Im so far behind other people and its killing me inside

[miles-away]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

 

[NutOrat]

I feel you. I especially feel awful when I see people younger than me achieving so much more, being well put together, acting more mature, more intelligent, and so on. I know it's all harmful beliefs that older = must do better, but it's so ingrained in me, like it's one of the most extreme cases of shame a person can experience. It becomes like my personal failure that someone younger succeeded at something I didn't, when it should be "hey, good job!", and no-one shaming anyone.

 

[martyrdom]

It's fucked up that you're made to feel like a failure at only 22/23. For what it's worth, in several countries it's perfectly normal to still live with family and not immediately go to college and get a job and a license and become fully independent so quickly. In fact, that would be ridiculous and almost no one does it in certain regions. I suspect this expectation occurs in highly individualistic communities. Everyone has their own pace and it's inhumane to expect otherwise. I would say it's not too late at all, but I do understand how you feel.

 

[Benjiii]

I understand, comparing yourself to others is awful and we do it automatically. I don't want to compare myself; I know everyone has their own pace, but my idiot brain still does it and it affects me negatively. Like @NutOrat said, it should be a simple "well done" and move on.

 

[L.D.50]

i can relate to you a lot, its all i can think about lately.
i won't bore anyone with the details, but I'm 18 and haven't received an education higher than an 9th grade level. I'm 18, and I'm a freshman completing high school at an alterative school. how much more of a screw up can i be than that?
it destroys me, every time I'm there all i can feel is shame. its embarrassing. no one knows me, or my age, but the fact I'm even here is enough to know that i failed. i know it wasn't necessarily my fault, and i was a product of my environment, but i know that i wont ever be able to succeed in life like my peers. and I'll never have the life that i truly wanted for myself.
i think about why i haven't just dropped out and gotten a GED a lot, it would save me a lot of time at this point honestly. less embarrassing to say you have a GED rather than you were a freshman at 18 and graduated when you were in your 20s. i probably should. but I'm already so close to having enough credits to be considered a sophomore, and i work on assignments everyday online from home when i don't have class, and i attend every class that i can.

it sucks. it really does. i feel like a bit of a masochist for even putting myself through something so embarrassing instead of just taking that damn bus.

for what its worth, i don't think you are a failure at all. there's plenty of decent careers you could chose with a degree you could earn at community college. that's what I'm hoping for, there's nothing wrong with that, at this point its a miracle if you can even live without relying week to week on a paycheck.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm in extremely far behind when I compare myself to my elementary school and high school peers, but since i'm gonna ctb in a year or two, that doesn't bother me in the slightest.

At 38, i have no job, no wife or kids, no friends, still living with my parents.... but I don't care.

 

[annxietty]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

You beat me, I only got my first job at 23 almost 24, until then I couldnt exit my house, im 25 and I only leave my house to go to work. I was a good student, I didnt go to college because I had to move from place to place to not become homeless. Im a virgin, I have no friends, I dont have a license, obviously I dont have a car, only thing in my name is an electric scooter, my arms are full of scars... and I wonder the exact same thing, how do I explain this to an average person? How could I face an old highschool friend if I encounter them? I work part time at a pizza place and I live with my sister because my parents dont have a place to live where I can belong... Im sorry for talking about myself so much in your thread, but I think I just wanted you to know there are more people than you can imagine in the same boat.

Congratulations on getting your license, dont be too hard on yourself, you should be proud of any victory even if its small, but of course this is easier said than done, I do know that.

 

[Irisse]

I feel the same. I'm 25, never had a job, no driving license and not that great at college. I think we've been brainwashed about our worth being tied to our job/career for far too long. Even I am guilty of thinking in that way. I agree with @martyrdom about the pressure to succeed not being that high in certain regions, in fact, a lot of people in my country don't move away from their parents until they are in their 30s!

 

[NutOrat]

How could I face an old highschool friend if I encounter them?

