i'm officially giving up

[aubrey!]

for the past few years, i chased. recovery. i tried adjusting my mindset, cleaning my spaces, working out, and pretty much anything suggested. funny how the people who suggest these things don't understand me, and have never experienced much pain.

the only things i've refused is getting help from a therapist - i don't want to talk to a paid actor. fuck that. or drugs or similar - inaccessible. I like alky though, but it's no cure.

i believed that recovery was possible for so long. i dreamed of one day being surrounded by my friends, happy again, escaping or accepting my past memories and moving forward doing the things i enjoy. i used to be happy so, surely i can be again right?

friends come and go. or i guess in my story, they just go. i have about 3 people i'd consider somewhat close, but not super. we only talk a couple times a week now. what hurts even more is people who come by briefly, form a bond, and are out within a day or two. it happens so often and the pain stacks each time.

everything that's gotten me here is my fault anyway. i ruined years long friendships, i ruined bonds with whole groups, all in the name of anger and hatred.

the last couple months have been an absolute turning point in my life. i'm losing energy, giving up trying, and giving up believing. i've never been through this before, but that slowly expanding realisation that you will never recover. the things you do are stuck to you, no matter how hard you try to change your personality, names, icons, looks. i can't move forward. i can't get over it. i can't forget.

i'm officially giving up.

i wish people would accept the fact life isn't for everyone. i wish there was an easy way out. i wish i didn't have to be forced to live. i wish people understood me more often. i wish people didnt feel bad for me. i wish people talked to me. i wish people loved me romantically. i wish i wasnt so jealous. i wish i hadn't done all those things. i wish i could move on. i do wish i could've recovered.

i'm not going to ctb today, probably not soon, maybe i'll be too scared and live a full life of suffering haha. they didn't make dying easy! this isn't a goodbye thread. but now's the path down a road that's scary but sure to make things just fine, if i do manage to ctb. maybe i'll give that up too, and turn into a flesh like dr pepper fueled rock.

and -- a random thank you to you guys for being the first people who feel truly honest about these topics. so sick of the "call suicide hotline" and the like bullshit.

 

[Zegers]

Best wishes whatever you do

 

[smallworld_]

and -- a random thank you to you guys for being the first people who feel truly honest about these topics. so sick of the "call suicide hotline" and the like bullshit.

Agreed, Im also sick of it like can we all just real that this shit sucks and we shouldn't have to be forced to stick around for it.

It honestly feels better when someone admits that instead of the ol' hotline and seek help/its worth it in the end bs.

 

[Hollowman]

I gave up on recovery too, a person can only try and fail so many times.

 

[Rob1984]

Life is really tough. A lot of us were not dealt good cards from the beginning. What makes it tougher is acknowledging that some other people have just had it easier from the start.

You are really tough on yourself though...

You are saying everything is your fault? Do you genuinely believe that though? Like, do you think everything in your life was completely in your control and that you simply made bad choices? Btw, it sounds like you truly have put in a lot of work in trying to recover. Even though it isn't going the way you wished, I think you should show some appreciation to yourself for putting in the effort. It really is not easy making an effort when you're feeling so defeated in life, so don't completely dismiss the work you have put in.

 

[aubrey!]

You are saying everything is your fault? Do you genuinely believe that though? Like, do you think everything in your life was completely in your control and that you simply made bad choices? Btw, it sounds like you truly have put in a lot of work in trying to recover. Even though it isn't going the way you wished, I think you should show some appreciation to yourself for putting in the effort. It really is not easy making an effort when you're feeling so defeated in life, so don't completely dismiss the work you have put in.

I may be harsh on myself, but I'm honest. It was all in my control - and I should've knew better.

 

[Rob1984]

I may be harsh on myself, but I'm honest. It was all in my control - and I should've knew better.

I'm not sure you actually are being honest though... there are tons of things in your existence that are purely out of your control. You didn't choose anything for a lot of your early life. And your early life greatly shapes who you become. All it takes is for your parents to mistreat you at a young age (perhaps use you as a scapegoat for their problems), and suddenly you might have a tendency to blame yourself for everything. At least, that is how it occurs for most people.

I'm just curious, do (or did) your parents often express pride with your achievements growing up? Did you feel you were good enough in your family? Or were you often falling short in some way? Btw, you don't need to answer these questions. I realize they are personal.

 

[aubrey!]

I'm not sure you actually are being honest though... there are tons of things in your existence that are purely out of your control. You didn't choose anything for a lot of your early life. And your early life greatly shapes who you become. All it takes is for your parents to mistreat you at a young age (perhaps use you as a scapegoat for their problems), and suddenly you might have a tendency to blame yourself for everything. At least, that is how it occurs for most people.

I'm just curious, do (or did) your parents often express pride with your achievements growing up? Did you feel you were good enough in your family? Or were you often falling short in some way? Btw, you don't need to answer these questions. I realize they are personal.

my early life did not shape this, i was fairly happy up until i made those choices.

i've felt short since middle school. but that's to be expected. my parents got over it pretty quick.

 

[Rob1984]

i've felt short since middle school. but that's to be expected. my parents got over it pretty quick.

Nice joke.

I'm trying to help and understand you. But if what I am asking is upsetting you more, I'll leave you alone. My intentions are not to bother you :/

 

[aubrey!]

