I'm scared pt 4

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

So I finally Showered today.
Think I was in there for close to an hour.
After I did a little skincare and lotioned up.
Pick my scent for the day and my final days to come.
Finally took out the trash.
Ordered some food and watched a movie.
Did some research on my method.
Ordered some packing materials so I can pack up some things to help my mom a little when getting my stuff.
I was cleaning up my phone and heard a message from my old manager.
It was left Friday night.
I wonder why would they bother calling when they know Damn Well I was terminated due to pointing out. My manager might remember me speaking on my mental health so I wonder if he was a bit worried.
But guess we'll never know because I got the message today and I don't care I'm definitely going through with my plan.
I was nervous though because I saw a ambulance pull up and I thought someone called on me.
I usually don't speak to anyone for days so I would be mad if someone popped up.
Last time I actually spoke to someone was days ago.
I fell asleep later in the evening but now I'm up.
All types of stuff going through my mind but just constantly telling myself it's gonna work and this life will be over soon.
This is my opportunity.
Then I thought even though I have tons of resentment towards my mom and I blame her for everything.
The last time I saw her is when I asked her to bring me some benadryl.
My lips were swollen and I had hives everywhere. She came to the door and handed me the meds.
She couldn't stay but she caressed my face and said my poor baby.
That's going to be her last memory of me alive.
My sister came to visit me shortly after that.
She had no idea what I was struggling with but during her visit is when I realized how bad she has gotten and how stunted she is in her mind.
She's 35 I think but still trapped at 16.
Nonetheless I hope maybe something I said stuck.
I remember her saying she thought I was jealous of her and my mom's relationship. And I was but not to a point of hate.
I just hurted.
But I told her I was also happy for her because I thought she got the mother I always wanted.
I don't think she really knew how it felt to watch that for my entire life.
She also sees that she's getting parts of the mom I had and it's a struggle for her.
But before she left I hugged her so tight and said I'm so sorry I couldn't be the sister you wanted and needed.
At first she was just limp but she began a little to hug me back.
Little did we both know that's the last time she'd see me alive.
So our relationships maybe strained.
But I hope I don't have to see them before my day because it gives me a little comfort that if they think of me that will hopefully be their memory of me.
Later this evening I texted my niece how much I love her and how proud I am of her but no response.
Well guess I'll try to sleep.
Until tomorrow
I have 4 more days

 

[mehdone]

Can I ask what your plans are for the last 4 days?

I've only set a proper date once. Other attempts have been more spontaneous.

I do hope you properly live for those last 4 days.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

Can I ask what your plans are for the last 4 days?

I've only set a proper date once. Other attempts have been more spontaneous.

I do hope you properly live for those last 4 days.

Nothing really.
I haven't left this apartment since the day I realized I would lose my job.
So unfortunately it's just been eating, sleeping, crying, planning and writing here.

 

[IHurtTheOneILove]

Nothing really.
I haven't left this apartment since the day I realized I would lose my job.
So unfortunately it's just been eating, sleeping, crying, planning and writing here.

Do you mind me asking what your method is? I wanna do SN as it's so hyped up on here lol but idk how realistic that is to obtain as I'm in the US.

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

Why are you choosing to CTB? And why in four days specifically?

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

Do you mind me asking what your method is? I wanna do SN as it's so hyped up on here lol but idk how realistic that is to obtain as I'm in the US.

My method is antifreeze poisoning.
It's easy to obtain and has a high chance of working as long as I don't have medical treatment

Why are you choosing to CTB? And why in four days specifically?

I've always been suicidal.
But these last few years I've struggled to enjoy anything.
I hate feeling forced to survive.
I lost my job and that was the final straw.
My method is being delivered by Amazon because I was to lazy to go get it so hence the 4 days.
It seems to be perfect timing because it will be before Christmas and hopefully I'll be dead by the time they realize.

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

My method is antifreeze poisoning.
It's easy to obtain and has a high chance of working as long as I don't have medical treatment

I've always been suicidal.
But these last few years I've struggled to enjoy anything.
I hate feeling forced to survive.
I lost my job and that was the final straw.
My method is being delivered by Amazon because I was to lazy to go get it so hence the 4 days.
It seems to be perfect timing because it will be before Christmas and hopefully I'll be dead by the time they realize.

What was your job? Is it easily replaceable?

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

What was your job? Is it easily replaceable?

Yes
My job is super easy....a monkey could do it.
I was a attendant at a casino.
I fixed minor game issues to keep the game running and paid jackpots.
The job was fun but over time the coworkers are super lazy.
Toxic gossip and disrespectful.
Get upset if you defend yourself against the disrespect.
Guest were getting out of hand and they don't defend or protect you.
Took away small benefits.
Micromanage.
And I couldn't take it anymore.
I really believe my medical condition of breaking out in hives was due to the environment of my job.
So I hate that I was fired but it feels like it happened this way for a reason and for me to stop prolonging my suicide plan.

