Hey everybody. I am new here and want to share some things that have been happening as of late. Here are some recent "journals" and their dates that I think explain my desire to hang a grocery bag over my head and hope for the best well enough.
Written on 6/14/18
When I was younger I would see her husband threatening and yelling at my mom frequently. He would force her to do everything for him, like manage all his bills and shopping especially. If she did it wrong or forgot, he would have a tantrum similar to a toddler - but he's very tall and big, so it was so much more threatening and frightening. He would sling things off the shelves and break things. He showed no respect to her belongings. He would get close in her face and scream at her until she cried. He would guilt trip her for not being good enough, among other things. Sometimes he threatened to kill her, me, our pets, or the whole family and house combined. Whenever she would get upset, she would come to me and I'd have to comfort her. It was overwhelming and as a kid I didn't really understand. I felt responsible for protecting her, but that only made him hate me too because I was "on her side". He thought she "turned me against him". Like always, he can never take responsibility for his actions or admit he's wrong.
Lately, he's plainly said he did "wrong", but it's under layers of "but I had to...", "I couldn't help myself...", etc. He's turned my younger brother (8) against the rest of us: my mom, her new boyfriend, me (16), and my other two younger (6) siblings (2), the youngest being my mom and her boyfriend's child. My younger brother showing signs of violent behavior and is very agressive, agreeing with and being obsessed with winning his attention. I fear for our safety around him and now my younger brother. He's also been very controlling with finances because my mom and her boyfriend are struggling to care for us kids and he mostly owns the house we share with him. He also has the van we use in his name. He's sold our things without asking, constantly spoils my younger brother only, making my younger sister jealous and think of him as the "cooler" parent. Being young, they don't understand there's more to parenting than irresponsibly loading up with toys and candy. Even my younger brother isn't safe from his violent, agressive behavior, but he's still so attached to him. My younger sister is also blamed for a lot he does.
Written 6/15/18
When I was 12, I had moved into my mom's (then) friend's (now boyfriend) dad's house. We're all poor AF so living as an older adult in your family isn't so weird to me alone. Anyway, I met some new friends online and one of them was A. As far as I know, he was also 12, or a really elaborate pedophile. I saw lots of photos, Skyped, he even has a FB with his name and everything and other middle school friends. Fuckboi's start early this generation? I didn't even start cussing, even online, until I got it from him.
I wanted to be liked by him. I didn't really understand adult things yet and was already overwhelmed by moving and dealing with all that.
I was pretty vunerable, I guess. I still feel responsible.
He was perverted. He made sexual jokes and comments. I got used to them. He showed me porn. He showed me lots of porn. I still am addicted to porn. I find it hard to stop despite how sad it makes me feel that I wasn't even interested until he teaching me it's okay and I *should* like it. Then the poor coping skills of it crept in.
He would make me feel guilty.
He thought I wasn't a good friend if I didn't send pornography of myself, and bondage photos even (tying myself with clothes I had, stealing duct tape and belts). I almost got interrupted during this and I was so overwhelmed - if I don't, I'll lose my friend, if I do, I'll lose my mom's respect. I tried to strangle myself with the belt. I don't know how many photos I took when I was 12.
I learned:
•When boys grow up, they become men, and earlier than you'd expect
•Men need sexual contact with girls or women, their preference...
•...or else they will get hurt by the men to get it
•Anything is okay to be sexualized...
•...if it makes men happy
•Violence is to be expected in relationships
And all while trying to be there for my mom who ran away to escape a domestic violence situation.
I don't know what to trust. I don't know what's true or real feelings. If I say I love you, if I say I want sex, I don't know if I do. The urge is there but underneath, I just don't want to be left. I'm trying to say stay. I'm older now. I think I'm interested, and people are becoming beautiful or attractive. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know what I actually consented to, or how much I'm to blame to for.