Same, I have that fear all the time. Some time ago a few classmates of mine wanted to meet up for a "reunion", and I completely cut off all communication. I know it was all going to be one massive "dick measuring" contest, who achieved what and who's better in life. Also, I'm 95% sure at least one of the guys must've died from drug overdose, I just don't want to confirm it. I can't meet them, especially not the girl I loved. I even had nightmares of meeting her, of her seeing what an even bigger loser I've become.

 

[Grimlock]

I understand what you mean and I am seeing from the replies in this thread that this feeling is not too uncommon. It is soul crushing, just feeling total embarrassment and a deep sense of inferiority. Still, even though I want to, I just cannot shake the idea that I am not just failing or progressing slowly, but also constantly being surpassed and that I am supposed to be further ahead. It is like spending your whole life trying to catch up. I think these negative feelings and issues are just going to compound as I get older.

 

[dying_kwik2000]

This is kind of why I want to die. I think I'm going to kill myself at the end of the year. Initially, I wanted to perform because it was my dream and I was depressed for a portion of my adolescence, so I felt like if I could do that, or at least become a better dancer, I'd be happy. Now I feel lost and stuck and I'm not where I hoped I'd be. I don't like living with my mother and I the last time I had friends was about 15 or more years ago. I've never been in a relationship. I don't like my family. I hate the town I live in. I wish I could move but I don't think I can. Everyone else in my family around my age has lived alone except me. I'm still in the town I dreaded moving to 10 years ago. I'm trying to get a personal trainer certificate but it's much harder than I'd thought because no-one really wants to help. I'm also trying to learn another skill but if I don't start working soon, I might kill myself because I'm tired of going nowhere. I glad to have been able to work at a theatre seasonally for the past three years but that's pretty much all I have. I literally have no friends outside of my family members and never had a relationship. The loneliness is killing me.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Don't pay too much attention to those people that "have it together" at such a young age. A lot of them think it was a flex that they started working at, say, 12 mowing lawns. Seven year old kids working the coal mine were independent too. The point of life isn't to do everything as young as possible.

 

[Zyntkalla]

I felt that way my whole life. I noticed it when I was like in grade five or six when I really noticed it. It really put a knife through my heart.

The first time when I really noticed it was when I was in a special class for kids that needed extra help. I was oblivious to the class I was in it was more when we had to do math. I remember we had this type of paper that was on the wall where it shows our progress where we put a small round sticker on the paper to show our completion of the lesson. I remember I was the last or second last person. It woke me up and made me realize I was useless. I remember this one kid named Adam and I can remember what he looks like then. He was like twenty stickers ahead of me. And I realize I should be at his level or close to it. I I start to hate myself even more and felt more useless.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I passed by a guy that bullied me when I was 11-12 years old. He didn't bully me a lot, but still... I remember everything he did to me. I saw him driving a $30K car while I have no job no wife no savings.... nothing. You won't believe it, but I wasn't envious at him. I just thought: things are so unfair in this world, and evil people are so much more successful than the good ones, I'm glad I would be ctb soon, I don't want to take part in such a world like this one anyway.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Below is a post I made to a member who was struggling with poor-academic performance. The specifics may not be exactly the same but the gist seems to fit your situation. The one modification I would make is for you to ask yourself whether you want the academic pursuit and the "white-collar" life style because it is truly something you desire, or is it because you are expected by others to take that path? My career as an attorney has given me lots of advantages in life but it has come at a cost. If I did not have a wife and daughter that I love, I would have CTB'd years ago - or just sold everything and moved off-grid, ,and then maybe CTB'd - who knows. All I know is that you have the one thing in life that cannot be bought or sold and becomes more valuable with time - your youth. Age 23? I have suits older than you. Cut yourself a break. Finally, please do not take anything I write as minimizing your situation or feelings - they are true for you and that is all that matters. I am just trying to let you know that feeling hopeless at 23 does not mean the rest of your life will be hopeless.


As a 60 year old who failed numerous times before attaining some success in my chosen career - struggles_inc is absolutely right. Age 20? High school? Don't take this the wrong way but those are rookie numbers. I have seen people go back and get their GED at age 45. Stop comparing yourself to others; your path is your own and - you will have no idea how things are going to work. Steve Jobs once said "you can only connect the dots looking backwards".

