Venting Im losing hope.

[Katatonia]

Ill start with a small introduction. I graduated earlier this year and got a job at a grocery store. However im feeling lost. I come from a rather poor family, i haven't lived in an actual house for a couple years now. And i have some pretty bad mental health issues which make it hard to function. Everyday feels like im just watching my own life like a movie, rather than living it.

I guess ive just realized that im living for nothing. Everything seems so lifeless, and i dont even feel real. Im starting to feel like nothing will get better. I wanted to go to college for my dream job, but i know it will put me in debt and i dont have the financial support to do that. I only work twice a week, thats barely 400 bucks a month, that will never sustain me.

I have no friends. I have a couple online friends, however im kind of just side entertainment for them, as silly as it sounds. When i try to make other online friends they (my only friends) get in my business and i get embarrassed and give up. I dont have enough social interaction to make irl friends, and im so ugly that i think most people treat me subhuman. So i don't think ill ever have a partner or actual best friend.

Ive tried getting help, but i end up getting too embarrassed to actually tell my therapist anything, even though ive been to a couple different ones. I get scared they'll judge me i guess. Since im so ugly i feel like im not allowed to have feelings and that the therapist might laugh at me. I know it sounds stupid but i cant help it. Im also worried my family will think of me as some freak. Most of my mental illnesses are internal, if that makes sense. I can hide them really well, or they're just very ignored ones. So no one really takes my suffering seriously.

As it is, my life is kind of just...there. Im just here. I dont have an impact on anyones life, i likely never will, and i dont have the money to ever make a change or live the life i want. I want to die cause i dont think things will ever get better, but im terrified of dying. It freaks me out pretty bad and i used to have constant breakdowns when i thought of it. Recently ive felt less scared of it though. Maybe i should just do it before i have time to be scared.

If anyone has advice for making friends or something that would be nice. I live in a very rural area where gay people are frowned upon though. So finding groups is hard. Even just online friends would be fine. Thank you for listening, even if you don't reply i appreciate it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to how you feel. Insecure in our appearance so, we just feel like we're not allowed/ not worthy to feel things. It's hard to describe really. I suppose it's an accute embarassment for taking up space and, having needs. It's such a horrible feeling.

I worked in retail for a long time. It's pretty soul destroying if you don't want to be there.

Regarding making friends, are there any activities you enjoy? I always thought a walking club would be a good idea. Get out and enjoy nature while chatting to people.

 

[batmanreal]

we're really so similar, in so many aspects. i wish i could provide tips or advice, but i'm stuck in the same spot. if i had anything helpful to say, then i likely wouldn't feel as horrible as i do now, lol.
i guess all i can say is that everyone on this forum is here for you and take you seriously, me included. it's horrible to hear how badly you see yourself. of course, i don't know what you look like, but you don't deserve to feel so trapped because of your appearance. everything you experience and feel is valid, no matter what. if anyone sees you in a negative light because of your struggles or your appearance, then they fucking suck. people are just so terrible.

i wish you the best, you seem like a genuinely kind person and i hope you find some peace soon.

 

[Katatonia]

I can relate to how you feel. Insecure in our appearance so, we just feel like we're not allowed/ not worthy to feel things. It's hard to describe really. I suppose it's an accute embarassment for taking up space and, having needs. It's such a horrible feeling.

I worked in retail for a long time. It's pretty soul destroying if you don't want to be there.

Regarding making friends, are there any activities you enjoy? I always thought a walking club would be a good idea. Get out and enjoy nature while chatting to people.

Yes, that exactly. Ive noticed that a lot of people use me as a literal and metaphorical punching bag. And a lot of my past friends always spoke about themselves but never asked about my life. Or admitted they only hung out when they were bored. I always assumed it was because i was ugly and therefore not a 'person.'

Thankfully i work in a small grocery store in my town, so its not super busy. And the people seem to have common sense. Im like the lowest worker though, so i do a lot of the 'errands'. And it can be very tiring.

Im sure there are a lot of walking clubs here, hiking is a big thing. I have low stamina but i can usually keep up if i get too scared of looking tired in front of people. Now im wondering if they have art clubs here. That would be a good thing to look into. Thank you.

we're really so similar, in so many aspects. i wish i could provide tips or advice, but i'm stuck in the same spot. if i had anything helpful to say, then i likely wouldn't feel as horrible as i do now, lol.
i guess all i can say is that everyone on this forum is here for you and take you seriously, me included. it's horrible to hear how badly you see yourself. of course, i don't know what you look like, but you don't deserve to feel so trapped because of your appearance. everything you experience and feel is valid, no matter what. if anyone sees you in a negative light because of your struggles or your appearance, then they fucking suck. people are just so terrible.

i wish you the best, you seem like a genuinely kind person and i hope you find some peace soon.

I suppose we are in the same boat huh. Making friends is so much harder than people seem to say it is. If you ever want to chat my dms are open, we seem to have a couple things in common.

