Story I’m not like the rest of you...

[Jane Doe]

I read this forum every night, trying to find someone to identify with, but it never happens.

I am not like you, I have a good job, I am well paid and senior in my position. I have a nice house and money in the bank. I buy nice clothes and have matching shoes & bags. I am not in any debt. I dine out in nice restaurants and I go to the theatre. I wear Chanel perfume. I sing in the choir. I have access to medical & dental care. I get my nails done every month, I go for facials and massages whenever I feel like it. I have amazing friends who love me so much and I am highly thought of in work. I have my mum and sisters, plus 2 neices who think the world of me. I stay in nice hotels and drink nice wine. I get my hair done once a month. I am chatty, bubbly and confident.

I am a fake.

Everyday in this life is a living hell. Behind this façade I am slowly dying. Behind all this, I have nothing, I am empty, my life is over. My husband left to go to work one day and never came back. He ctb, without warning. He jumped into a river. His body was missing for 7 weeks. 7 weeks waiting for his body to surface. 7 weeks of unbearable pain, shame, guilt, confusion. Trying to tell his closest friends and family what he had done, with no explaination, facing their judgement. The flashbacks overcome me almost every minute of everyday. The cold, dark feeling consumes me, the anixety rushes through my body. I can't breathe. What must his last thoughts have been? How could he have done this to me? How did I not know he was suffering? And the shame, I feel the shame of his suicide, the pity, the assumptions, the blame. People believe that I am to blame. I go over and over the aftermath in my head, like a film playing on repeat. I relive it all. Calling his mum & brother, his boss & best friend. The funeral, the songs, the coffin. I see it all as if it happened yesterday.

This is my real life. My husbands legacy to me.

 

[Smilla]

Sorry you can't identify with us lowlifes who don't wear Chanel perfume or who manage to get monthly haircuts.

 

[Life sucks]

Many members come and go in this forum and I assure you not everyone is in bad state in terms of money and materials. Also I've seen similar cases here and in the previous SS/TimeToGo/freetogo subreddits and I personally knew some people. Suicide and suffering is deeper than that. I once was in good terms of money and materials before I quit my job but I have endless problems with life so the materials is one factor in human life but not everything.

You don't have to alienate yourself or compare yourself to others. You have your unique circumstances and you can talk about your story and you'll see some understanding people. But just notice that some people have problems and some are toxic so be careful and don't let toxicity make you feel alien.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Actually @Jane Doe ive seen a few people on here who are the same especially some with highly funtioning depression too.

I had it all but not in a materialistic way, money and things has never been my driving force, the fiancee, step daughter, house, car, job where i go out each day and save lives (its not big pay but i love it) BUT my partner left one night after an argument, not a big one but one that just didnt seem to go away fully. She was found the next day in a hotel. Of course i was blamed, after the inquest it was all over the papers, online, FB, the blame that came in my direction pushed me to the point i ended up being sectioned. I began to hate her for leaving me in such a way, no notice, no letter nothing but blame.

Ive only been allowed back to work since mid december, ive moved to a flat trying to just re-group my life but i replay it everyday in my head. It wont go away, i cant fully explain the feeling but ive not been able to grieve, how can i, they took that away from me, i dont feel like i have the right to grieve. At one point i didnt feel i had the right to even eat or breath.

You may not be able to identify with everyone but you dont know everyones story so be humble. The fact your on here means you identify more than you know you just dont recognise it.

 

[Gainax]

I read this forum every night, trying to find someone to identify with, but it never happens.

I am not like you, I have a good job, I am well paid and senior in my position. I have a nice house and money in the bank. I buy nice clothes and have matching shoes & bags. I am not in any debt. I dine out in nice restaurants and I go to the theatre. I wear Chanel perfume. I sing in the choir. I have access to medical & dental care. I get my nails done every month, I go for facials and massages whenever I feel like it. I have amazing friends who love me so much and I am highly thought of in work. I have my mum and sisters, plus 2 neices who think the world of me. I stay in nice hotels and drink nice wine. I get my hair done once a month. I am chatty, bubbly and confident.

I am a fake.

