lwlaiet8887
Embodiment of failure/Doom poster/Compassionate
- Sep 14, 2023
- 287
Every day I wake up more and more disappointed with life and myself , It's a struggle to get out of bed, brush my teeth, go to the toilet, eat etc. I just want to be gone but even CTB is too much effort for what it's worth and my last attempt failed due to oversights. My spirit is completely spent from all of the suffering I've endured to the extent that I hate seeing happy people or thinking about doing anything, it's all just too exhausting and disheartening. I really wish I had a gun so I could just go wander for days and when I've had enough blow my brains out somewhere secluded and put an end to this futility. I feel like a zombie I'm truly dead inside. I hate prolifers with a passion as they just don't understand the extent some of us suffer. If I'm unable to CTB soon I will end up in a state of psychosis I'm sure of it. I want to die it's just too much effort and I want to go out in peace, my previous attempt was almost perfect it's a shame that it went wrong. I have access to SN but the source is not certain, I'm being monitored, and I have to acquire all of the other crap to do so. I hate this world for putting me through all of this shit and my family especially my mother is going to have to deal with the fallout of my death all because I'm unlucky. I don't think it's worth staying alive if you're truly unhappy like I am. I genuinely have tried everything over the past 5 years and have always been very depressed with existence. I can't even be bothered to find the strength to CBT again but I must for myself. If I'm caught I will probably be institutionalised which will be an experience in itself.
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