Discussion Im probably mentally ill because of where I am from

[PrincessPure]

I don't even know where to begin with this. And what i would like is a plethora of responses. Whether it's a way to fix it, a suggestion, scolding me for being weak, or just chatting and starting a conversation.

I was born and raised in Iran. I left Iran around 23. When I was a kid I thought that would fix everything. I was looking forward to it and dreaming about it everyday. Of course I was wrong.

Let's begin with how I hated following that ugly dress code everyday. I was never religious to begin with and occasionally it would lead to humiliation in school from a teacher or someone else. I hated the government and when I was 8 years ish for saying "death to supreme leader" in a game with my friend, I was threatened that I will be expelled from the school permanently. I had to beg the principal for her to loosen up and forgive me.

My parents weren't religious people, so they played a part in how hateful I grew toward Islam. They hated that religion with a passion too. But they were fairly conservative. And the way my mom raised me, I thought the idea of ever liking a boy as a teenager was disgusting and would make me one of her "dirt poor" students (she was a teacher in a poor area).
When I was 18 I started liking this boy on a kpop forum. Of course it was impossible to work out back then (he was European) so I just fell deeper into depression. Around 15-16 I started regressing so much academically. Specially in primary school I was an excellent student. The type who teachers happen to tell parents what a gem they are raising. However in high school I started losing so much passion because Iran's brutal entrance exam for medicine scared me. It's something which has kids studying over 12 hours for, with a crazy level of difficulty. Plus it was also known for being unfair, where children of government officials and others were already given a seat in top universities. I saw no point in trying and I didn't want to ruin my life by studying 12 hours a day. But I did ruin my life in another way. Bed-rotting over 12 hours a day. I stopped going to school for my last year. Exactly on my 18th birthday was my last day in school. And I failed my last high school year and had to repeat it.
That high school was an elite and private one. I received some humiliation from the teachers for not being one of the best, sharpest and studious students but a failing one.
Finally around 19 I managed to barely get that high school diploma. I applied for the college entrance exam and took the test for "English translation" studies. English was something I was always better at, compared to other things. Mostly because I studied it as a very young child since 7. So I got into university that year.
My years in university were particularly hard because I felt like I was so different in terms of mentality compared to most kids my age. My hatred towards Islam made it impossibly hard for me. After a year and a half COVID also hit. Fast forward 4 years, I graduated and was close to leaving Iran.

I suddenly decided that I want to study medicine, because having lived in Iran I felt like I was inferior to my classmates in high school who did get into medicine. After all Iranians put doctors on so much of a pedestal. I don't even know if I truly liked it. I just felt like I had to do it to stop feeling inferior. And the trauma from that high school was that deep into my head. The next year, at 23, I got into medicine abroad with a very great score. Im starting my 5th out of 6 years soon.

I haven't had much of an experience with guys. I started questioning what the reason could be, scared if I am asexual. However that couldn't be the case because of my occasional feelings and crushes. I just grew up extremely repressed again thanks to that dirty culture. I feel like being a virgin at this age was a flaw, so I tried having sex but I had issues and wasn't able to do it. Not sure if it is allowed to go deeper into that here. But I feel abnormal compared to girls my age who already have their partners, meanwhile not even going on dates excite me. I do have feelings toward the guy I said I met online at 18, but even have mixed feelings towards him because of how picky my parents are. I keep thinking if I become a doctor I will be too much for him who didn't even go to university.

I miss Iran every single day despite all this trauma. It is one thing to leave, and it it other to not even be able to go back as you wish.

I did use to go back quite often during my 4 years abroad. Last time I went back was in January and I saw the blaspheming massacre in front of my own eyes. My parents didn't let me go back ever since then because they are afraid I will lose my opportunity here. My heart hurts when I think of Iran. I have been facing financial problems here as any other Iranian. My parents do help and could help more, but I don't want them selling the freaking gold they have to help me out. That is supposed to be part of their savings.
My heart hurts for the people of Iran. From the social media posts I read everyday they seem to be living in a difficult repressed situation. Financially and also when it comes to freedom of expression. Any opposing person could easily face execution. Sanctions are worsening the economic situation. My sister who is a young woman is suffering. Her beauty and brain going to waste. I hate how my parents are aging and I can't spend as much time as possible with them. I hate having to live in a dorm room with another girl at 27 because I can't afford my own room. I hate all this.

And despite all the trauma I miss Iran to death. I wish in another life I would be born somewhere else.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Hello ^^

Wanted to say that there is no need for feeling like you missed something if you are still a virgin - it is not a must and depending on how it goes it can result in lifelong trauma, so Id recommend only trying when you really want to do it (not when you feel forced to do it by society's way of talking about it) and with someone you can trust.
I lack knowledge about Iran and Islam but you seem really conflicted about it (especially Iran), which is normal considering that despite everything it is still the place you grew up in and where your family lives. It must be difficult to be cut off from them like that though ...