This is the first place ive actually had people understand what im going through. Usually when you try to bring up struggles people irl or even on the internet get very touchy around the topic of suicide and just 'jump' at your rather than listen. And a lot of people online can be very harsh. Its so nice to finally have somewhere to actually speak about my struggles. In fact i think this is the first place where i haven't had a panic attack over replying to someone. Thank you, i really do appreciate this. : )

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

It really sucks that social standards are as they are.
From a (non-professional) artist's perspective, I have seen and tried drawing so many faces.
There was no such thing such as ugliness in the process of putting down something on paper, only characteristics.
The old and the young, the sober and the addicted, the obese and the underweight, the middle-class and the homeless.

You seem like a decent person in a cruel world, I'm so sorry things are this way for you.
Getting into seeing life with various perspectives is possible, but much harder for many. I have very humanitarian beliefs but many in the world don't.
I have given a lot of kindness in my life, and eventually crossed paths with some that were also genuine and sincere. That type of experience, no matter how rare, changes a lot, and I'm grateful to have met the souls who chose to be kind, despite it all.
It all takes a lot of time is one important thing to point out.. yet finding that type of patience can be insanely difficult.
I neither have anything very helpful to say.
I'd even tell you to keep going, if only a little longer.
My personal opinion always was a little against suicides that half rely on impulse and such. (not the best word for what I'm trying to say, I apologise)
I'd say, take more time to think things through a little, and then see properly.
However it is your life and only, but only your own. Nobody but yourself should have a say on the choice you ultimately pick no matter what.
I wish I had more to help you with other than saying that recourses could exist, bla bla, hope can go up and down, bla bla bla, art. I think art could help to a point. Or simply finding a genuinely healthy community to stick around with wherever that is possible.
But also your pain is very real, and silly is a cruel word to describe it. You in the end are nothing more nor less than a human being.
The best I can give you perhaps is to look into punk.
The music and the style are fun and to me at least, meaningful to partake in both at first and later on. But getting into that type of beliefs, getting into that type of community?
I cannot say what it would do for you, and no matter where you look there will always be "those people".
But just in case you need something more to do in your free time, this is something that helped me personally.
I'm sending a lot of love your way and many hugs.
Don't feel pressured to respond to this.. just see if you can take care just for a small while longer, if you want. Wish you the best no matter what though, in the end.

 

[Katatonia]

It really sucks that social standards are as they are.
From a (non-professional) artist's perspective, I have seen and tried drawing so many faces.
There was no such thing such as ugliness in the process of putting down something on paper, only characteristics.
The old and the young, the sober and the addicted, the obese and the underweight, the middle-class and the homeless.

You seem like a decent person in a cruel world, I'm so sorry things are this way for you.
Getting into seeing life with various perspectives is possible, but much harder for many. I have very humanitarian beliefs but many in the world don't.
I have given a lot of kindness in my life, and eventually crossed paths with some that were also genuine and sincere. That type of experience, no matter how rare, changes a lot, and I'm grateful to have met the souls who chose to be kind, despite it all.
It all takes a lot of time is one important thing to point out.. yet finding that type of patience can be insanely difficult.
I neither have anything very helpful to say.
I'd even tell you to keep going, if only a little longer.
My personal opinion always was a little against suicides that half rely on impulse and such. (not the best word for what I'm trying to say, I apologise)
I'd say, take more time to think things through a little, and then see properly.
However it is your life and only, but only your own. Nobody but yourself should have a say on the choice you ultimately pick no matter what.
I wish I had more to help you with other than saying that recourses could exist, bla bla, hope can go up and down, bla bla bla, art. I think art could help to a point. Or simply finding a genuinely healthy community to stick around with wherever that is possible.
But also your pain is very real, and silly is a cruel word to describe it. You in the end are nothing more nor less than a human being.
The best I can give you perhaps is to look into punk.
The music and the style are fun and to me at least, meaningful to partake in both at first and later on. But getting into that type of beliefs, getting into that type of community?
I cannot say what it would do for you, and no matter where you look there will always be "those people".
But just in case you need something more to do in your free time, this is something that helped me personally.
I'm sending a lot of love your way and many hugs.
Don't feel pressured to respond to this.. just see if you can take care just for a small while longer, if you want. Wish you the best no matter what though, in the end.

I really appreciate the words. Im glad to hear that there are some wonderful souls out there like you. Unfortunately for me finding people like that around me is such a hard thing to do, its a bit isolating.

Im into things like dsbm and black metal, theres some cross overs in the punk community. Everyone seems to be great and understand these kinds of problems. And its nice to hear people who have similar experiences. But it only takes you so far. I wish i could just be happy listening to music forever but life isnt that kind. Ill just try to hold on, i do plenty of thinking and i know that if i do ctb it will hopefully be well thought out (or done in a unstable mindset but im hoping that wont be the way i go). You seem wonderful, and everyone who crosses your path is blessed. Thank you.