smurftonic
An unqualified dissapointment
- May 21, 2023
- 2
Ive been a lerker for this website for quite a few years now but I'm fairly confident I'm going to be committing next year. I'm so completely over it. My life just feels so hollow and obsolete. All I've done is follow whatever anyone else told me to do because even as a child k was left with no autonomy.
I am currently a chef, a completely dead-end, suicide inducing role. And it's hopeless. Each and everyday I'm working with knives, who would've known what I do to myself has used lmao. I sneak away with my utility knife to cut myself in the bathroom during my break while blasting metal in my ears just to silence my own voice.
Before this I was a teacher, teaching young adults in highschool. But I was getting fucked around, and I wasn't surviving anymore. I was drowning in my own head and in work. I had too much spare time after the gig that I was at a breaking point and would be in an out of suicide attempts like they were handed to me in a packet of tiktaks. I worked as a cook during this time. I quit being a teacher because after a whole my university told me I was exempt from a $10k scholarship I was offered. All because I wasn't baptised. Fuck you CEWA, what a joke you are
I'm a loser, literally working my life away. Spending my spare days stuck in sleep so I need not see the light of day nlr the horrors of thought. Being a chef helps this because of the 50-60 hour weeks and awful rosters of 11-13 hour days.
I've no friends anymore. They all left me when I am now unable to take time off work because I genuinely fear having time to myself anymore. I've no romantic partners for many years. I still live with my parents, but we have always been like strangers to each other yet I am their only child. I feel as much as a disappointment as they make me to be. And it's funny. They named me Ashlee, they only ever planned for a girl. Yet I am a guy, everyday k wish that wasn't the case. But everyday I too wish I was never born. I was born on a black friday. Maybe it'd be poetic to end myself on a black friday
But I won't survive till november.
Thank you for reading this shitty story on my post work car sesh.
I hope to try and use this account more, now that I have one. And maybe write a few more stories to leave a breadcrumbs for when I do make peace for myself.
I hope everyone has a fantastic night.
Sincerely,
Ash
I am currently a chef, a completely dead-end, suicide inducing role. And it's hopeless. Each and everyday I'm working with knives, who would've known what I do to myself has used lmao. I sneak away with my utility knife to cut myself in the bathroom during my break while blasting metal in my ears just to silence my own voice.
Before this I was a teacher, teaching young adults in highschool. But I was getting fucked around, and I wasn't surviving anymore. I was drowning in my own head and in work. I had too much spare time after the gig that I was at a breaking point and would be in an out of suicide attempts like they were handed to me in a packet of tiktaks. I worked as a cook during this time. I quit being a teacher because after a whole my university told me I was exempt from a $10k scholarship I was offered. All because I wasn't baptised. Fuck you CEWA, what a joke you are
I'm a loser, literally working my life away. Spending my spare days stuck in sleep so I need not see the light of day nlr the horrors of thought. Being a chef helps this because of the 50-60 hour weeks and awful rosters of 11-13 hour days.
I've no friends anymore. They all left me when I am now unable to take time off work because I genuinely fear having time to myself anymore. I've no romantic partners for many years. I still live with my parents, but we have always been like strangers to each other yet I am their only child. I feel as much as a disappointment as they make me to be. And it's funny. They named me Ashlee, they only ever planned for a girl. Yet I am a guy, everyday k wish that wasn't the case. But everyday I too wish I was never born. I was born on a black friday. Maybe it'd be poetic to end myself on a black friday
But I won't survive till november.
Thank you for reading this shitty story on my post work car sesh.
I hope to try and use this account more, now that I have one. And maybe write a few more stories to leave a breadcrumbs for when I do make peace for myself.
I hope everyone has a fantastic night.
Sincerely,
Ash
