shiba
Student
- Aug 6, 2025
- 97
I'm near certain I've made up my mind, but ultimately I can make my true decision when it's time to go. Now that I've decided on this, it feels like in a way I'm partially dead, and now the things that tied me to this earth are being unraveled right in front of me. I still go to school but I don't know why. It's like all of the things that filled up my daily life like school or basic responsibilities aren't real anymore, so I'm left with nothing but abstract thoughts that aren't grounded in reality at all. Come to think of it I've always been this way. The things I expected out of love and connection must have been based in delusion; This caused me to live a painful life yearning for a connection and an experience that was never real or possible. I was never a normal person.
I don't know if what I'm experiencing is "derealization" or not. I've heard people can experience it in other ways, but for me the acceptance of death has shattered my already disconnected sense of reality. I'm realizing that I can do basically anything I want now, but I don't want to do anything in particular. I sometimes find myself thinking of things that really don't matter anymore. I still think of my grades, and I'm going to try and keep them up until the end. For some reason it might bother me if I screwed myself up by getting bad grades or something and then killed myself. Maybe it's because thinking about my grades is one of the few things left that makes sense to me. The ability to live a normal life with responsibilities is leaving me, but I don't know what I'd rather do before death other than weakly maintaining my sense of structure and normalcy. I like going on walks so I'm going to do that a lot. I still plan on writing notes and ensuring my money is transferred to my family, but I don't know why it matters. It's even getting difficult for me to prepare my method even though it's pretty accessible (carbon monoxide).
I've gotten pretty lucky because at 19 the only family I've lost is my pet cat who I lost years ago. I'm lucky to still have all of my grandparents, and I really wish I had it in me to at least outlive them so they wouldn't have to go through this. It feels wrong to die before anyone else, and for me to leave behind my family who will probably be devastated by this. Since I've never lost someone in my family, I can't fully imagine the grief and shock. It hurts me to think of what my family will be like after my death. I wish I could just tell them to move on, but that's pointless. If I knew of things to make my death easier on them I would certainly do it, but the best I know is to write to them. At the very least I'd want to give them better memories of me before dying, but I've been depressed and avoidant for a while, so I pushed them away. This is my only regret.
My life was kind of miserable, but I only ever cry when I think of dying. To me it isn't sad though, I think I'm crying of relief. It makes me so glad that I can set myself free from this, and that's the only reason I can actually bring myself to cry. I'm trying to close any loose ends I have left and prepare everything, but there's only so much I can bring myself to do anymore. It's hard for me to handle school considering my circumstances, but it's harder to let go of it for now. Gradually I've been losing the will to handle that stuff, so I'm guessing by the time I let go of school I'll have everything ready to go.
Thanks for reading this far, and also, for someone reading this it might seem like I'm experiencing a crisis or not thinking clearly, but I am taking this decision seriously. Like I mentioned before I've felt disconnected from reality for my whole life, and this decision has just removed the weak ties that held me down. I'll leave myself with the chance to change my mind until the end, but I do feel like I'm past that point by now.
I don't know if what I'm experiencing is "derealization" or not. I've heard people can experience it in other ways, but for me the acceptance of death has shattered my already disconnected sense of reality. I'm realizing that I can do basically anything I want now, but I don't want to do anything in particular. I sometimes find myself thinking of things that really don't matter anymore. I still think of my grades, and I'm going to try and keep them up until the end. For some reason it might bother me if I screwed myself up by getting bad grades or something and then killed myself. Maybe it's because thinking about my grades is one of the few things left that makes sense to me. The ability to live a normal life with responsibilities is leaving me, but I don't know what I'd rather do before death other than weakly maintaining my sense of structure and normalcy. I like going on walks so I'm going to do that a lot. I still plan on writing notes and ensuring my money is transferred to my family, but I don't know why it matters. It's even getting difficult for me to prepare my method even though it's pretty accessible (carbon monoxide).
I've gotten pretty lucky because at 19 the only family I've lost is my pet cat who I lost years ago. I'm lucky to still have all of my grandparents, and I really wish I had it in me to at least outlive them so they wouldn't have to go through this. It feels wrong to die before anyone else, and for me to leave behind my family who will probably be devastated by this. Since I've never lost someone in my family, I can't fully imagine the grief and shock. It hurts me to think of what my family will be like after my death. I wish I could just tell them to move on, but that's pointless. If I knew of things to make my death easier on them I would certainly do it, but the best I know is to write to them. At the very least I'd want to give them better memories of me before dying, but I've been depressed and avoidant for a while, so I pushed them away. This is my only regret.
My life was kind of miserable, but I only ever cry when I think of dying. To me it isn't sad though, I think I'm crying of relief. It makes me so glad that I can set myself free from this, and that's the only reason I can actually bring myself to cry. I'm trying to close any loose ends I have left and prepare everything, but there's only so much I can bring myself to do anymore. It's hard for me to handle school considering my circumstances, but it's harder to let go of it for now. Gradually I've been losing the will to handle that stuff, so I'm guessing by the time I let go of school I'll have everything ready to go.
Thanks for reading this far, and also, for someone reading this it might seem like I'm experiencing a crisis or not thinking clearly, but I am taking this decision seriously. Like I mentioned before I've felt disconnected from reality for my whole life, and this decision has just removed the weak ties that held me down. I'll leave myself with the chance to change my mind until the end, but I do feel like I'm past that point by now.