Written on 6/25/18
I am 16 years old. I have lived with my mother and her abusive husband my whole life. When I was 9, I started getting suicidal feelings because of his behavior and how trapped I felt. For years my mom put herself on waiting lists for government housing, contacted help, and even called the police but no one would help her. One day she was approved to move into government housing, but the mail acceptance letter was destroyed. There is no one to help us all. We are too much of a burden on the system. One day when she called the police, he had been throwing things at us and breaking things. It started when he screamed angrily and just chased us both into the road, screeching, not even words. I would kill someone if it meant I would never hear that scream again. I told the police, they investigated. He broke his property- who cares? He threw things, but they didn't see bruises- who cares? I yelled back I am going to kill myself or him. They walked out. She ran away one day when I was around 12 and met her boyfriend she moved in with (lived with his dad, poor). He was jealous. He took her kids away. I'm stuck with him until she and her boyfriend come here. Now he's manipulating him too. He knows we are poor. He controls money, have her boyfriend buy him drugs, groceries, pay his bills, do errands, if not, he could easily kill her. He is the king and we are his servants. I cannot escape. Family abandoned my mom when she wanted a divorce. We have no where to run. A felony charge for drug use from her boyfriend keeps us out of all government support. My mom has these outbursts of crying and screaming, saying things are going on that I don't understand. What could be worse than what I see? Is he actively planning our murders as he threats?
Written 6/27/18
J28M has been my boyfriend for a while, not sure how long exactly. My memory sucks. He's always busy. He never wants to talk. He isn't interested in talking about the future when we meet, watching movies on Rabbit, calling me, anything. He doesn't respond to my questions. He only really tells me that he doesn't want me to kill myself yet, but if I still do when I'm 18, he can take me home and let me use his gun, and that he wants to win me over everybody else. I want to make him happy. He says if I live he can help me. I need to move out as soon as I can. He is my only hope. He is willing to give me a home and help me learn how to function, hopefully, I suck. I need him to support me. More recently I met B18M. He's there for me too much. He is constantly showing me affection and comforting me through anything that happens. He calms me down when I'm having panic attacks. We relate a lot to each other's suicidal feelings and can enjoy similar movies together, that kind of stuff. I feel like we can trust each other. I told J28M that I want to be with B18M, but he said that they'd have to share me "temporarily" until he won me. So I mostly ignored J28M (very easy, he doesn't want to spend time with me anyway) and really bonded with B18M. Because I am a shit person, even mine and B18M's relationship is difficult. I constantly refuse any compliments from him because I don't deserve him or get into arguments because he will be sad when I eventually commit suicide. J28M is okay with my suicide so I appreciate that. He also is a lot older (12 years older than me) and has a house. I need that stability. So fuck love, because I can't stand my family and need an escape? Most likely. Recently I have been slowly breaking up with B18M, expressing my desire to let J28M win to J28M. He really couldn't care less. I don't know why he wants to win me so badly, whatever that means. I am tired of feeling trapped without any love or kindness. ["You see, my past express"] the way my family is, coupled with agoraphobia and babysitting that keeps me out of school. I am alone. I have no other family. I have no friends. I never speak to anyone outside my family, or whoever calls me on Discord at 3am when I whisper and pray my mom is asleep. I'm so isolated and lonely. I'm really pathetic. So I value these two men. They are really all I have and maybe ever will. I can't telling either of them no, or disappointing either of them, especially J28M. He's older and I feel obligated to make him proud of me. I want him to like me. I'm so overwhelmed. They both have access to nude photos of me, so if any of them are mad, that's it. That's over for me. I will have to commit suicide. I have to anyway, but I'll be more willing to try a risky method (no access to a quick and simple gun until J28M takes me home, maybe I can overdose on my antidepressants?). I'm at a loss.
