Im scared that the people i care about will leave me again

[Theforeverblind]

So I normally only lurk but I've been really struggling with my horrible fear of abandonment from my past I normally repress it as much as I can since my last friend group who I almost ctb after the kicked me out last year and before they kicked me out I was having brake downs at school thinking they all hated me and then they would come and comfort me trlling me they didnt hate me and everything was okay but apparently it wasnt and on top of that my parents are fucking horrible being the reason my mental health declining getting me sent to the psyc ward after i broke my 2 years free of self harm and mow the only reason I pretend to function is the psyc ward only made things worse I was there for 2 months I got assaulted by another patient and the only thing I learned was I can't trust the mental health system I've lost trust from everyone that says they care about me the only 2 people I care about are my best friend zinc who lives in Japan so I rarely get to talk to them and my partner asher who I believe I don't deserve them I have no idea why they even care about me and I constantly worry they hate me even when they comfort me I don't know how I can ever belive someone again I hate everyone I go to school with I'm sick of letting people in just to get hurt I'd rather people just call me a slur and beat the shit out of me than pretend they care I don't know what I'd do if either of them left me I'm scared I just want to be happy

 

[cardboard_house]

That's really awful :(( I can't really say that there's an all encompassing solution bcs there's not but maybe some things might help? I get that same feeling that I'm not wanted and it's a really scary, awful feeling and there's really not much you can do about it except for trust them. It usually helps me if I hang out with smaller groups of people, groups over 4 or 5 always make me feel unwanted, but if it's just a few people usually it feels more inclusive.

I'm really not sure what else to say but I just want you to know that you're not alone in that feeling and even if things don't work out as planned there are still people that understand you here :]