable in the case of many content creators and internet users in general, I also can't deny that many of these people do seem happy or at least content with their situations in their day to day life.

One example of this is an account I found that documents the life of a younger woman who also has CFS and lives with her partner, who does a great deal of caretaking for her. They also own pets together and manage to have a fulfilling relationship and domestic life in spite of her illness. Also, her condition is objectively worse than mine. I'm somewhere in the middle when it comes to the severity of my CFS, because I'm not bed bound, but I also can't really function in the way that those with milder illness do.

However, she is still happy despite being bedridden and relying on her partner for so much. I can't help but feel envious of her, for being able to cope with the situation so well. Unfortunately, I can't really participate in those support group type communities without feeling worse. If you're bedridden and your only interaction with the outside world is to look at birds from the window, they say you should appreciate the small things like being able to hear the sounds of the birds, and the beauty of nature, despite being incapacitated and physically suffering nonstop.

Perhaps I am weak, and not resilient enough, but I can't be happy in this kind of situation. Radical acceptance is something which is pushed heavily in chronic illnesses communities, but there are simply many things that I cannot accept. I've lost so many years of my life being cooped up indoors due to illness and bad situations, and I simply can't be happy with this kind of lifestyle. I'm the sort of person who can only find fulfillment through keeping busy and not being left alone with my thoughts, and honestly I don't think there is any way to change such an inherent facet of my character and person.

To be fair, I have been in an abusive, controlling relationship for many years. Finally, after all this time, it looks like that there may be a way out of that situation on the horizon, even though I am still heavily trauma bonded to my abusive partner despite the fact that he barely acknowledges my existence. So, I've been told that maybe my lease on things will change when I am living in environment similar to that girl who I mentioned, and receiving proper love and care, not having to worry about becoming homeless or destitute, etc.

However, despite finally receiving some positive attention, and being able to bond with someone who doesn't hurt or abuse me, I still don't feel happy, and I feel like there is something inherently broken about me because I can't experience any level of contentment on a consistent basis. Because at the end of the day, there are still so many things that I carry. Things that I will carry with me until the end of my life, like trauma, chronic pain, chronic illness, and so on.

I am sure people who are not familiar with my situation would simply say I am horribly depressed, but I don't think that I would feel the way I do if I was not so ill. Many people on other forums say that you should try getting a handle on your mental state, so you can cope better with chronic illness, but I genuinely don't see how that is possible when my circumstances are the direct cause of why I feel such despair all of the time. Plus their only idea of "mental help" is to push SSRIs and SNRIs which make me feel more suicidal, and to practice radical acceptance.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel peace in accepting that my life sucks, and is going to continue to suck forever. Natural human instinct when being confronted with a problem is the immediate desire to solve it. Forcing people to accept a bad lot, with no hope of change, feels like an insane level of cruelty. I'm jealous of all of these people who seem to be coping so well, and can constantly reinforce these positive, hopium injected attitudes, because it does illustrate that they genuinely believe these things.

Even if I tried to delude myself, the pain is always so resonant. Imagine being trapped (for years and years now) in a body that is constantly breaking down and feeling terrible, with a mind that yearns to create, explore, and feel pleasure, but your capacity for memory is at the level of an older adult with a mild cognitive impairment/early stage dementia, your body can't regulate temperature properly so you never feel true comfort, you can't see properly because your vision is blurry all the time, can't maintain focus, can't think of words, can't stand up too long or it's like knives in my spine, can't walk without going at a snail's pace... You get the picture.

I'm so jealous of people who can cope in my situation, because I genuinely feel like I am in hell every single day. I want whatever these people were born with that enabled them to feel happiness even when they're enduring great suffering. I feel like one day something snapped and I hit my limit of what I could endure. Maybe I'm simply not tough enough, but I envy people who can be in a similar situation to me and keep smiling. I'm completely miserable.

 

[certified_idiot]

I know the feeling. I have hEDS (along with some comorbid conditions), and I constantly see people online who are able to make the best of their situations. hEDS is weird because it has so many different presentations; some people experience mild pain that is easily dealt with, while others are bed bound and dislocate joints everyday. I'm somewhere in the middle.

When I first figured out I had hEDS (because I have to figure out all my problems before a doctor will even look at me), I watched a lot of videos by this woman who had a family and supported herself with her youtube channel, and was able to have a fulfilling life. Obviously she had a supportive family (which included her parents). I just wished I could do that. It feels like it should be hopeful; someone with my condition was able to live a happy life! However, it just made me feel worse, because now it seems like I have no excuse for being so pathetic. Part of that is probably just some of my mom's bullshit that was ingrained in my brain, though.

I feel like shit all the time, and than I see people who are medically doing worse than me, who are also happier than me, and I feel like a failure. I can barely even type this stuff out, but as long as all my fingers are in their sockets, I can just bare the pain. I know have to be strong and keep living, but I don't want to anymore. I can't get better. I don't want to get better. People like me, who are both mentally and physically fragile, who were born into bad situations, who are getting worse every day, we weren't meant to survive. If I lived in the middle ages, I probably would've died of pneumonia as a teenager.

I hope that the people I'm envious of have a good day, because happiness shouldn't be a zero sum game. I just wish I was as strong as them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I quit social media in part because of all the envy I felt. Again- towards people in a similar situation to me but, doing better. Not in terms of coping with long- term illness- which I'm grateful for. But- people doing better in the careers and lives- with partners etc.

I suppose I'd tend to say- if you know these stories don't bring you hope or motivate you to try to improve your situation (if that is even possible,) can you try to avoid them? But then- I can also understand the need to want peer support and understanding. It's got to feel awful to come out of that feeling envy/ shame instead though.

My envy can be more wicked than this really. In truth, I do envy people who's difficulties in life were taken seriously by their families. Truthfully, I envy people who aren't pushed to have to work and support themselves. I suppose I realise I don't need or deserve that level of support but, health is so difficult to guage- especially mental/ emotional issues. Then again- I simultaneously realise how wicked that is. I can't seriously be envious of someone's illness- which is presumably why they can't work to begin with.

I suppose it all comes down to the feeling that we are struggling, while other people seem to be taking it all in their stride. That there is something intrinsically wrong with us- that prevents us doing that. One thing I have realised from talking to others was that they were in fact struggling underneath. They just put on a good show because- that was what was expected.

Maybe it is genuine sometimes and I'm sure some people do struggle more than others. I think in part though- plenty of people pretend to be stronger than they feel. Maybe in part to try to convince themselves that they are doing ok. But- it's almost what's expected on social media I think.