Written 6/28/18
11Am/noon: wake up by baby bro getting me up, rush to go brush my teeth and stuff and wrangle him, soon after lil sis comes out too, turn on TV n make waffles or something, watch while mom in bed
5pm: her bf get home from work, gets excited thinking he'll take the kids, doesn't , goes to bedroom with mom
11pm/midnight: take a shower, try not to cut off chunks of myself with scissors, scratch myself with my own nails enough that I'm bleeding a ton anyway, stay up until 3/4am watching porn, ytps, suicide hotlines, whatever shit
Written on 6/14/18
When I was younger I would see her husband threatening and yelling at my mom frequently. He would force her to do everything for him, like manage all his bills and shopping especially. If she did it wrong or forgot, he would have a tantrum similar to a toddler - but he's very tall and big, so it was so much more threatening and frightening. He would sling things off the shelves and break things. He showed no respect to her belongings. He would get close in her face and scream at her until she cried. He would guilt trip her for not being good enough, among other things. Sometimes he threatened to kill her, me, our pets, or the whole family and house combined. Whenever she would get upset, she would come to me and I'd have to comfort her. It was overwhelming and as a kid I didn't really understand. I felt responsible for protecting her, but that only made him hate me too because I was "on her side". He thought she "turned me against him". Like always, he can never take responsibility for his actions or admit he's wrong.
Lately, he's plainly said he did "wrong", but it's under layers of "but I had to...", "I couldn't help myself...", etc. He's turned my younger brother (8) against the rest of us: my mom, her new boyfriend, me (16), and my other two younger (6) siblings (2), the youngest being my mom and her boyfriend's child. My younger brother showing signs of violent behavior and is very agressive, agreeing with and being obsessed with winning his attention. I fear for our safety around him and now my younger brother. He's also been very controlling with finances because my mom and her boyfriend are struggling to care for us kids and he mostly owns the house we share with him. He also has the van we use in his name. He's sold our things without asking, constantly spoils my younger brother only, making my younger sister jealous and think of him as the "cooler" parent. Being young, they don't understand there's more to parenting than irresponsibly loading up with toys and candy. Even my younger brother isn't safe from his violent, agressive behavior, but he's still so attached to him. My younger sister is also blamed for a lot he does.
Written 6/15/18
When I was 12, I had moved into my mom's (then) friend's (now boyfriend) dad's house. We're all poor AF so living as an older adult in your family isn't so weird to me alone. Anyway, I met some new friends online and one of them was A. As far as I know, he was also 12, or a really elaborate pedophile. I saw lots of photos, Skyped, he even has a FB with his name and everything and other middle school friends. Fuckboi's start early this generation? I didn't even start cussing, even online, until I got it from him.
I wanted to be liked by him. I didn't really understand adult things yet and was already overwhelmed by moving and dealing with all that.
I was pretty vunerable, I guess. I still feel responsible.
He was perverted. He made sexual jokes and comments. I got used to them. He showed me porn. He showed me lots of porn. I still am addicted to porn. I find it hard to stop despite how sad it makes me feel that I wasn't even interested until he teaching me it's okay and I *should* like it. Then the poor coping skills of it crept in.
He would make me feel guilty.
He thought I wasn't a good friend if I didn't send pornography of myself, and bondage photos even (tying myself with clothes I had, stealing duct tape and belts). I almost got interrupted during this and I was so overwhelmed - if I don't, I'll lose my friend, if I do, I'll lose my mom's respect. I tried to strangle myself with the belt. I don't know how many photos I took when I was 12.
I learned:
•When boys grow up, they become men, and earlier than you'd expect
•Men need sexual contact with girls or women, their preference...
•...or else they will get hurt by the men to get it
•Anything is okay to be sexualized...
•...if it makes men happy
•Violence is to be expected in relationships
And all while trying to be there for my mom who ran away to escape a domestic violence situation.
I don't know what to trust. I don't know what's true or real feelings. If I say I love you, if I say I want sex, I don't know if I do. The urge is there but underneath, I just don't want to be left. I'm trying to say stay. I'm older now. I think I'm interested, and people are becoming beautiful or attractive. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know what I actually consented to, or how much I'm to blame to for.
