100memoryleaks
forever sorry
- Jul 6, 2026
- 173
i'm scared of trying to ctb and surviving again
my mom went looking in my room and closet again as she does once in a while, she asked about the rope, i said because i want to start rock climbing again (i did it as a hobby 4 years ago)
no drugs are helping me to cope anymore, dxm was sweet until i realized i was awake for more than 24 hours straight and i was tired as shit the entire day, vyvanse was great until my chest started hurting the whole evening and the rebound anxiety kicked in, alcohol barely helps, i don't have a way to get more oxys since the prescription wasn't refillable
all i'm doing is waiting for the sn to arrive and trying to figure out how to get metoclopramide and benzos
i still check multiple times a day to see if there's a new message from him. still nothing. i know there won't be one. if he couldn't move past my betrayal for a year, why would he suddenly overcome it now? does he ever think about me? does he see my messages or just refuse to open the chat anymore?
hell, what makes me think he wouldn't be disgusted by what i've become? my thoughts these days are less about him specifically and more about my own deteriorating mental and physical state. i was doing so well while he was around and now everything has fallen apart. my discipline, my looks, my creativity, my motivation... it's gone now and i'm just rotting away.
what would he feel if he knew how bad my current state is? surely he would just think he dodged a bullet and he's glad i'm not his problem anymore. he must be happier now. if he still wanted me he would have stayed. or he would have changed his mind earlier. i'm no one's girl anymore.
I may or may not try fsh again tonight, depends on how tired I am and if I'm still feeling like shit. last week was when I changed my mind because I got high, today I can say I've tried pretty much everything
my mom went looking in my room and closet again as she does once in a while, she asked about the rope, i said because i want to start rock climbing again (i did it as a hobby 4 years ago)
no drugs are helping me to cope anymore, dxm was sweet until i realized i was awake for more than 24 hours straight and i was tired as shit the entire day, vyvanse was great until my chest started hurting the whole evening and the rebound anxiety kicked in, alcohol barely helps, i don't have a way to get more oxys since the prescription wasn't refillable
all i'm doing is waiting for the sn to arrive and trying to figure out how to get metoclopramide and benzos
i still check multiple times a day to see if there's a new message from him. still nothing. i know there won't be one. if he couldn't move past my betrayal for a year, why would he suddenly overcome it now? does he ever think about me? does he see my messages or just refuse to open the chat anymore?
hell, what makes me think he wouldn't be disgusted by what i've become? my thoughts these days are less about him specifically and more about my own deteriorating mental and physical state. i was doing so well while he was around and now everything has fallen apart. my discipline, my looks, my creativity, my motivation... it's gone now and i'm just rotting away.
what would he feel if he knew how bad my current state is? surely he would just think he dodged a bullet and he's glad i'm not his problem anymore. he must be happier now. if he still wanted me he would have stayed. or he would have changed his mind earlier. i'm no one's girl anymore.
I may or may not try fsh again tonight, depends on how tired I am and if I'm still feeling like shit. last week was when I changed my mind because I got high, today I can say I've tried pretty much everything
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