My biggest fear in posting my own experience is I do not want to minimize what you are going through. I've been there and I have frequently thought about CTB due to shame and embarrassment related to poor academic performance; but the one thing my age has given me is a crap-load of dots to connect - and you know what? Steve Jobs was right. Everything I considered a set-back in the past actually gave me an important skill that gives me an advantage in my career. Example. My classmates who were academically gifted can not relate to the ordinary person who is working 9-5 and living pay check to pay check. Because of my circumstances, not only can I relate to them, I can speak to them. And guess who sits on juries? Not the academically gifted but the ordinary jane and joe. Now, who is going to have the advantage at a jury trial? I worked construction for a year, drove truck and even bounced at a bar. And each time I went back to working on my academic pursuit.

I think your experience with mental health struggles would give you an advantage working in the medical field. I will take an expert with life experience every time over an expert who breezed through academics with ease. Perhaps, just maybe, this is a "connecting the dots" path you will see in a few years.

Look, I do not know your personal circumstances and you have no reason to give anything I say the slightest bit of credence. But I can say there are plenty of reasons to CTB in life - and I'm not sure academic failure should rank that high.

 

[freezme02]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

I'm also 23. I felt the same way for a long time. Never went to college, don't have my license, and I'm unemployed. I felt horrible, thinking that I was missing out on life, but for some reason I could never bring myself to do anything about it.

But recently, it clicked. I just don't want anything. I've never wanted anything. The only reason I ever thought I did was because other people told my that I should. My entire life has just been one big distraction from the fact that I don't want to be here, and never did.

 

[Stonecoldinjune]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

Can't say I don't relate to this, 28 myself, no car or license, ahdh as hell. I never really excelled at school and kinda been floating around as a creative burn out for most of my life.

I recently lost everything I had in a fire, caused by a cigarette I had failed to put out properly. My ex left me and I had to leave the city I loved to move back to my hometown I hate, and a shitty living situation with my mother and dementia affected grandfather.

But personally I don't feel behind these white collar, $100k making guys. It's the people with loving family's, artistic notoriety, the ones comfortable living in their means. Those are the people I desperately want to catch up with.

I'm surprised I made it this long to begin with, but idk, I hope my age doesn't mean I still don't have a chance to reach my goals. I hope my mistakes don't define what I'm capable of. Otherwise what truly would be the point of continuing?

Sorry you've been in a similar way.

 

[ScaredCutter]

even though im 18, during my times in highschool from 7th-8th grade, i started to attend way way less befause of anxiety and how i hated being behind on work, eventually it increasingly became worse where i couldnt attend classes because of how it felt like i was "late", couldnt walk by a class room of 10+ students, kept looking down and felt so much shame. i couldnt keep up with my peers, i fell behind in my classes and eventually had to swap schools. ive gotten semi better but still behind, i wont be able to get a vce/vcse like my mum wanted me & my siblings to get, i wont get to experience a highschool graduation.

i also cant plan to have a job or even think about where id wanna work out because i cant fully handle being around people i dont even know, or even customers. i wish i started to aim for a drivers license when i was eligible as well.

idk how to handle money, got no card on me to handle money, no bank account, ill never understand percentages with purchases either and other important stuff.

i was diagnosed with autism ~3 years ago and having social anxiety + selective mutism. despite that, ive managed to get an id for proof of age (awesome). still live with my parents and dependent on them.

i really hate how society and others just make u look like a complete slump and useless person because of how uve progressed in life, its so unfair. i hate these pointless expectations and pressures. i hate it when ppl say things are super easy. i hate rich influencers and people who hold power the most.

 

[Baisley]

I know the feeling. I feel like a total outcast and a total loser also. I have royally fucked up my life and now I'm not smart enough to figure out how to cbt. I would like to hang myself but I am too dumb to do it properly. I now feel trapped like I have no clue what to do to die. I don't have any SN and I would love to OD but don't know what would actually work and I have thought about running in front of a semi or something but that isn't easy to do either. I just feel so trapped. I want of this existence.