Written on 6/25/18
I am 16 years old. I have lived with my mother and her abusive husband my whole life. When I was 9, I started getting suicidal feelings because of his behavior and how trapped I felt. For years my mom put herself on waiting lists for government housing, contacted help, and even called the police but no one would help her. One day she was approved to move into government housing, but the mail acceptance letter was destroyed. There is no one to help us all. We are too much of a burden on the system. One day when she called the police, he had been throwing things at us and breaking things. It started when he screamed angrily and just chased us both into the road, screeching, not even words. I would kill someone if it meant I would never hear that scream again. I told the police, they investigated. He broke his property- who cares? He threw things, but they didn't see bruises- who cares? I yelled back I am going to kill myself or him. They walked out. She ran away one day when I was around 12 and met her boyfriend she moved in with (lived with his dad, poor). He was jealous. He took her kids away. I'm stuck with him until she and her boyfriend come here. Now he's manipulating him too. He knows we are poor. He controls money, have her boyfriend buy him drugs, groceries, pay his bills, do errands, if not, he could easily kill her. He is the king and we are his servants. I cannot escape. Family abandoned my mom when she wanted a divorce. We have no where to run. A felony charge for drug use from her boyfriend keeps us out of all government support. My mom has these outbursts of crying and screaming, saying things are going on that I don't understand. What could be worse than what I see? Is he actively planning our murders as he threats?
Written 6/27/18
J28M has been my boyfriend for a while, not sure how long exactly. My memory sucks. He's always busy. He never wants to talk. He isn't interested in talking about the future when we meet, watching movies on Rabbit, calling me, anything. He doesn't respond to my questions. He only really tells me that he doesn't want me to kill myself yet, but if I still do when I'm 18, he can take me home and let me use his gun, and that he wants to win me over everybody else. I want to make him happy. He says if I live he can help me. I need to move out as soon as I can. He is my only hope. He is willing to give me a home and help me learn how to function, hopefully, I suck. I need him to support me. More recently I met B18M. He's there for me too much. He is constantly showing me affection and comforting me through anything that happens. He calms me down when I'm having panic attacks. We relate a lot to each other's suicidal feelings and can enjoy similar movies together, that kind of stuff. I feel like we can trust each other. I told J28M that I want to be with B18M, but he said that they'd have to share me "temporarily" until he won me. So I mostly ignored J28M (very easy, he doesn't want to spend time with me anyway) and really bonded with B18M. Because I am a shit person, even mine and B18M's relationship is difficult. I constantly refuse any compliments from him because I don't deserve him or get into arguments because he will be sad when I eventually commit suicide. J28M is okay with my suicide so I appreciate that. He also is a lot older (12 years older than me) and has a house. I need that stability. So fuck love, because I can't stand my family and need an escape? Most likely. Recently I have been slowly breaking up with B18M, expressing my desire to let J28M win to J28M. He really couldn't care less. I don't know why he wants to win me so badly, whatever that means. I am tired of feeling trapped without any love or kindness. ["You see, my past express"] the way my family is, coupled with agoraphobia and babysitting that keeps me out of school. I am alone. I have no other family. I have no friends. I never speak to anyone outside my family, or whoever calls me on Discord at 3am when I whisper and pray my mom is asleep. I'm so isolated and lonely. I'm really pathetic. So I value these two men. They are really all I have and maybe ever will. I can't telling either of them no, or disappointing either of them, especially J28M. He's older and I feel obligated to make him proud of me. I want him to like me. I'm so overwhelmed. They both have access to nude photos of me, so if any of them are mad, that's it. That's over for me. I will have to commit suicide. I have to anyway, but I'll be more willing to try a risky method (no access to a quick and simple gun until J28M takes me home, maybe I can overdose on my antidepressants?). I'm at a loss.
Written 6/28/18
11Am/noon: wake up by baby bro getting me up, rush to go brush my teeth and stuff and wrangle him, soon after lil sis comes out too, turn on TV n make waffles or something, watch while mom in bed
5pm: her bf get home from work, gets excited thinking he'll take the kids, doesn't , goes to bedroom with mom
11pm/midnight: take a shower, try not to cut off chunks of myself with scissors, scratch myself with my own nails enough that I'm bleeding a ton anyway, stay up until 3/4am watching porn, ytps, suicide hotlines, whatever shit
