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viljalauss

viljalauss

he/they 21
Aug 22, 2023
167
ok granted i feel a bit better right now after some codeine (combination tablets w/ibuprofen. genuinely need it right now for pain reasons, though it might be nice to know whether that helps with sn in the absence of benzos?) and a nice meal. but i meant to write this earlier and had it clear in my head, and i feel the same way after each exam i do (i am in the midst of them).

i am done. tired might be the wrong word, as it implies you can recuperate, and that you are open to doing so. when i say i'm done, i mean i feel a mental block. not just that the present feels too much to bear for now but also that i cannot take more of it at any point in the future. that i am done. that i cannot take, and do not want, another exam. i do not want another period. i do not want another visit to my family, or rather another set of weeks living with them. i do not want another seizure. i do not want to face the full brunt of dysphoria again (i'm on easy mode right now). i do not want another family event where i have to go to the bathroom to cry every few minutes because i feel so uncomfortable in my body when i can't bind. you might think those emotional behaviours were of a past, possibly teenage me when hormones were really at it but no. last year or two. i'm never 'growing out' of it. i'm done. i'm so done. i say this on the cusp of every future, horror or surprising calm, but i cannot take it. i do not want this world that twists me into so much discomfort and so many resultant behaviours that i end up hating myself for.

another thing i didn't think about but have now - these things are not signs of dissatisfaction. it feels like such a familiar remark where someone, if they hear you are suicidal, will insinuate that you are dissatisfied with your life and want more out of it. remarks can range on the kindness scale from suggesting that you add things to your life - things i would do if i had the bandwidth and was comfortable enough in my body to do them! - to calling you ungrateful for what [they themselves, or life, or God] has given you. that is not it.

i really, truly want to go after the day after these exams are done. it is weird how hard i have tried in revising for them (all last-minute because i could not work consistently during vacations. i wonder why) when if all goes to plan they quite literally will not matter. and not a single one has gone well. i have some ideas for reasons behind why i even try: 1) i don't really have anything better to do in these last few days, especially when most around me are doing exams too :') and my nerves would skyrocket if i knew absolutely nothing on the page. also sometimes my subjects are fun (just not right now particularly..) 2) i forgot. smth like having something to show to say i at least tried? not that i want to be there to see the results 3) - and this may be most pertinent - i think i have promised myself that once i am done with this, i can be done with everything. that i'll have put my head through the wringer (genuinely there has only been i think 2 exams i didn't breakdown-cry after, and that was likely just because i was so desensitised), and then i can achieve the surest type of rest, away from the world. i'm sure the world has many and wonderful things to offer and i've seen them from a distance but i don't want to see them for myself because the price of that is to keep living is to return and return to, whatever time of goodness lies between, the same mental anguish, the same deep discomfort, the same odious and pathetic self as before and after.

lowkey the reason i specifically want to go the day after exams is because there's a celebration dinner (with college/subject tutors. hopefully this information isn't incriminating!) a few days after that, which i would have to go to if alive, but i literally do not deserve to celebrate this catastrophe i've made of the one chance to prove that 'd achieved something, and even if i somehow did it would not feel right being there. and if i were alive on that day i would have to go to my parents' straight after for at least a week and.. yea. see above.

only thing i'm not done with is my music. it seems i will never be. but i have to throw something under the bus to be able to catch it in time, and i hope more than anything i can take the opportunity and muster the strength to catch the bus this time
 
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