I'm now active for over one year in this forum.

[RainAndSadness]

So I just recently surpassed my one-year anniversary. I registered back in June 2018. And wow, I can't describe how terrible this feels - not because I dislike the forum. This place definitely is the best thing that happened to me in the last few years. I love the forum and this community. I've never experienced more acceptance and support ever before in my life. But I feel terrible because I didn't end my pain. I didn't keep my promise I made to myself - that was very important for me. I kinda betrayed myself. And this hurts. Today I went back all the way to June 2018 and read the posts I made one year ago.

Little did I know, I would still be an active and living member one year later - despite my peaceful and painless method, which is stored carefully until use. Little did I know, I wouldn't overcome the survival instinct - despite all the preparation and planning. Little did I know, I wouldn't improve either - despite all attempts to sincerely get into a better position and overcome my struggles. But the opposite happened, I feel worse than ever before. Nothing changed. I know my path is set.

But this right here, it's seriously crushing, in every sense of that word. It has been one year. I see all the crossed names, all the people who left and made it to the other side already. I've witnessed many goodbye posts and they all had their reasons. They told their story. It's sad but I also adore their strength. They did it, they don't suffer anymore.

But I still have time and I hope to leave in the foreseeable future. My N shouldn't expire until November and I want to set my deadline earlier. My birthday is in September and I want to avoid my 25th birthday at all costs. I already tried to leave in May. It was rushed and I tried to push myself over the edge but I didn't achieve anything besides checking into my hotel room. But I'm familiar with the surroundings now. I will go to the same place and ask for the same room. That's an advantage, leaving in a familiar place. The room was perfect and they had amazing beds, that's how you want to go. And next time I'm gonna be prepared. I have a backup method, just in case I fuck it up somehow. But I have to open that bottle next time and go for it. There is no way around it.

 

[Life sucks]

Same as for me, old member seeing the sadness of the flow of time and still unable to end it :( many disappeared and many ctbed, it was good memories and good place. The world is bad and toxic and we had no place but to come here and talk about the enormous pain and endless problems we have. I can't describe how sad it is to lose and to see the time moves.
I want to cry endlessly, why should we suffer in this existence with toxic people and shitty life that has endless problems.

As a fellow old member, I'll give you a big hug and you are very dear to me. I love you and wish you peace and no suffering

 

[RM5998]

Same here... I had my method down within a month or so of joining, and I'd set my date to 2 months to the day I joined (by accident, actually... the goal was to go on a Sunday because on Monday my classes started late). All I had to do was put my head through a noose, tighten it around my neck and lean forward. I failed to get past step 2. I knew it would have been painless, I was just too scared of the void.

I hope you manage to find peace soon, in whatever form it comes. Good luck, and a big hug, to you.

EDIT: I just noticed, both you and @Burzolog plan to CTB before 25. I've had that mental deadline for a while as well (although that's 4 years away for me).

 

[262653]

Right through the feels... Even though I wasn't really active. It seems like this forum flourishes like never before and I I'm afraid I've got disturbingly attached to it.
I too prefer to do it before hitting 25... maybe even tomorrow morning. You'll never know. I hope that we will find peace but hope needs an ally, a drive, the same thing that is required for a decent living, ironically enough.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm a relative newbie, but yes, same here. Six attempts since I joined, all foiled by SI, and I feel like an utter fraud for not succeeding and still being active here. So much sympathy and support from this community. So many people I miss from here, now remembered for their last waves through the rear window of The Bus.

I'm sorry you're still in such pain, @RainAndSadness, but thank you for having (inadvertently) been part of this crowd while I've been here. I've appreciated many of your posts and enjoyed your contributions to many, many threads. Whenever and however you find peace --and I do hope you find that much-deserved peace-- I'm glad to have known you.

 

[Dartz]

In the same boat. Over a year since I've been lurking and in 3 days my account will be 1 year old. It's disappointing. I never intended to reach 22 and hopefully I don't go any further.

 

[Thorn]

Suicide is a natural death, in a way. You can't go until it's time to go.

 

[TAW122]

Congrats @RainAndSadness on your one year anniversary on SS!

 

[lululoo]

Please don't feel bad about this. You really shouldn't. Long before such forums existed, there have been people mulling over suicide for years (or decades!). Suicide is not easy. Some people do it on a whim, sure, but others consider for a time before doing it--or maybe things get better and they never do. All this forum does is document officially that you have been suicidal for at least a year. Trust me that you are not alone in that. Also you are young. I'm a pathetic 30 something who really should have done it much sooner. I read my old journal last night and broke down in despair about how long I have been suffering so acutely. But little specks of hope kept me going.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm sorry for the late response. I wrote a draft over the course of the last few days but it got deleted so I had to start all over again. And I'm extremely depressed right now so it's really difficult for me to write lengthy, meaningful posts and there I can't contribute anything to the forum. Writing this post alone required a lot of dedication. I also started to dissociate with pretty much everything lately so I'm basically merely existing and just waiting for the right moment to leave. But I appreciate all of your input, especially from the old members. I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in this. Thank you very much, these posts helped me a lot.

Same as for me, old member seeing the sadness of the flow of time and still unable to end it :( many disappeared and many ctbed, it was good memories and good place. The world is bad and toxic and we had no place but to come here and talk about the enormous pain and endless problems we have. I can't describe how sad it is to lose and to see the time moves.

I want to cry endlessly, why should we suffer in this existence with toxic people and shitty life that has endless problems.

