Venting I'm losing my mind with guilt and shame

[omegas82128]

I had decided to ctb towards the end of this month, a while back. And I still want to.

But it's becoming harder and harder to survive till that date.

I have ordered SN, which will arrive in about 2 days. But if I wanted I could go for partial hanging rn, if I wanted to. And I do.

The guilt and shames comes from the fact that I have a friend who got engaged a while ago. I wasn't able to attend the ceremony because of severe depression. Now he's getting married on the 26th and I've promised him to attend that.

I don't know if I can not kill myself before then. I don't want to ruin his marriage either. I'd feel less guilty killing myself after the fact than before.

Apart from this there's so much other stuff. And I'm completely shutting down. I feel so desperate and don't know what to do.

I have to ctb, that's inevitable. But I wish there was a way to lessen the pain I'll leave everyone around me with.

I just don't know what to do. I'm becoming so desperate and that makes me afraid. I don't want to reach a point where I'm so desperate to feel better than what I do now, that I make things more painful for others than they need to be

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful and tiring being in that situation but anyway I hope that you eventually find peace from your suffering.