Nice joke.

it was a typo, oops :p

there really isn't much to understand.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I wish you all the best. The few conversations we had were nice and I genuinely think you're a kind-hearted person. It's sad to see you give up but I understand how you feel. I hope you can have an enjoyable time in your final moments however long that may be - weeks, months or even years. <3

 

[aubrey!]

I wish you all the best. The few conversations we had were nice and I genuinely think you're a kind-hearted person. It's sad to see you give up but I understand how you feel. I hope you can have an enjoyable time in your final moments however long that may be - weeks, months or even years. <3

I agree - you're one of the people I really like talking to around these parts.

Unfortunately, as good as some people may be in my life, it's a real shame it can't nearly come close to outweighing all the suffering. I mean, maybe if i had people i really liked around me 24/7, but that's just unrealistic.

 

[Rob1984]

it was a typo, oops :p

there really isn't much to understand.

Alrighty. Well, I'm sorry you felt you made bad choices. We typically make choices on what either feels right at the moment, or what we think is the right choice moving forward. People do not usually purposely self-sabotage themselves, and even if they do, it's because it feels right to do so (even if it actually isn't). Hindsight is always 20-20...

Anyway, take care and if you can, try taking a little pride in all the work you say you have done. It really is not easy trying to recover

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I agree - you're one of the people I really like talking to around these parts.

Unfortunately, as good as some people may be in my life, it's a real shame it can't nearly come close to outweighing all the suffering. I mean, maybe if i had people i really liked around me 24/7, but that's just unrealistic.

Aww thank you. <3

Definitely, I've told one person about SaSu in my personal life and they hit me with the "I heavily dislike it"/the "it promotes suicide". As good as some people may be here unfortunately they won't make the difference. I've been blessed with many others but when we stopped sharing the same ideas they kind of backed out.

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[aubrey!]

Definitely, I've told one person about SaSu in my personal life and they hit me with the "I heavily dislike it"/the "it promotes suicide". As good as some people may be here unfortunately they won't make the difference. I've been blessed with many others but when we stopped sharing the same ideas they kind of backed out.

While I believe this site has it's darker and lighter sides, the majority of the users here are able to bond honestly about our problems. there is a recovery section, and my beliefs are that everyone should be allowed to make the choice for what they want. it's real dumb how people talk about how this site controls people to kill themselves, when those people control us to stay alive.

i don't have friends to lose really, i don't actively mention this site to anyone but i do follow the twitter account on a few of my accounts, and i'm not particularly secretive though i do use a different name. my personality is recognizable though.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

While I believe this site has it's darker and lighter sides, the majority of the users here are able to bond honestly about our problems. there is a recovery section, and my beliefs are that everyone should be allowed to make the choice for what they want. it's real dumb how people talk about how this site controls people to kill themselves, when those people control us to stay alive.

i don't have friends to lose really, i don't actively mention this site to anyone but i do follow the twitter account on a few of my accounts, and i'm not particularly secretive though i do use a different name. my personality is recognizable though.

100%, sad to see I can't be honest with some of my friends or mental healthcare workers. Every site has some bad apples and here has a few more since we're all very vulnerable.

I'm not too stressed about others finding me on this site, if they do they know it's helping me - either to find a peaceful sleep or to better myself. I've accidentally meaning a few acronyms and my friend recognized them off the tantacrul video, played it off smoothly though. I just use a different name and that's pretty much it other than denying on my life that I use it haha.

 

[LocalAngel]

Very heavily relatable. I've also given up on recovery, yet, stuck in this weird middle ground of being unable to CTB quite yet. Someone i fell for managed to stop me by just being kind. Now they aren't really in my life anymore and i regret stopping myself.

Point is, things change. life changes. But if you can hold onto that mentality, that things are very very unlikely to get better? It hurts less.

I understand.

 

[Mirrory Me]

It would get better perhaps, if you met people who wouldn't run away from you.

 

[aubrey!]

It would get better perhaps, if you met people who wouldn't run away from you.

life isn't a perfect decline. it goes up and down, but when you take a step back and look, the downs outweigh the ups and you end up seeing a decline anyway.

of course it would help - but it wouldn't save me.

 

[Flemie1227]

I'm not sure what you have been through but I think I could relate.
I have lose almost all my friendships by my pride.
And we you regretted and try to come back, it's not the same as it was before. and there's no turning back.
Still have obsessives thoughts of the decisions that I make them distance of me, And I really can't put out of my head.
Is like how they said "Hell is remembering good memories in the worst moments".

 

[Mirrory Me]

life isn't a perfect decline. it goes up and down, but when you take a step back and look, the downs outweigh the ups and you end up seeing a decline anyway.

of course it would help - but it wouldn't save me.

It depends how you look at it, I'm sorry if you're feeling bad right now.

I'm such a mess myself sometimes, but it feels better when talking about it with someone else.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you've been through, I think that it's true that life is not for everyone, and those who don't wish to delay the inevitable should just be able to have the option to leave in peace without struggle. Life really is so unnecessarily cruel, and it really disgusts me how insensitive people want to force others to suffer, it just proves that this world certainly is hell. I also cannot stand toxic positivity, it's incredibly insulting, but anyway best wishes.