 

[PrincessPure]

Hello ^^

Wanted to say that there is no need for feeling like you missed something if you are still a virgin - it is not a must and depending on how it goes it can result in lifelong trauma, so Id recommend only trying when you really want to do it (not when you feel forced to do it by society's way of talking about it) and with someone you can trust.
I lack knowledge about Iran and Islam but you seem really conflicted about it (especially Iran), which is normal considering that despite everything it is still the place you grew up in and where your family lives. It must be difficult to be cut off from them like that though ...

I didn't cut contact with my family. I love them to death. They did have their own issues and weren't flawless while raising me but I strongly believe no parent is ever perfect and it is their first time to live as well. My mom didn't have sex until her marriage so she probably thinks teaching me this way is the best for me. The hatred relationship I have with that virginity comes more because of the way it is glorified and a must for marriage in purity culture of Islam. I try to be as rebellious as I can. I eat pork, drink alcohol occasionally with friends and I even refuse talking to Muslims after everything that happened in Iran in January.

I am more so scared about my disinterest in actively looking for a partner as I am reaching the age of 30 in a few years. What if I can't have kids on time???? It's a feeling that having kids is a must to protect my image the same way I had to become a doctor to stop feeling inferior. I am not asexual because I surely have feelings, but I'm not very interested and sexual either. The feeling is much less than it should be as I feel. Like maybe 5-6 times a month.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Seems like I worded that wrong, I meant the fact that you can't visit them, not having no contact at all
You seem like you are heavily influenced and restricted to acting / living in a way that society deems 'correct' or 'ideal'. What about what you'd like (/enjoy) for your life? Have you ever spend time with kids, do you enjoy doing so?

 

[PrincessPure]

Seems like I worded that wrong, I meant the fact that you can't visit them, not having no contact at all
You seem like you are heavily influenced and restricted to acting / living in a way that society deems 'correct' or 'ideal'. What about what you'd like (/enjoy) for your life? Have you ever spend time with kids, do you enjoy doing so?

I don't like little kids but they will grow up someday. I think it may be depressing turning 90 someday and having no one to visit me. But sure, thinking about living the "right way" did kind of make my life harder, and it is an influence I got from growing up there.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Is it okay to ask if there are any activities / hobbies you have that you enjoy doing?

 

[PrincessPure]

Is it okay to ask if there are any activities / hobbies you have that you enjoy doing?

I honestly have no idea. I do go to the gym and listen to audio books but for the most part I bed rot if I don't have to study. This was a summer full of bedrotting so far unfortunately.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Maybe it might help you to try some things out, see if it helps? Personally, I like reading and gaming because it helps me forget everything for a while (the exact term in psychology for it is flow state).

 

[PrincessPure]

Honestly I don't think I could sum up all the damage I received from living in there in a thread, ever. Usually past midnight, thoughts rush and new memories pop up. I remember how for the first time at 13 I was caught on the street while on a walk with my mom for the way I was "dressed". They were forcing me to go in their creepy van and sign a commitment letter that I won't do this again. Fortunately my mom talked them freaks out of it.
I did get into trouble with the police countless times after that. Most of the time when I was alone. Because it is always easier to harass a kid who is not with her parents when it comes to these extremist religious people.

I have memories of being constantly catcalled on the streets, multiple times a day. It was probably more common because I also went out alone a lot. When I came to Europe I was shocked how uncommon it is to be catcalled on the street. I have had experiences with sexual harassment. Fortunately those didn't turn too big in my head. Or maybe they did in my unconscious and that's why I'm disinterested in sex.
I'm not saying such harassment doesn't happen anywhere else but as someone who has lived in both places I'm sure the way Islamic societies view women and girls has made it much more acceptable for them to do it, and it is way more common.

At 17 I wanted to sign up to a library and the manager there treated me so bad for the way I was dressed saying I cannot sign up that I went out on the street to cry. I seriously can't digest it to this day how can a man my father's age have treated me like that.

Recently and after the massacre in January happened, I used to vent a lot of Redd*t. And somehow realised that the Iranian sub was actually filled with people from other countries like Pakistan, Iraq, Malaysia…. And they banned me for opposing the government on there. It is haunting me to this day how even on a sub of my own country, I am treated like a second class citizen. Of course the Iranian government has always been recruiting forces from these foreign countries to kill its own protestors and people. On 8th of January I was out and saw many people lose their lives in front of me. Barely anyone believes the level of tragedy that I saw. And many of those armed forces as I saw, didn't even speak Farsi.

After January I came back to Europe in my most damaged and traumatised state. Constantly crying in middle of my study session (it was the exam period) while I had to lock in and pass my exams to maintain my scholarship. I couldn't even afford a therapist. So far I don't even know how I have continued to live like this. I don't think it will be long before I genuinely decide to take my own life for one little bit of relief.