Katatonia
New Member
- Oct 2, 2025
- 3
Ill start with a small introduction. I graduated earlier this year and got a job at a grocery store. However im feeling lost. I come from a rather poor family, i haven't lived in an actual house for a couple years now. And i have some pretty bad mental health issues which make it hard to function. Everyday feels like im just watching my own life like a movie, rather than living it.
I guess ive just realized that im living for nothing. Everything seems so lifeless, and i dont even feel real. Im starting to feel like nothing will get better. I wanted to go to college for my dream job, but i know it will put me in debt and i dont have the financial support to do that. I only work twice a week, thats barely 400 bucks a month, that will never sustain me.
I have no friends. I have a couple online friends, however im kind of just side entertainment for them, as silly as it sounds. When i try to make other online friends they (my only friends) get in my business and i get embarrassed and give up. I dont have enough social interaction to make irl friends, and im so ugly that i think most people treat me subhuman. So i don't think ill ever have a partner or actual best friend.
Ive tried getting help, but i end up getting too embarrassed to actually tell my therapist anything, even though ive been to a couple different ones. I get scared they'll judge me i guess. Since im so ugly i feel like im not allowed to have feelings and that the therapist might laugh at me. I know it sounds stupid but i cant help it. Im also worried my family will think of me as some freak. Most of my mental illnesses are internal, if that makes sense. I can hide them really well, or they're just very ignored ones. So no one really takes my suffering seriously.
As it is, my life is kind of just...there. Im just here. I dont have an impact on anyones life, i likely never will, and i dont have the money to ever make a change or live the life i want. I want to die cause i dont think things will ever get better, but im terrified of dying. It freaks me out pretty bad and i used to have constant breakdowns when i thought of it. Recently ive felt less scared of it though. Maybe i should just do it before i have time to be scared.
If anyone has advice for making friends or something that would be nice. I live in a very rural area where gay people are frowned upon though. So finding groups is hard. Even just online friends would be fine. Thank you for listening, even if you don't reply i appreciate it.
I guess ive just realized that im living for nothing. Everything seems so lifeless, and i dont even feel real. Im starting to feel like nothing will get better. I wanted to go to college for my dream job, but i know it will put me in debt and i dont have the financial support to do that. I only work twice a week, thats barely 400 bucks a month, that will never sustain me.
I have no friends. I have a couple online friends, however im kind of just side entertainment for them, as silly as it sounds. When i try to make other online friends they (my only friends) get in my business and i get embarrassed and give up. I dont have enough social interaction to make irl friends, and im so ugly that i think most people treat me subhuman. So i don't think ill ever have a partner or actual best friend.
Ive tried getting help, but i end up getting too embarrassed to actually tell my therapist anything, even though ive been to a couple different ones. I get scared they'll judge me i guess. Since im so ugly i feel like im not allowed to have feelings and that the therapist might laugh at me. I know it sounds stupid but i cant help it. Im also worried my family will think of me as some freak. Most of my mental illnesses are internal, if that makes sense. I can hide them really well, or they're just very ignored ones. So no one really takes my suffering seriously.
As it is, my life is kind of just...there. Im just here. I dont have an impact on anyones life, i likely never will, and i dont have the money to ever make a change or live the life i want. I want to die cause i dont think things will ever get better, but im terrified of dying. It freaks me out pretty bad and i used to have constant breakdowns when i thought of it. Recently ive felt less scared of it though. Maybe i should just do it before i have time to be scared.
If anyone has advice for making friends or something that would be nice. I live in a very rural area where gay people are frowned upon though. So finding groups is hard. Even just online friends would be fine. Thank you for listening, even if you don't reply i appreciate it.
