Discussion I'm not sure if I'm ready to face death

[thejumper]

I've been suicidal for at least 3 years by this point; before that I used to be mildly depressed for 3 years as well. So 6 years of emptiness has never left me. Lots of things have happened to me over the span of these years. Still, here I am. With the same condition as before.

I was fantasizing about travelling to a remote place in my country and catching the bus in a hotel room in early September. When I thought about it, I was terrified. The realization that I might not exist by the next month hit me very different. On one hand, there are things I enjoy in life. Sometimes, it's a piece of chocolate cake. Sometimes it's flirthing with women. And someties it's just nothing but sitting by myself and watching the city. On the other hand, I feel like a slave to my own body. I'm dealing with problems related to alcohol, have dropped out, can't find a job, etc. Everything was so perfect before but I fucked it up because, well, apparently my so-called "emptiness" wasn't filled that time either. So I chose to escape that emptiness by dropping out and leaving everything behind. I had a great fully funded scholarship going with a great degree, but I fucked it up. Whatever.

How does one live? Life is still beautiful, but I don't think the beauty of it all is worth it most of the time. I don't care about the meaninglessness of life; all I'd like to do is get rid of this inexplicable sense of ... emptiness?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Can you elaborate on what you experience when you say you feel "emptiness"? A lot of people describe feeling that but it can look very different for everyone.

Is there anyway to repair the damage done to your life?

 

[thejumper]

Can you elaborate on what you experience when you say you feel "emptiness"? A lot of people describe feeling that but it can look very different for everyone.

Is there anyway to repair the damage done to your life?

Thank you for readiny my post.
I'm having a very hard time explaining this sense of emptiness. I always have this strong desire to cease my conscious activity during most of my waking hours. It's as if I've been "left tormented by a stupefyingly heavy sense of our own importance in a nevertheless wholly indifferent, random and unequal universe." I read this somewhere once, and it really hit home.

This is the best I can explain this heavy sense of dread or emptiness.

 

[obei]

I've been suicidal for at least 3 years by this point; before that I used to be mildly depressed for 3 years as well. So 6 years of emptiness has never left me. Lots of things have happened to me over the span of these years. Still, here I am. With the same condition as before.

I was fantasizing about travelling to a remote place in my country and catching the bus in a hotel room in early September. When I thought about it, I was terrified. The realization that I might not exist by the next month hit me very different. On one hand, there are things I enjoy in life. Sometimes, it's a piece of chocolate cake. Sometimes it's flirthing with women. And someties it's just nothing but sitting by myself and watching the city. On the other hand, I feel like a slave to my own body. I'm dealing with problems related to alcohol, have dropped out, can't find a job, etc. Everything was so perfect before but I fucked it up because, well, apparently my so-called "emptiness" wasn't filled that time either. So I chose to escape that emptiness by dropping out and leaving everything behind. I had a great fully funded scholarship going with a great degree, but I fucked it up. Whatever.

How does one live? Life is still beautiful, but I don't think the beauty of it all is worth it most of the time. I don't care about the meaninglessness of life; all I'd like to do is get rid of this inexplicable sense of ... emptiness?

Hey! If you wanna chat dm me. Dont ctb if you dont feel ready. Just dont. This means that you do have a wish to live, and maybe it can work with getting help from people you feel you can trust

 

[carac]

Thank you for readiny my post.
I'm having a very hard time explaining this sense of emptiness. I always have this strong desire to cease my conscious activity during most of my waking hours. It's as if I've been "left tormented by a stupefyingly heavy sense of our own importance in a nevertheless wholly indifferent, random and unequal universe." I read this somewhere once, and it really hit home.

This is the best I can explain this heavy sense of dread or emptiness.

Do you think this feeling might be due to a sense of failure? Do you feel like you have wasted oppurtunities and not met anywhere near your full potential? Do you think people are judging you for falling short? My guess is you have a lot of unresolved issues that have held you back and you don't realise it's not your fault for where you are now in life. I don't feel like I have much meaning in my life either but I think just trying can help, try to meet people, try to learn new skills try to explore why you are the way you are and work on healing.

btw I love a nice piece of chocolate cake.