As a fellow old member, I'll give you a big hug and you are very dear to me. I love you and wish you peace and no suffering

You're right, it's saddening but I hope they rest in peace now. I appreciate all the lovely conversations I had with these people and I'm grateful that I could interact with them before they left this world. Plenty of hugs back to you and I wish you a peaceful journey.

Same here... I had my method down within a month or so of joining, and I'd set my date to 2 months to the day I joined (by accident, actually... the goal was to go on a Sunday because on Monday my classes started late). All I had to do was put my head through a noose, tighten it around my neck and lean forward. I failed to get past step 2. I knew it would have been painless, I was just too scared of the void.

I hope you manage to find peace soon, in whatever form it comes. Good luck, and a big hug, to you.

EDIT: I just noticed, both you and @Burzolog plan to CTB before 25. I've had that mental deadline for a while as well (although that's 4 years away for me).

Yeah, I can relate to your post. I bought my Nembutal one week after registering and I didn't really manage to do anything with it so far. I also hope you find peace once you decide to leave. Good luck and hugs back to you.

Regarding the age, yeah. I don't know why exactly, but the idea of aging makes me really anxious. My 25th birthday is a reminder that I should have left many years ago, when I was unable to understand the serious and eternal implications of death. And I want to avoid it. I'm not proud of my age and I honestly think it's better to leave in my 'peak' years rather than staying until I see myself becoming my own worst enemy, you know what I mean. Because that's how it feels like, right now.

Right through the feels... Even though I wasn't really active. It seems like this forum flourishes like never before and I I'm afraid I've got disturbingly attached to it.

I too prefer to do it before hitting 25... maybe even tomorrow morning. You'll never know. I hope that we will find peace but hope needs an ally, a drive, the same thing that is required for a decent living, ironically enough.

Same here. I love the forum and I'll never leave it - as long as I'm alive. I'm not that active right now but I had these inactive periods in the past, mostly due to depression and I hope I feel more talk-active again very soon.

I'm a relative newbie, but yes, same here. Six attempts since I joined, all foiled by SI, and I feel like an utter fraud for not succeeding and still being active here. So much sympathy and support from this community. So many people I miss from here, now remembered for their last waves through the rear window of The Bus.

I'm sorry you're still in such pain, @RainAndSadness, but thank you for having (inadvertently) been part of this crowd while I've been here. I've appreciated many of your posts and enjoyed your contributions to many, many threads. Whenever and however you find peace --and I do hope you find that much-deserved peace-- I'm glad to have known you.

I'm sorry about your failed attempts. That must be really difficult. And I know what you mean, I also feel guilty for announcing my exit in the past, just to come back with an explanation for my failure. I can relate so much. But I don't think you need to feel guilty. You're valid and some people - me included - just need more time until we can take the final step. I also miss so many passed members from this forum but I'm glad to have known them.

Thank you, I'm also grateful to have known you. I definitely remember your name and I'm glad you're also a part of this community. I enjoy reading your posts. I also wish you peace for your journey.

In the same boat. Over a year since I've been lurking and in 3 days my account will be 1 year old. It's disappointing. I never intended to reach 22 and hopefully I don't go any further.

I feel you, regarding the age. I hope you'll find peace.

Suicide is a natural death, in a way. You can't go until it's time to go.

I guess you're right. Maybe this just isn't the right time or maybe I'm just not in the right mental state. Although... I think I should have left many years ago. It seems like I just missed my perfect opportunity, you know what I mean? Maybe that's the reason why I'm damned to continue and rot until I'm barely human anymore.

Congrats @RainAndSadness on your one year anniversary on SS!

Thank you!

Please don't feel bad about this. You really shouldn't. Long before such forums existed, there have been people mulling over suicide for years (or decades!). Suicide is not easy. Some people do it on a whim, sure, but others consider for a time before doing it--or maybe things get better and they never do. All this forum does is document officially that you have been suicidal for at least a year. Trust me that you are not alone in that. Also you are young. I'm a pathetic 30 something who really should have done it much sooner. I read my old journal last night and broke down in despair about how long I have been suffering so acutely. But little specks of hope kept me going.

I guess you're right but I'm still disappointed with myself for the lack of strength and determination over such a long time. And I assume these little specks of hope also kept me going in the past. But I know these hopes are shallow. I know, realistically speaking, that I'm not going to improve. I tried it in the past, with no success. And I know these hopes are just silly attempts of my consciousness to keep me alive, to be honest. I'm subconsciously deceiving myself and cling to the smallest hints for improvement - even if they're meaningless and silly. After so many years of suffering, I know it's too late to improve. I just know this, rationally speaking. But my emotional side can't stop having this argument with myself and I have to convince myself over and over again that this path is just pure pain and suffering. It's just annoying.

I'm sorry you're also going through a lot of pain. I feel your situation a lot and your despair to leave. I can relate to your situation, especially if you decided to leave a long time ago. But I don't think you have to feel guilty for this. I hope you'll find peace and a big hug to you.


Again, thanks for all the input. I hope I could respond to all of your posts accordingly. Hugs to everyone.

 

[Donewith_]

I have been here from the July of last year. Was here before creating this account.
so, I'm hanging around here from almost a year.. I can't really say if that's a good thing for me or not. I just don't think about it. I have tried to ctb a few times in this time.. but I did not try hard.
May be.. time will eventually unfold things that are yet to come.