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

Yes
My job is super easy....a monkey could do it.
I was a attendant at a casino.
I fixed minor game issues to keep the game running and paid jackpots.
The job was fun but over time the coworkers are super lazy.
Toxic gossip and disrespectful.
Get upset if you defend yourself against the disrespect.
Guest were getting out of hand and they don't defend or protect you.
Took away small benefits.
Micromanage.
And I couldn't take it anymore.
I really believe my medical condition of breaking out in hives was due to the environment of my job.
So I hate that I was fired but it feels like it happened this way for a reason and for me to stop prolonging my suicide plan.

I don't know where you live, but chances are there's other casinos you could apply to. If they ask why you left your old job, tell them you were dissatisfied with management. You aren't legally obligated to tell them you were tired. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think suicide needs to be earned by exhausting all other options. I really think you need to look into a different opportunity before you end your own life. Maybe they did you a favor by firing you and you'll find a much better place to work.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

I don't know where you live, but chances are there's other casinos you could apply to. If they ask why you left your old job, tell them you were dissatisfied with management. You aren't legally obligated to tell them you were tired. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think suicide needs to be earned by exhausting all other options. I really think you need to look into a different opportunity before you end your own life. Maybe they did you a favor by firing you and you'll find a much better place to work.

I'm 42 years old.
I had a neglectful mother.
Divorced.
An abusive ex
A love bomb ex
I have no education
I'm dead broke with tons of debt
Every friend I ever tried to make has betrayed me
I have no intrest in love or relationships because I'm terrified of men
I'm tired.
I don't want another job to clock in...cope..clock out and go home to cook clean and wake up to do it all again.
I've tried long enough I've earned this right to die.
So thanks but no thanks
Also there are 3 casinos but they are all affiliated...meaning if you got fired or left you go to the other one so they are all the same

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

I'm 42 years old.
I had a neglectful mother.
Divorced.
An abusive ex
A love bomb ex
I have no education
I'm dead broke with tons of debt
Every friend I ever tried to make has betrayed me
I have no intrest in love or relationships because I'm terrified of men
I'm tired.
I don't want another job to clock in...cope..clock out and go home to cook clean and wake up to do it all again.
I've tried long enough I've earned this right to die.
So thanks but no thanks
Also there are 3 casinos but they are all affiliated...meaning if you got fired or left you go to the other one so they are all the same

Your decisions are your own. At 42, I can believe you've exhausted your options. I hate to see people die, but if this is the only way as you claim, then I hope you find peace.

 

[mehdone]

Nothing really.
I haven't left this apartment since the day I realized I would lose my job.
So unfortunately it's just been eating, sleeping, crying, planning and writing here.

I get it. I do.

But if you've got four days, I do hope you spend at least one of them living and experiencing things for you.

But I also understand that when one struggles to even get out of bed, planning a good day isn't an option.

Still, I hope you have one.

I also feel it's important to note that antifreeze is not a pleasant method- but I'm assuming you've done your research and know what you're in for.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

I don't know where you live, but chances are there's other casinos you could apply to. If they ask why you left your old job, tell them you were dissatisfied with management. You aren't legally obligated to tell them you were tired. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think suicide needs to be earned by exhausting all other options. I really think you need to look into a different opportunity before you end your own life. Maybe they did you a favor by firing you and you'll find a much better place to work.

I'm 42 years old.
I had a neglectful mother.
Divorced.
An abusive ex
A love bomb ex
I have no education
I'm dead broke with tons of debt
Every friend I ever tried to make has betrayed me
I have no intrest in love or relationships because I'm terrified of men
I'm tired.
I don't want another job to clock in...cope..clock out and go home to cook clean and wake up to do it all again.
I've tried long enough I've earned this right to die.
So thanks but no thanks
Also there are 3 casinos but they are all affiliated...meaning if you got fired or left you go to the other one so they are all the sa

I get it. I do.

But if you've got four days, I do hope you spend at least one of them living and experiencing things for you.

But I also understand that when one struggles to even get out of bed, planning a good day isn't an option.

Still, I hope you have one.

I also feel it's important to note that antifreeze is not a pleasant method- but I'm assuming you've done your research and know what you're in for.

I have and I'm willing to risk it since it's my only option.
Thanks

 

[doomedtolive]

i hope you'll be ok, in whatever happens after death. i don't know you but you seem very kind, good luck in whatever you do

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

i hope you'll be ok, in whatever happens after death. i don't know you but you seem very kind, good luck in whatever you do

Thankyou

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, I understand why you'd feel so tired. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, I understand why you'd feel so tired. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

Thankyou