 

[calebzz1]

I totally understand your frustration, my advice is to simply do the best you can with your resources.

I will be raw and state that since September 18th I have been barely able to see clearly and have intermittent double vision which is like a literal accordion.

I have had to stop the one drop that can clear my blurry vision due to the systemic side effects.

I compare myself to no one because I know that in my particular situation I'm the doing the best I can.

If my condition is permanent, all I can do is live a simple life.

I even had to get a white cane recently since I had to make sure it is known in public.

It's curable but I have had little to no improvement.

I will be getting disability benefits as a young man which is what I'm currently working hard for since being able to work cannot happen in my current state.

I blink and I remember being able to walk miles to my full-time job and shop for groceries afterwards with no issues.

I have all the willpower and motivation but my visual impairment gets in the way of everything if I'm being brutally honest.

I have zero mental health issues.

However, I get a "manic" moment once day thinking of all the books, movies, television shows and videogames I want to engage in but can't.

I turn off my emotions to deal with how much I have lost waiting for this to be improved.

I can still do some activities but I'm killing time waiting for a cure that may never happen.

I want to work, continue to learn how to drive but all of the providers I have seen stated that I can't.

My situation is being an involuntary NEET but I can't enjoy my old hobbies whatsoever except for listening to music and dancing.

 

[katara]

I understand what you mean and I am seeing from the replies in this thread that this feeling is not too uncommon. It is soul crushing, just feeling total embarrassment and a deep sense of inferiority. Still, even though I want to, I just cannot shake the idea that I am not just failing or progressing slowly, but also constantly being surpassed and that I am supposed to be further ahead. It is like spending your whole life trying to catch up. I think these negative feelings and issues are just going to compound as I get older.

Ya they definitely don't go away even if u try distracting urself u just feel worse afterwards bc something is wrong and u know it

 

[lita-lassi]

the human brain isnt even done growing until about 25 and societal pressure around work and money is mostly capitalist nonsense. im 32, been out of work for years, lost almost everything i owned, and am just now getting ready to go to college for real because i know what i actually want and it has nothing to do with a paycheck. anyone thinking they know what they *really* want in their early 20s is likely not quite yet there. im not trying to discount anyones life experience im just saying you change as you get older and it isn't bad at all to have a more solid goal in mind besides just money. comparison is the thief of joy and all that

 

[last.hummingbird]

the human brain isnt even done growing until about 25 and societal pressure around work and money is mostly capitalist nonsense. im 32, been out of work for years, lost almost everything i owned, and am just now getting ready to go to college for real because i know what i actually want and it has nothing to do with a paycheck. anyone thinking they know what they *really* want in their early 20s is likely not quite yet there. im not trying to discount anyones life experience im just saying you change as you get older and it isn't bad at all to have a more solid goal in mind besides just money. comparison is the thief of joy and all that

Responding late here but I'm cheering you on. The amount of pressure we get put on us to have everything together at certain stages of life is ridiculous. I try to carry your attitude though I already graduated.

 

[Black_Knight]

My NEET years were the best years of my life. I wish I could go back.
Part of me feels what you do out of shame and peer pressure, but realistically, if I could be left alone with entertainment, AC, and everything I need to sustain myself, I'd take the hit of having low social status and probably no achievements to be proud of in exchange for not having to engage with any of that ever.
I probably should hate myself for being a fuckup, because it's selfish, I'm a leech, etc., but life felt alright when I was at my peak of fucked upness. On the other hand, the impending doom of committing to a normal way of living is completely intolerable, I feel constant panic that this is going to be my life. It's not that I mind contributing, but the terms and conditions that come along with it are just insane.
All that stuff like a nice job etc looks good on paper but the reality of it is so fucking awful. College is the same way imo (this is probably a controversial take though). They try to entice you with false imagery of self-development and personal enlightenment, but in reality, it's just deadline after deadline and basically a shit test to see if you can do what you're told repeatedly without cracking.