Venting i’m scared i won’t go through with it

[huntermellow]

after im able to buy everything i need and do tests and write my letter and my will and pack my leaving gifts and schedule my emails, im afraid once the time comes i won't be able to go through with it. like once i feel myself fading my SI will kick in and i'll frantically try and save myself or call for help because i know i'm dying and this is the end. i think i know what would happen if i survive. i'll probably be locked away in a psych ward for idk how long and taken out of uni with no friends and nothing to keep me afloat. which is a fate worse than death. but there's just always a thought in the back of my mind that's like… maybe one day i CAN find true happiness and maybe there is hope for me if i just wait but… i'm so tired of waiting for something good to happen to me and every time something good did happen it always got taken away from me. so it's better to die right? i've been suicidal for so many years but after everything that's happened to me this year and last year i realise i can't live with myself anymore and the same bad things will keep happening to me until i'm finally brave enough to end it. because no amount of medication or therapy or being stuck in a psych ward will ever change who i am or my situation or get rid of the bad memories or change the fact that nothing ever goes right for me.

 

[greyblue_bian]

Yeah, I'm genuinely terrified of this too. I've had the same hopeful thoughts and the same loop of good things happening to me and then almost immediately being ruined or taken away from me. It's understandable to feel scared to stay and scared to go; It's that very little hope that you have. Just like every decent person does, you DESERVE healthy love and care. You deserve to be happy with yourself. You deserve to not just survive in life, but to really live a good life. You just have to want it and that's all it takes to start coming back from what's happened to you. You didn't ask or want for anything that happened to you to happen, so you didn't deserve it. I hope before you do anything that you realize that your want for a fair and good, healthy life isn't irrational or out of reach.