Everyday in this life is a living hell. Behind this façade I am slowly dying. Behind all this, I have nothing, I am empty, my life is over. My husband left to go to work one day and never came back. He ctb, without warning. He jumped into a river. His body was missing for 7 weeks. 7 weeks waiting for his body to surface. 7 weeks of unbearable pain, shame, guilt, confusion. Trying to tell his closest friends and family what he had done, with no explaination, facing their judgement. The flashbacks overcome me almost every minute of everyday. The cold, dark feeling consumes me, the anixety rushes through my body. I can't breathe. What must his last thoughts have been? How could he have done this to me? How did I not know he was suffering? And the shame, I feel the shame of his suicide, the pity, the assumptions, the blame. People believe that I am to blame. I go over and over the aftermath in my head, like a film playing on repeat. I relive it all. Calling his mum & brother, his boss & best friend. The funeral, the songs, the coffin. I see it all as if it happened yesterday.

This is my real life. My husbands legacy to me.

Mourn your loss and try to move on with your life, . Ive wasted at least 15 years of my life by being in a state of depression..dont waste your time.

No one is asking you to be like us, the only thing we all want is to put an end to our suffering, many find the solution in death others like you, hopefully ,will find moving on with life

 

[Redt2go]

Are you trolling the site out of boredom?

 

[Smilla]

I read this forum every night, trying to find someone to identify with, but it never happens.

I am not like you, I have a good job, I am well paid and senior in my position. I have a nice house and money in the bank. I buy nice clothes and have matching shoes & bags. I am not in any debt. I dine out in nice restaurants and I go to the theatre. I wear Chanel perfume. I sing in the choir. I have access to medical & dental care. I get my nails done every month, I go for facials and massages whenever I feel like it. I have amazing friends who love me so much and I am highly thought of in work. I have my mum and sisters, plus 2 neices who think the world of me. I stay in nice hotels and drink nice wine. I get my hair done once a month. I am chatty, bubbly and confident.

I am a fake.

Everyday in this life is a living hell. Behind this façade I am slowly dying. Behind all this, I have nothing, I am empty, my life is over. My husband left to go to work one day and never came back. He ctb, without warning. He jumped into a river. His body was missing for 7 weeks. 7 weeks waiting for his body to surface. 7 weeks of unbearable pain, shame, guilt, confusion. Trying to tell his closest friends and family what he had done, with no explaination, facing their judgement. The flashbacks overcome me almost every minute of everyday. The cold, dark feeling consumes me, the anixety rushes through my body. I can't breathe. What must his last thoughts have been? How could he have done this to me? How did I not know he was suffering? And the shame, I feel the shame of his suicide, the pity, the assumptions, the blame. People believe that I am to blame. I go over and over the aftermath in my head, like a film playing on repeat. I relive it all. Calling his mum & brother, his boss & best friend. The funeral, the songs, the coffin. I see it all as if it happened yesterday.

This is my real life. My husbands legacy to me.

Maybe you were part of the "problem"?

What have YOU contributed to this ailing world except getting your nails and hair done with "matching bags and shoes"?

Dig a little deeper, you might be surprised at what you find :).

 

[Redt2go]

Maybe you were part of the "problem"?

What have YOU contributed to this ailing world except getting your nails and hair done with "matching bags and shoes"?

Dig a little deeper, you might be surprised at what you find :).

Seems like a troll tbh

 

[Smilla]

Seems like a troll tbh

I agree

 

[Gainax]

even trolls deserve a chance to be listened

@troll, express thyself

 

[your pathologist]

I read this forum every night, trying to find someone to identify with, but it never happens.

I am not like you, I have a good job, I am well paid and senior in my position. I have a nice house and money in the bank. I buy nice clothes and have matching shoes & bags. I am not in any debt. I dine out in nice restaurants and I go to the theatre. I wear Chanel perfume. I sing in the choir. I have access to medical & dental care. I get my nails done every month, I go for facials and massages whenever I feel like it. I have amazing friends who love me so much and I am highly thought of in work. I have my mum and sisters, plus 2 neices who think the world of me. I stay in nice hotels and drink nice wine. I get my hair done once a month. I am chatty, bubbly and confident.

I am a fake.

Everyday in this life is a living hell. Behind this façade I am slowly dying. Behind all this, I have nothing, I am empty, my life is over. My husband left to go to work one day and never came back. He ctb, without warning. He jumped into a river. His body was missing for 7 weeks. 7 weeks waiting for his body to surface. 7 weeks of unbearable pain, shame, guilt, confusion. Trying to tell his closest friends and family what he had done, with no explaination, facing their judgement. The flashbacks overcome me almost every minute of everyday. The cold, dark feeling consumes me, the anixety rushes through my body. I can't breathe. What must his last thoughts have been? How could he have done this to me? How did I not know he was suffering? And the shame, I feel the shame of his suicide, the pity, the assumptions, the blame. People believe that I am to blame. I go over and over the aftermath in my head, like a film playing on repeat. I relive it all. Calling his mum & brother, his boss & best friend. The funeral, the songs, the coffin. I see it all as if it happened yesterday.

