Venting I'm not suicidal enough for this website

[Cauliflour]

I've probably already made a post about this so if this is a repeat then feel free to ignore me.

I see posts about people ordering chemicals, making plans, saying goodbyes, and overall feel like utter dogshit and I don't feel exactly like all those people but I must have something up with me because people are picking up on it and everyone here is so kind and wholesome and god damn it I don't deserve to be here but this is the only place I can talk more honestly because I've talked too much on Discord servers and people are concerned. I make too many of these posts and I don't even do anything serious like pick out a nice bridge, I just ramble. Everyone here is actually suicidal and shit and I'm just a poser who knows their self worth. What is even the threshold for "being suicidal"? I probably don't think about killing myself enough to classify as suicidal even though I have dreams of violently stabbing myself somewhat often.

I'm so lonely. I can't be honest with anybody.

I can't be honest with my family because they'll send me to therapy.

I can't be honest with my friends because I don't talk to people.

I can't be honest online because people will cancel me.

I can't be honest on here because I'm not the right kind of mentally ill.

Everyone here doesn't deserve to die. Everyone here has some sort of worth that they shouldn't throw away and should preserve for as long as they can, but I'm not everyone. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to be on this website. I don't deserve to have success in life. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve to die. I didn't deserve to be born but I was anyway so I should just invent time travel and mess with my parents' schedule so I don't come into existence.

When people cut, they do it because of some kind of mental health thing. They deserve it or they want to calm down or whatever they say but I just do it because I like it and are a masochist. I haven't cut in quite a bit though. Don't deserve it. I don't deserve that glorious feeling and the beauty of the scars. All I deserve is tetanus.

I don't know how normal people are supposed to act. I've grown up quite sheltered for reasons I won't get into and I have autism and are lesbian so I feel like I'm in my own bubble that I want to see what is beyond it but end up face planting. I live paranoid of what everyone thinks of me as I don't know what to mask (and if I did, I would probably be lying in a crimson bath already) and I've accepted that this is my life. I've accepted that I'm a fucking weirdo that can never change and is a piece of shit and everyone must be talking behind my back but if I say that too much then I sound like those TikTokers who think they're quirky and want attention.

I just want to find someone who thinks, or at least understands, me and I can be completely honest about everything to them and only them, but I don't deserve anyone like that, if they even exist. I'll end up dragging them down and abusing them and I can't bring myself to inevitably hurt someone like that. I suppose they'll have to be even more fucked in the head than me to counter-balance but then they'll be in pain and I don't have the strength to help them so it'll never work out.

I'll eventually learn to grow numb though. I just need to keep up this facade before it comes crashing down.

 

[LittleMagician]

I've probably already made a post about this so if this is a repeat then feel free to ignore me.

I see posts about people ordering chemicals, making plans, saying goodbyes, and overall feel like utter dogshit and I don't feel exactly like all those people but I must have something up with me because people are picking up on it and everyone here is so kind and wholesome and god damn it I don't deserve to be here but this is the only place I can talk more honestly because I've talked too much on Discord servers and people are concerned. I make too many of these posts and I don't even do anything serious like pick out a nice bridge, I just ramble. Everyone here is actually suicidal and shit and I'm just a poser who knows their self worth. What is even the threshold for "being suicidal"? I probably don't think about killing myself enough to classify as suicidal even though I have dreams of violently stabbing myself somewhat often.

I'm so lonely. I can't be honest with anybody.

I can't be honest with my family because they'll send me to therapy.

I can't be honest with my friends because I don't talk to people.

I can't be honest online because people will cancel me.

I can't be honest on here because I'm not the right kind of mentally ill.

Everyone here doesn't deserve to die. Everyone here has some sort of worth that they shouldn't throw away and should preserve for as long as they can, but I'm not everyone. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to be on this website. I don't deserve to have success in life. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve to die. I didn't deserve to be born but I was anyway so I should just invent time travel and mess with my parents' schedule so I don't come into existence.

When people cut, they do it because of some kind of mental health thing. They deserve it or they want to calm down or whatever they say but I just do it because I like it and are a masochist. I haven't cut in quite a bit though. Don't deserve it. I don't deserve that glorious feeling and the beauty of the scars. All I deserve is tetanus.

