Im so far behind other people and its killing me inside

[miles-away]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

 

[NutOrat]

I feel you. I especially feel awful when I see people younger than me achieving so much more, being well put together, acting more mature, more intelligent, and so on. I know it's all harmful beliefs that older = must do better, but it's so ingrained in me, like it's one of the most extreme cases of shame a person can experience. It becomes like my personal failure that someone younger succeeded at something I didn't, when it should be "hey, good job!", and no-one shaming anyone.

 

[martyrdom]

It's fucked up that you're made to feel like a failure at only 22/23. For what it's worth, in several countries it's perfectly normal to still live with family and not immediately go to college and get a job and a license and become fully independent so quickly. In fact, that would be ridiculous and almost no one does it in certain regions. I suspect this expectation occurs in highly individualistic communities. Everyone has their own pace and it's inhumane to expect otherwise. I would say it's not too late at all, but I do understand how you feel.

 

[Benjiii]

I understand, comparing yourself to others is awful and we do it automatically. I don't want to compare myself; I know everyone has their own pace, but my idiot brain still does it and it affects me negatively. Like @NutOrat said, it should be a simple "well done" and move on.

 

[L.D.50]

i can relate to you a lot, its all i can think about lately.
i won't bore anyone with the details, but I'm 18 and haven't received an education higher than an 9th grade level. I'm 18, and I'm a freshman completing high school at an alterative school. how much more of a screw up can i be than that?
it destroys me, every time I'm there all i can feel is shame. its embarrassing. no one knows me, or my age, but the fact I'm even here is enough to know that i failed. i know it wasn't necessarily my fault, and i was a product of my environment, but i know that i wont ever be able to succeed in life like my peers. and I'll never have the life that i truly wanted for myself.
i think about why i haven't just dropped out and gotten a GED a lot, it would save me a lot of time at this point honestly. less embarrassing to say you have a GED rather than you were a freshman at 18 and graduated when you were in your 20s. i probably should. but I'm already so close to having enough credits to be considered a sophomore, and i work on assignments everyday online from home when i don't have class, and i attend every class that i can.

it sucks. it really does. i feel like a bit of a masochist for even putting myself through something so embarrassing instead of just taking that damn bus.

for what its worth, i don't think you are a failure at all. there's plenty of decent careers you could chose with a degree you could earn at community college. that's what I'm hoping for, there's nothing wrong with that, at this point its a miracle if you can even live without relying week to week on a paycheck.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm in extremely far behind when I compare myself to my elementary school and high school peers, but since i'm gonna ctb in a year or two, that doesn't bother me in the slightest.

At 38, i have no job, no wife or kids, no friends, still living with my parents.... but I don't care.