Help I'm looking to CTB but I'm not sure how exactly to do it.

[safetynet]

So, I live with my parents (19 years old; twenty in like half a year) and have decided fully on killing myself. Life has just gotten so barbaric that at this point I feel me ending my life is the only option which will not lead into further problems. All other options have been exhausted and staying alive in a horrible life and horrible body (oh yeah I'm also trans...which makes it extra fun) just seems rather stupid when I can instead just end it all and be free. It legit feels as though I'm letting go of so much stuff and actually starting my life despite the irony that I'll be dead, haha.

I've looked into many things. Exit bag, hanging, etc. I've planned suicide since about the age of 8 but I always pussied out of it; although now I'm starting to have the strength (or...apathy, I guess) to buy the actual supplies whereas before I'd pussy out before even trying. I want to end my life in some secluded forest somewhere, and I plan on tossing my phone in some sort of faraday cage to prevent law enforcement from tracking me via cellphone tower pings. I don't want my body to be found. I'm also debating whether or not to tell my friends if I'm ending my life or not; I'm leaning toward having a final conversation with them but it feels like either way they'll be hurt by it which will suck. My parents (specifically my mom) will be hurt aswell but there's nothing I can do about that unfortunately. It's hard but as a trans person I've learned that life just gives people hellish lives for no reason other than it's own satisfaction, which I guess sounds harsh, but if the world wasn't that harsh I'd still be alive.

I'm also just kinda scared to do it. For...natural reasons. SI is a bitch. So there's that. No clue how I'll handle that shit. I don't even have any solutions. Plus there's always the fact that I'll be reincarnated into a life somehow worse than this (since the golden rule of life is that, no matter how shitty the life, there is always a worse one). I'm a tad bit scared of hell too but honestly if I end up in hell I won't even feel saddened because I know God has hated me from the start.

I also don't want to be in my car since I feel that could be tracked and I'd be "rescued" before I truly die.

I just don't know. Is there any help y'all can offer me? I feel like this is the time where I actually go through with it and not only is it such a complicated thing but it's also such a weird thing because I've never felt this level of certainty and obligation before in my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, it has to be a personal decision deciding what method is best for the individual, there are just no easy answers to this, as if there was I would certainly already be gone at this point. Suicide sadly really is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated in this world, but of course it's understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering that existing brings. Continuing to exist here certainly is torture so I hope that you find what you are searching for.

There is no point to fearing death as we are all just destined to die anyway and I believe reincarnation to just be a fictional concept. The only hell that exists is the one that we already exist in. And I don't really recommend telling others in advance about planning to die as they could potentially interfere and just prolong the suffering even more.

 

[Hitakiri]

Fruit for thought - no matter where one dies, the body is found eventually. It's a matter of the shape the body is in. Would you rather be found as a decomposed, rotting mess, or found in a way that preserves who you were, for the sake of loved ones, if not your own.

I don't advise on the disappearing approach. Even leaving a letter behind, to offer closure, will help those left behind move forward, without the constant question of what happened to you, and the thought you may still be out there somewhere.

The suicide rate for trans people is a shame. People transition looking to be their authentic self, and the world shuns them. What is hell for the rest of us, becomes doubly so with such stigmas levied against you. It's also a tragedy to lose people when they're still young. If only this world were a little kinder.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.

 

[safetynet]

I guess that after all, it has to be a personal decision deciding what method is best for the individual, there are just no easy answers to this, as if there was I would certainly already be gone at this point. Suicide sadly really is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated in this world, but of course it's understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering that existing brings. Continuing to exist here certainly is torture so I hope that you find what you are searching for.

There is no point to fearing death as we are all just destined to die anyway and I believe reincarnation to just be a fictional concept. The only hell that exists is the one that we already exist in. And I don't really recommend telling others in advance about planning to die as they could potentially interfere and just prolong the suffering even more.

yeah that's fair. i don't really care about the afterlife personally (it can exist but at the same time who cares if i'll just burn in hell anyway?). appreciate your honest comment though. even though there aren't any specialized suicide methods for me though i'd atleast like something, rather than just continuing my suffering here without a proper protocol to escape. i guess i'll research more; ideally the plan is an exit bag but hanging seems like the more layman's option right now if it's painless enough.

Fruit for thought - no matter where one dies, the body is found eventually. It's a matter of the shape the body is in. Would you rather be found as a decomposed, rotting mess, or found in a way that preserves who you were, for the sake of loved ones, if not your own.

I don't advise on the disappearing approach. Even leaving a letter behind, to offer closure, will help those left behind move forward, without the constant question of what happened to you, and the thought you may still be out there somewhere.

The suicide rate for trans people is a shame. People transition looking to be their authentic self, and the world shuns them. What is hell for the rest of us, becomes doubly so with such stigmas levied against you. It's also a tragedy to lose people when they're still young. If only this world were a little kinder.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.

i'd rather not be found at all, personally. i don't want people to see my mutilated body or my still alive body. i'd just like to be peacefully gone. i think my friends would understand that. i'd tell them obviously, and thanks to your comment I think I decided on that, but I don't want anyone to see the aftermath personally.

the suicide rate really is a shame, but what can you do? people are just like that. i wouldn't consider myself "young" per se, infact i'm rather old, but yeah life as a trans person has convinced me of things that very few other people will ever experience. i wish to become my actual self but unfortunately it's just not possible, and at this point even if it were possible i think it'd be best to take the most optimal route and abandon the dumpster fire i find myself in.

 

[Hitakiri]

the suicide rate really is a shame, but what can you do? people are just like that. i wouldn't consider myself "young" per se, infact i'm rather old, but yeah life as a trans person has convinced me of things that very few other people will ever experience. i wish to become my actual self but unfortunately it's just not possible, and at this point even if it were possible i think it'd be best to take the most optimal route and abandon the dumpster fire i find myself in

Fair. When you're 19, you feel old. When you're 20, you feel like all 19 year olds are children. Then when you're 21, you feel all 20 year olds are children. I'd consider you young, but I can see why you wouldn't feel very young. Especially if you've experienced a lot in such a short period of time.