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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 470
i feel like my head's gonna blow up or something. everything is hitting at once. loneliness, my job, my family, practically becoming a part-time caretaker for a horrible woman when i hardly had the energy to care for myself, horrible people, my own personal issues, the constant physical discomfort and pain, the violent intrusive thoughts, losing more and more sleep, the anxiety/panic attacks that hit multiple times a day, the anhedonia. this isn't living at all and there's no way out of it, it needs to end. i go to people for help but they're useless because there's no helping my situation. searching for something as simple as comfort is pretty pointless because no one actually cares. i'm better off dead; i'm not providing anything and i just cause problems. i don't even think my death would make anyone's life much better, though. i don't matter that much, no one will feel particularly happy or sad. just indifference all around, but at least they won't have to see my pathetic moping.
i'm so tired of thinking, nothing makes sense and i wish i could stop my brain from it's constant attempts at trying to understand shit. i wasn't meant for any of this. i feel such a horrible wave of dread wash over me whenever i think about where i'm at and how horrible things have gotten. i randomly think about my past friends and i feel so weak and sick. it's all hitting extra hard now and i can't control my emotions or anything. i've started breaking down and having anxiety attacks at work, it's unbearable. i randomly start thinking about everyone and everything at the beginning of the day and end up sobbing or dry heaving through the morning meetings. if things were even slightly different, i'd be in a much better spot. if literally one fucking person decided to stick around, i wouldn't be in such a dire, pathetic state. i would still be able to enjoy things, i wouldn't be having these constant emotional breakdowns. no one cares, i never mattered enough to anyone and i didn't provide enough for anyone to stick around. it's not even fair for me to blame them. i'm upset ofc, but i can't even be mad at them. if everyone leaves you, then there's a 90% chance that you're the problem. that's just common sense. no one treated me poorly, so i can't say that they were just malicious. that means i'm the problem. it's been over a year of dissecting everything about myself and everything i've done wrong and i still don't entirely get it. my best guess is that i was just exhausting, but it feels like more than that. they all said that they care and i didn't do anything, but that doesn't make sense. all but one of them wouldn't even let me say what i felt, they just left knowing that i was in so much pain and knowing that i was so distraught and i just don't understand how you could do that to a person unless you hate them and want to see them suffer. i have so much to say but i can't because i wasn't even given the option. everything about me: my thoughts, feelings, words, everything is all worthless to them and to everyone else it seems. it all feels incomplete so my mind is always racing. it's been over a year and it hasn't gotten any easier, it only gets worse. i've met new people and it's always bad. i put in the effort, i do everything i can and then some. this isn't possible and no one understands at all. most of the people here don't even get it because not many people are truly worthless and inherently awful like this. i just can't live anymore, it's all beyond ruined.
i'm so tired of thinking, nothing makes sense and i wish i could stop my brain from it's constant attempts at trying to understand shit. i wasn't meant for any of this. i feel such a horrible wave of dread wash over me whenever i think about where i'm at and how horrible things have gotten. i randomly think about my past friends and i feel so weak and sick. it's all hitting extra hard now and i can't control my emotions or anything. i've started breaking down and having anxiety attacks at work, it's unbearable. i randomly start thinking about everyone and everything at the beginning of the day and end up sobbing or dry heaving through the morning meetings. if things were even slightly different, i'd be in a much better spot. if literally one fucking person decided to stick around, i wouldn't be in such a dire, pathetic state. i would still be able to enjoy things, i wouldn't be having these constant emotional breakdowns. no one cares, i never mattered enough to anyone and i didn't provide enough for anyone to stick around. it's not even fair for me to blame them. i'm upset ofc, but i can't even be mad at them. if everyone leaves you, then there's a 90% chance that you're the problem. that's just common sense. no one treated me poorly, so i can't say that they were just malicious. that means i'm the problem. it's been over a year of dissecting everything about myself and everything i've done wrong and i still don't entirely get it. my best guess is that i was just exhausting, but it feels like more than that. they all said that they care and i didn't do anything, but that doesn't make sense. all but one of them wouldn't even let me say what i felt, they just left knowing that i was in so much pain and knowing that i was so distraught and i just don't understand how you could do that to a person unless you hate them and want to see them suffer. i have so much to say but i can't because i wasn't even given the option. everything about me: my thoughts, feelings, words, everything is all worthless to them and to everyone else it seems. it all feels incomplete so my mind is always racing. it's been over a year and it hasn't gotten any easier, it only gets worse. i've met new people and it's always bad. i put in the effort, i do everything i can and then some. this isn't possible and no one understands at all. most of the people here don't even get it because not many people are truly worthless and inherently awful like this. i just can't live anymore, it's all beyond ruined.