This is my real life. My husbands legacy to me.

Its totally ok to seek out an answer for why this was done to you
Hell I woulda too
Maybe to wonder what he thought
Please know
He had thr suffering to his pain to end
He didnt particularly do this to hurt you
Even coulda thought it would help
So don't beat yourself up
You're worth more than that

 

[your pathologist]

Many members come and go in this forum and I assure you not everyone is in bad state in terms of money and materials. Also I've seen similar cases here and in the previous SS/TimeToGo/freetogo subreddits and I personally knew some people. Suicide and suffering is deeper than that. I once was in good terms of money and materials before I quit my job but I have endless problems with life so the materials is one factor in human life but not everything.

You don't have to alienate yourself or compare yourself to others. You have your unique circumstances and you can talk about your story and you'll see some understanding people. But just notice that some people have problems and some are toxic so be careful and don't let toxicity make you feel alien.

I'm in recovery so I agree
I was suicidal for about 6 months last fall

 

[your pathologist]

Just because someone is trying to understand what happened in their lives doesnt make them a troll

 

[Smilla]

Just because someone is trying to understand what happened in their lives doesnt make them a troll

Maybe not a troll but...really not a good person if you actually read their post.

 

[Redt2go]

Just because someone is trying to understand what happened in their lives doesnt make them a troll

I wish I had a heart like yours. That's true I can be pretty callous at times.

 

[HelensNepenthe]

There's something off putting about this post. Perhaps talking about your finances as some humble bragging? And then transitioning to your husband's death? This feels like something you'd read on 4chan with the introduction post some Anon bragging about their persona belongings.

I wish you'd give us more context about why you made this post. Perhaps with some context you can remove the thoughts the rest of us are sharing; the concern you're just a troll.

 

[your pathologist]

I wish I had a heart like yours. That's true I can be pretty callous at times.

Jealousy makes you human

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

OP literally implied nobody else here is well-off, confident, or well thought-of. If that's not a troll idk what is. She probably feels unfulfilled on some level, but alienating herself from the very community she hopes to get answers from seems like a bad idea.

 

[your pathologist]

Maybe not a troll but...really not a good person if you actually read their post.

Because of their priviledge or wealth

 

[your pathologist]

OP literally implied everyone else here isn't rich, confident, or well thought-of. If that's not a troll idk what is. She probably feels unfulfilled on some level, but alienating herself from the very community where she hopes to find answers seems like a bad idea.

I didn't read it that way perhaps I missed something telling

 

[your pathologist]

Maybe not a troll but...really not a good person if you actually read their post.

Perhaps the title could trigger as well

 

[Redt2go]

Jealousy makes you human

also symptom of narcissism. I appreciate you taking the opportunity to make me feel better! <3 heart of gold.

 

[your pathologist]

also symptom of narcissism. I appreciate you taking the opportunity to make me feel better! <3 heart of gold.

True
I suffer from both
Nice to meet you

 

[Smilla]

OP literally implied nobody else here is well-off, confident, or well thought-of. If that's not a troll idk what is. She probably feels unfulfilled on some level, but alienating herself from the very community she hopes to get answers from seems like a bad idea.

And I would add who cares if we are basement dwelling fuck ups?

In the end this shouldn't matter...

 

[Smilla]

Because of their priviledge or wealth

Because of their attitude.

 

[Smilla]

I didn't read it that way perhaps I missed something telling

Perhaps you miss a lot of things.

 

[Smilla]

Jealousy makes you human

Trolling also makes you human.

But it doesn't make it "good".

 

[Smilla]

I'm in recovery so I agree
I was suicidal for about 6 months last fall

Congrats on your recovery. Woo hoo!

 

[ReadyasEver]

Jane, I'm probably way better off than you concerning materialistic things and that's the last I'll say of it, none of that matters at all here. Everybody reached this point on their own journey. Being desperate, depressed, anxious, terminally ill or whatever shows no favorites in the socio-economic scale. People are here to share stories, provide advice, understand methods, and even provide a little laughter along the way. Many people will CTB here and many will not, money and fame matter not. The best advice I can give you is to be open and honest as you can, and check the other stuff at the door.

 

[AndyCurious]

Don't compare yourself to others, or your pain to others' pain. We each have a breaking point that is uniquely our own..<3