I don't know how normal people are supposed to act. I've grown up quite sheltered for reasons I won't get into and I have autism and are lesbian so I feel like I'm in my own bubble that I want to see what is beyond it but end up face planting. I live paranoid of what everyone thinks of me as I don't know what to mask (and if I did, I would probably be lying in a crimson bath already) and I've accepted that this is my life. I've accepted that I'm a fucking weirdo that can never change and is a piece of shit and everyone must be talking behind my back but if I say that too much then I sound like those TikTokers who think they're quirky and want attention.

I just want to find someone who thinks, or at least understands, me and I can be completely honest about everything to them and only them, but I don't deserve anyone like that, if they even exist. I'll end up dragging them down and abusing them and I can't bring myself to inevitably hurt someone like that. I suppose they'll have to be even more fucked in the head than me to counter-balance but then they'll be in pain and I don't have the strength to help them so it'll never work out.

I'll eventually learn to grow numb though. I just need to keep up this facade before it comes crashing down.

If you voluntarily signed up for a suicide website and have posted frequently then I think you are suicidal enough to be here lol

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I'll be honest, you're not the first to make this post and you won't be the last. At a point I told myself the same thing, others did, and those who replied didn't tell me or others "log off, you don't fulfil the requirements" because it's not a thing.

Genuinely, you don't have to be on your way out to be on this website, if you feel like it may be useful to you, to have a place to just voice your concerns about life, then that's already good enough. There's no manual telling you what you MUST post. Do what feels right to you.

Also about the cutting thing. I'll go ahead and admit that the only times I tried were because I was curious and because I saw it in a horror videogame (I'm not up to hear the whole "games cause violence" shit, in no way does the average person see someone kill a person in a game and repeat the process irl as if it was nothing), if I compare what you said to my experience then I probably wouldn't be worth of having atoms in my body...

I get your concerns and understand that everyone goes through different things differently, but I intend no ill will when I say that you, or any others who have a genuine interest in being here to try to feel better or whatever other reasons brings them relief, are still welcome here regardless of whether you want to CTB at all or not. So, even if I said like 4 times, there's no requirements. Following applicable laws, following the site regulations and no one will be telling you anything.

If anything I said seemed weird/oddly written, bear in mind I wrote this at almost 1 AM. Also, I'm sorry for what you're going through as a whole, in your life.

 

[itsmeagain]

There are game threads, off topic, and recovery threads. You can be here. You don't have to be suicidal *enough* to be on SS.

You don't have to want suicide to be valid. More people need to be told that. Talk here and people will listen—they're wholesome because they know each stage of pain, and before you drop into the next stage, I'm happy you're here, hon.

 

[Worndown]

You are not required to die.

Chat. See who else is here and shares some of the issues you are worried about.
You will live until you die. Live with us until that day arrives.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

This website is a safe place to talk about the subject of suicide and the many things surrounding it.
No one wants to just die people get pushed to that point , and just because someone on here ends up ending their life doesn't mean you have to make that decision now or ever.
You wouldn't be on here if you didn't have some idea of how bad you might be , and making a post to say that you don't belong on here just makes it sound like you do.

 

[set0553]

I've probably already made a post about this so if this is a repeat then feel free to ignore me.

I see posts about people ordering chemicals, making plans, saying goodbyes, and overall feel like utter dogshit and I don't feel exactly like all those people but I must have something up with me because people are picking up on it and everyone here is so kind and wholesome and god damn it I don't deserve to be here but this is the only place I can talk more honestly because I've talked too much on Discord servers and people are concerned. I make too many of these posts and I don't even do anything serious like pick out a nice bridge, I just ramble. Everyone here is actually suicidal and shit and I'm just a poser who knows their self worth. What is even the threshold for "being suicidal"? I probably don't think about killing myself enough to classify as suicidal even though I have dreams of violently stabbing myself somewhat often.

I'm so lonely. I can't be honest with anybody.

I can't be honest with my family because they'll send me to therapy.

I can't be honest with my friends because I don't talk to people.

I can't be honest online because people will cancel me.

I can't be honest on here because I'm not the right kind of mentally ill.

Everyone here doesn't deserve to die. Everyone here has some sort of worth that they shouldn't throw away and should preserve for as long as they can, but I'm not everyone. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to be on this website. I don't deserve to have success in life. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve to die. I didn't deserve to be born but I was anyway so I should just invent time travel and mess with my parents' schedule so I don't come into existence.

When people cut, they do it because of some kind of mental health thing. They deserve it or they want to calm down or whatever they say but I just do it because I like it and are a masochist. I haven't cut in quite a bit though. Don't deserve it. I don't deserve that glorious feeling and the beauty of the scars. All I deserve is tetanus.

I don't know how normal people are supposed to act. I've grown up quite sheltered for reasons I won't get into and I have autism and are lesbian so I feel like I'm in my own bubble that I want to see what is beyond it but end up face planting. I live paranoid of what everyone thinks of me as I don't know what to mask (and if I did, I would probably be lying in a crimson bath already) and I've accepted that this is my life. I've accepted that I'm a fucking weirdo that can never change and is a piece of shit and everyone must be talking behind my back but if I say that too much then I sound like those TikTokers who think they're quirky and want attention.

I just want to find someone who thinks, or at least understands, me and I can be completely honest about everything to them and only them, but I don't deserve anyone like that, if they even exist. I'll end up dragging them down and abusing them and I can't bring myself to inevitably hurt someone like that. I suppose they'll have to be even more fucked in the head than me to counter-balance but then they'll be in pain and I don't have the strength to help them so it'll never work out.

I'll eventually learn to grow numb though. I just need to keep up this facade before it comes crashing down.

There is no level of suicidal you gotta be to be here. Many ppl like me come here to talk to like minded people, and this site has helped me to become less suicidal than id ever been before, cuz of amazing people I've met, and im just glad you're here and part of the community. But please don't ever think you don't belong here. Everyone's reasons for being here vary greatly.

 

[Dot]

Sme ppl join sasu bcse thy wn2 recovr bt thy r nt feelng listnd 2 in othr plces

Th/ philsphy of th/ ste = 2 respct decisns 2 bth liv or di - if u wn2 liv thn u r eqully welcme & thre r rsourcs 2 hlp u

 

[Pale_Rider]

I sure feel the can't be honest part. Belive it, or not my family doesn't know about my other attempts. Meanwhile. They're in my medical record. Mum is the word.
I wouldn't even know how to tell somebody that. Much less my family.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I know that I'm not in a position where I can order anything lethal. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to jump off a building or throw myself into traffic. I remember when I was at my worst with suicidal thoughts, I tried to ignore my fear of rollercoasters by reminding myself that if anything were to go wrong, I would be dead -- and that was something I knew I wanted. But, in my mind, my fear continued to stick with me. Because I didn't want to die from falling or getting caught in the machinery or some other horrific twist of fate. Sometimes, when I'm having a worse day, I just wish I could just jump off the nearest building. But, I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I think about the various medications I have, but I don't think I have enough of anything to harm myself. Maybe, I'd just sleep for a few more hours. I have access to blades, but nothing sharp enough to slit my wrists. I also realized how difficult, damaging, and long that method is -- which turned me off from the idea entirely.

Perhaps, I would be just as stuck if I had a "death pill" in my pocket wherever I went. Even if it was completely painless, I could still see myself hesitating. It is instinct to, after all.

The point of what I'm saying is that you don't have to be making plans -- or even have a plan to be here. You don't have to sign a contract to kill yourself to be on this forum. I think the common thread between everyone here is not suicidality; everyone is at a different point in their relationship with suicide. Not everyone on this forum wants to kill themselves. The common thread between people is the feeling of not being understood, of feeling like an outsider, or struggling with something that they might not even be able to put into words. I think, based on your experiences and frustrations, your comments on this forum are very relevant.

 

[aiyuxhan]

What you write sounds like you're passively suicidal.

Dying is not a requirement to be on this site. The fact you signed up shows you don't want to be alone and want to seek connection. I hope you're able to find friends here. There are resources on this site to help you as well, like in the recovery section. You can also vent and treat it like a support group as well. No one will tell you to kill yourself here. From my experience, majority of users are empathetic and understanding because we all go through our own personalized versions of suffering and pain.

 

[bankai]

If you voluntarily signed up for a suicide website and have posted frequently then I think you are suicidal enough to be here lol

Not everyone, some pro lifers looking to convince others not to do it have also signed up.